Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Comments

  1. I am 32 and deeply in love with a divorced dad who has 2 pre-teen children. We have been together for a few years,share a lovely home and a beautiful life. A month into our relationship, he told me that he had had a vasectomy after he and his ex-wife decided to have no more children, but then a month later, after our relationship was in full bloom, he came to me and said he would consider getting a reversal in the future if we decided to have children. About a year later, he divulged to me that he cannot see himself going back and losing his freedom by having another child. I was crushed by the thought that this man that I came to love so deeply would never feel good about creating a family with me. I was so confused and hurt, remembering the earlier conversation about his willingness to get a reversal. He assured me it had nothing to do with his love for me or his desire to build a life together. He saw the next phase of his life as one that was finally about “not having anyone pulling at his coattails,” as I am very financially-secure and independent and ask nothing of him except his love and commitment, and a child would obviously be another responsibility. After taking a few days apart to reflect, I came back to him making the conscious decision to choose him over the chance of having a child. Besides basing this decision on my desire to choose our relationship, I was previously diagnosed with PCOS, which may make it difficult to conceive anyway. I thought that maybe this was God’s way of blessing me with a man who would offer me all that I have ever wanted in a relationship and not expect a child from me. The thoughts of baby keep coming back to me, however, although I had already told him that I would be okay with our future either way, as long as we had each other. It is not fair to him that after making a conscious decision, I am wavering. He is also experiencing incredible guilt for feeling like he is taking something away from me that I thought would just always happen for me. I NEVER thought I would even have to make this decision as “first comes love, then comes marriage…then comes….” Being faced with the decision, I chose him. I continue to choose him, even though I do battle with my decision sometimes. We are starting couples counseling this week, to help flush out some of these emotions and find our own inner peace. Those of you who are “childless by choice of love, not baby,” I am reaching out to you to give me an update on how your journey has been since making your decision, and how you have come to accept an alternative future than the one that you had always anticipated. Thanks so much…cheers to life and love:)

  2. yeay for whiny wednesday!!
    Swiss tennis champion Roger Federer has become the father of twins – for the second time. And since I’m in Switzerland, all newspapers and online media are full of it. AND my fb friends are posting about it. ALL DAY LONG EVERYWHERE!!! If I have to read another post about the Federer twins again I am going to scream!
    I just don’t get it, specially not how people can post about this in their own private status updates. I mean come on. Mr. Federer is a man who is good at hitting a tennis ball with a racket (I never get why he even gets to be famous for that, but ok). Apparently his wife spread his legs and he put his penis in and they had some fun. Or (more likely!) they went through some fertility treatement. Nine months later she gives birth to twins. HOW ON EARTH is that an effing achievement? Why do people post about it as if they personally had something to do with it? Does it make them feel good because it’s a message about the manliness of Swiss men? Is Mr. Federers ability to impregnate his wife with twins (or pay for the fertility treatement….) somehow connected to his amazing tennis playing abilities and therefore, since we are all proud that someone of our country is good at hitting a tennis ball with a racket, make us somehow better people? Do they identify with the wife and dream of their own twins they may have one day, or they may have had in a parallel universe? Do they dream of marrying a successful tennis player themselves and then be a happy family with four twin children (yeay. Only happy if you can afford three nannies on the famous tennis players salary, I guess….) or of being such a manly tennis hero man themselves and finding such a fertile women (she isn’t particularly good looking and apart from her giving birth to twins a lot, little is known about her own abilities….)?
    I just don’t get it.

    • I live in the US and have never even heard of Roger Federer. You made me google him and I just read how this is his second set of twins in less than 5 years, and now that they are here, he’s taking off from his tour for a “few weeks” but is looking forward to getting back as soon as he can. Wow, what a dad. I feel sorry for that poor woman. If that is all the help she gets from her husband (who cares if she has nannies), her situation sounds miserable. I hope it makes you feel better to know the rest of the world doesn’t know and couldn’t care less about this guy or his wife. And now that I do know, I would hardly call that a dream come true.

      • LOL that is great because everybody here really thinks he is famous all over the world….;-)

  3. Just got back from the store where I was selecting M Day cards. Noticed there were a few new ones marked “For Aunt”. What? Wow!!!! I got all excited, opened up a couple and read lovely messages about how much a niece or nephew appreciates the special love an aunt has brought into their lives….but then…. they ALL ended with “Happy Mother’s Day!” So close!

