Last week I asked you to share topic ideas for Whiny Wednesday. Quite a few of you were glad to oblige. Thanks for the great ideas.
So, this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is:
Other People’s Pity
As always, you’re free to vent on your own topic, too.
If you have Whiny Wednesday topics you’d like to see voiced, please drop me a line.
Pity, like condescension, creates a power hierarchy, and when you don’t meet “the norm,” you are naturally on the bottom of that hierarchy. That look people give me when I tell them I can’t have kids got very old, very fast. I still get it, even from people I’ve known most of my life. They sort of tilt their heads, the wrinkle between their eyebrows becomes prominent, and their lips purse into an “o.” And I know what’s next, “Oh, I’m so sorry, that must be tough,” and a few minutes later, “Have you thought of adoption?” Inevitably. Always. The common misconception is that adoption is so easy, that there are just hundreds of kids needing a home, and it’s just a matter of placing a kid in my home, and boom! instant family. The problem is, when you adopt (especially through foster care or family services), you’re not creating a family for yourself, you are giving a kid (or kids) a second chance at a stable home. It’s not the same thing as having your own biological children, and by suggesting adoption first, these people negate my grief at the same time they compound the idea that something is wrong with me that sets them above me.
U nailed it Jeopardygirl! Well done, couldn’t have said it better myself!!! – Kristine
Well said!
For me one of the most uncomfortable things about being childless is other people’s pity. Years ago before I went into crisis mode over being childless, one of the things that most troubled me was a comment from an old friend. We had not spoken since high school and found each other through facebook. She married the summer of our high school graduation and had her first child shortly after, had a second child, divorced, remarried, had a third child and has always been a stay at home mom. I got my BA, my MA , worked and then went back and got my PhD. I was wrapping that up when we had our conversation. She asked if I had kids and I said no, and she said, “oh, but you still can.” There was nothing offensive about the comment itself. I said maybe I’ll adopt, as I knew that we had fertility issues my husband was not open to addressing through RT. But I did not react well to the comment. Statements like this or others that come from a sentiment of pity, I think regardless of the situation inadvertently tend to bring people down. They focus on what is lacking in a person’s life, rather than what they have going for themselves.
This is a charged topic for me, as well. So much so, I have avoided letting people close to me know, sometimes, the depth of my feelings. I am acutely sensitized to any hint of pity–and let’s face it, pity is rampant towards childless women, and can feel extremely demeaning and offensive. On the other hand, I can be quick to rebuff genuine compassion, too. I have a friend who does this with me, actually–this friend replies to any evidence of empathy or sympathy (over being chronically sick, or any number of things) with “no, it’s all good,” or something to that effect. She seems to take others’ compassion as a sign that she is weak or lacking in some way. Compassion and empathy, of course, are quite different than pity. I certainly don’t want anybody’s pity, but I also recognize that I (and I’m only speaking for myself) occasionally have a tendency to “throw the baby out with the bath water,” and to confuse another’s genuine compassion or empathy, with pity. It could be that they just don’t know exactly the right thing to say at the right time (I’m not sure that I would in their shoes, either); it could also be that my sense of personal dignity is still fragile and threatened, around this topic. But yes, *pity* is the worst!
Please excuse my questionable choice of idiom! 😉
I don’t want anyone to have pity, empathy, or compassion for me about not having children. If they have any of these feelings for me then that tells me they feel like my life doesn’t measure up, and that I couldn’t possibly enjoy life without children. I don’t have a disability, or a disease, I was just unable to produce offspring no matter how hard I tried. That’s it.
In my opinion, pity is very different from compassion or empathy. Someone showing me compassion might recognise that I at times find certain conversations or reactions from others to be difficult, or that I might have wished things could be otherwise, or that I went through a hard time with pregnancy losses or IVF, and a compassionate person may try to help me by learning about my situation, for example. I don’t think that it means they think my life now doesn’t measure up. Empathy too – I think that all of us here are able to show each other empathy, precisely because we are going through or have been through the same emotions, and able to relate in a way others cannot. Empathy is exactly what I look for – the ability to understand how I feel, including my distaste for pity!
Pity is very different. I find it very condescending, and none of us want to be pitied. I love jeopardygirl’s explanation that pity creates a power hierarchy. It can be hard I think when we are very sensitive to this to distinguish between pity and genuine concern. Some people push my buttons. For example, my MIL isn’t the most empathic person in the world. And any attempt at sympathy from her (which I think is different to empathy too) always comes across as pity or condescension. To me at least. And I cringe at this, and have deliberately kept things from her for this reason.
Compassion and empathy still makes me feel like there is something wrong with my life.
Oops, the word “sympathy” slipped into my comment, but I agree with you, Mali, it, too, is different from empathy. Thank you!
Whine – actually on a wed but posting a bit late.
So… yesterday – I was over at my friends place to help her move. She is going through a wretched divorce , and finally sold her house and moving to a horrible little farm house. That wasn’t the problem.. the problem is her HORRIBLE HORRIBLE mother. Who had us all sit and wait until everyone returned for lunch instead of eating in shifts and continueing the momentum.. but that wasn’t what irritated me so….. This woman tried to insist I had kids. she asked if they were in school. I said I dont have any kids. She asked me again about them right away as if she didn’t hear me. So I repeated myself louder. ‘I don’t have any children ” to which she replies “Oh I thought you had 2 kids.” (oh for crying out loud ~!!! )
“No I’ve Never had kids”
at which point I decide I want to kill this woman. and get up to find something else to do.
which is better than how I handled the Gynie last week when she asked If i’d had any c sections. , when I said No I;ve never been pregnant. she then followed that up with another question about pregnancy…. to which I flipped out and said nO I ‘ve never been pregnant because of my Arse of an exhusband. She then went back to her list and said … no no no no no no ok… next question. lol
I’ve always said I don’t want other people’s pity. What I want is some recognition & respect for what I have been through.