As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
“For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother,” Ann writes. “I could picture the children more clearly than I could picture any partner.” Now 49 and divorced, Ann still wonders if there is a way for her to become a mother. Here’s what she has to say.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Ann: I am childfree because my ex-husband and I had three traumatic pregnancy losses—a full-term stillbirth, a termination due to chromosomal abnormalities, and a miscarriage. We were diagnosed with infertility and found ourselves in a vulnerable enough state in our marriage that it didn’t seem right to adopt.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Ann: I am amicably divorced. I am mostly at peace with my childless state, though I still have times when I think of adopting.
LWB: What was the turning point for you?
Ann: The turning point for me—and it took a long, tangled while—was realizing that my marriage and my desire to be a parent were separate. I needed to address the state of my (unhappy) marriage before I could address the idea of becoming a parent. I have never wanted to go into parenthood as a single parent, and this still mostly holds true now that I’m divorced.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Ann: The hardest part about not having children is that I feel as if my natural state is to be a mother, and I’m not (except to my dog and very occasionally to my nieces, nephews, and friends’ kids). This is confusing and makes me feel as if I’m denying who I really am. Then I get all worked up about why I don’t have children. My decision to not be a parent has more logical reasoning behind it than maybe it should.
LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?
Ann: I used to view people who were childless as kind of limited and selfish. I want the world to understand that being childfree for many of us is not by choice. Even though we live in a world where we have a lot of choices, there are many very legitimate reasons why we remain childless. This does not mean we do not care about children as much as the next person. This does not mean we don’t or can’t understand love. I hate it when people say they didn’t understand what love was until they had children, as if those of us who don’t have children don’t know what love is. I hate hearing about groups such as Moms For or Against…whatever the cause is. Why can’t they be People For or Against…. I hate it when parenting queries are addressed only to parents, as if all the time I have spent around kids doesn’t count. I also hate the doubting part of me that worries that I am limited and selfish by not doing all I can to have kids.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Ann: Mostly I answer “No.” Sometimes, depending on the context and the company, I answer “None living.”
LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you? (or What advice would you like to give to your younger self?)
Ann: The best advice I’d offer someone like me now is not to be too hard on yourself and to find ways to make yourself happy. It is hard to live a different life than you envisioned yourself living. Give yourself time to sort it out. There are many ways to positively influence kids without being their parent. The world needs us all—parents and non-parents.
The advice I would give my younger self is different. I would encourage my younger self to get started on the parenthood quest sooner. My older sister had a life plan: She wanted her first child by 30. I had no such plan. Perhaps if I had, my life would be different now.
Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Hello, I am 39 and having a hard time accepting my childless life, I also struggle with the selfish and feelin limited thing..I hope it will get better. I just can’t see what to do instead of having a family, you have got so much time and don’t know what to do with it.
Mikaela, I know what you mean about having a lot of time to fill and wondering what to do with it. Whether it’s filling it with your own family, or caring for children in some other way, or other work, I hope you can figure it out so that you feel happy. While I do sometimes worry that I’m selfish and limited, I know that I have my reasons for remaining childless that are mine – right or wrong. And as Amanda says below, I try to be around children in other ways. It’s not the same, but in many ways my life is still very fulfilling. But I’m a decade older than you, and age, at least for me, is a factor in all this too.. I wish you all the best in figuring it out.
It was interesting reading the end of your post because I too had a plan to have children by 30. Then my husband left me right before I turned 30. He said he no longer wanted a family or me. My plans didn’t work out and I had to go through the painful work of letting go of all the expectations for children and a life I wanted so desperately. I do a lot of community work with children and I cherish stories about women with full lives who didn’t have children. I do my best to learn from those stories that I can have a full life, filled with friends and purpose. I give thanks for what I have, and when needed, still give myself the space I need to morn not having children. I need less and less time to morn as life goes on, which shows me that I am healing.
A cousin remarked to me one day when I was sad that some people she knows who’ve suffered the most, are also some of the happiest people she knows. This comment became kind of a touchstone for me. It gave me hope during days that were very hard and relentlessly sad. It reminded me that people around me, who might seem as if they were happy and fine without a care in the world, might not be, necessarily. It gave me permission to be happy as well as sad and not have one negate the other.
A cousin remarked to me once that some people she knows who’ve suffered the most, are also some of the happiest people she knows. This comment became kind of a touchstone for me. I kind of know what she means. When you’ve lost a lot, you may not only have the capacity for greater empathy, but also life can’t really get to you in quite the same way. And I’ve learned that sadness and happiness don’t negate one another. I can be both at the same time. I’m glad you’re healing.
The thing that helps most is to communicate with others in the same situation so thank you all who writes here! Sometimes beeing around families with small children brings out the worst feelings of loss in me, I feel like I just want to be alone and with my husband, I have nothing in common with them and it doesn’t feel good. I am really having a hard time, we have been wainting for an adoptive child for 8 years and it will not happen so now I can’t wait to find peace of mind. I hope I will get there, but it is not going to be easy.