    • i saw those too…decided not to open them because i knew i wouldn’t get one anyway…now i’m REALLY glad i didn’t open them and that i WON’T be getting one!

  4. Oh, i’m dreading the weekend, but since we don’t attend church on That Day, (or FD either), it isn’t quite so hard. I’ll stay off FB.

    I’m having to watch my BIL parent his step-son. Mama wants to be “the fun Mama” and so child has little discipline, enjoys being rude and disrespectful (he thinks it is a sign of his intelligence, granted, he is a highly intelligent child). Mama thinks that her “deep feeling” of love for her son will be enough to parent him. And the whole family eats McDucks and Cup-a-Noodle crap and wonders why he’s hyper and she’s depressed/anxious. But no, i don’t know a thing about life or love ’cause i’m not a mama.

    • Oh Kathryn,

      My husband and I have had to watch this exact thing with my sister and her string of (all now) ex-husbands. Our 16-year old nephew is way out of control. I can’t tell you this gets any easier, it only gets harder to watch someone you love screw up their children by not consistently disciplining or guiding them to better choices. The anger I feel inside sometimes scares me, because I know my nephew’s behaviour could be corrected and/or avoided if either one of his parents were more interested in him than in upsetting each other.

  5. I dropped my bicycle up to the shop today for a tune up and talked to the owner who is the same group of friends I’m in. She has a 6 month old beautiful daughter and I was happy to spend some time holding her and getting my “baby fix”. Her husband is in med school close by in the mountains where I live. She told me that he assisted in the C-section of a 19 year old girl who’s baby was “coming out” ( I don’t mean she was in labor, this was just the leg. Sorry, a little disturbing) She smoked 2 packs a day. Apparently this is so typical in this area. 1 in 3 babies are born addicted to drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. I stood there listening and just thought- “God, why is it that folks like us would have done anything to carry one child and yet this girl will probably have 6 more and not change her unhealthy ways.”
    Just one of those head scratchers.

    • I frequently feel that way when watching the news.

      I don’t feel that way about most of the parents i know, as most of them (my SIL excepted) are good parents, but i do often think, “You are so lucky. Do you have a clue how lucky you are?”

      • I don’t either. My friends/brother are great parents and I enjoy being with their families.
        I loved hugging on that beautiful chunky baby!

    • When we were going through fertility treatment at the hospital we would walk passed pregnant girls in their dressing gowns sat outside having a cigarette it made my blood boil.

  6. My co worker with young children told me that since I don’t have any of my own, she wants to bring hers over so they can get to know me and love me and i can do the same with them. I don’t want to know or love her kids, she thinks i have a pathetic life and I will have to listen next Monday about what a great Mother’s Day she had. I may have to call in sick! UGH

  8. Just got wished my first Happy Mother’s Day (and it’s only freakin Wed!). It totally ruined what had been a delightful, spontaneous mani-pedi indulgence arranged at the last minute.
    Lisa: I would add to your great writing on this topic: Save any Mother’s Day greetings for family and friends — those whom you KNOW are mothers … maybe the bubble bath and wine I have slotted for tonight will reset my mood. Signing off to pour a Merlot now…thanks for the opportunity to whine (with wine!)

    • dear Pamela, you know what to do for the next year. You have to do exactly the same as you did last year. Come to Europe šŸ™‚ No Mother’s Day here.
      (PS: I am not really certain for other countries, but in Slovenia / Croatia they celebrate this date in March.).

  9. Hi there,
    since starting fertility treatment I’ve started reading blogs but never posted something myself. Today I’m home from work due to severe headaches and I saw this “Whine Wednesday” post.
    And I’m feeling just like this!
    My friends think I should be happy living with my husband in a House with garden, both having a job as a teacher in a school nearby. They don’t understand that I’m struggeling with the fact of not beeing a mom. I’ve never wanted to be one of those women who put their job first.
    I’m feeling depressed, because people not only ask, why we don’t have kids, some of them don’t understand, why this fact makes me sad.
    They don’t (want to) know, how many Euros we’ve spent on fertility treatment instead of saving money or just spending it for a new car or holidays.
    Do they know how it feels, when your counting money for Isci only to be disappointed when your not pregnant again?
    I’m still not over beeing not a mom.

  10. Klara, they celebrate it here (Switzerland) next weekend, and I think many other European countries as well. Slovenia and Croatia are nice places, though šŸ™‚