As I continue on my own journey of healing, I find it hard sometimes to write about the issues that used to cause me such discomfort. It’s amazing how the human brain can dull past pain. So I appreciate when readers contact me with ideas for topics they’d like to see discussed.
Recently, Jennifer sent me this question about jealousy within families:
“I see a lot of people post about the joy of having nieces and nephews. Well, my brother’s wife is pregnant and I’m feeling completely pushed of out the picture. It may be because I reacted with shock and sadness over their first pregnancy. But I did write a lengthy, heartfelt apology and when that resulted in a miscarriage, my husband and I were the first to make it to the hospital and we stayed 11 hours with them. Now, my sister-in-law is being really removed from me.
I really want to have the connection with my niece or nephew, but I’m afraid I won’t. And honestly, I’m jealous.
I wonder if others have similar experiences?”
A new baby in the family is a really difficult situation to navigate. There’s such a mixed bag of emotions involved. You’re trying to deal with your own grief, while also feeling alone because others don’t understand what you’re going through. Then a cause for celebration gets thrown in on top of that and, as much as you know you’re supposed to be happy for the new parents, all you can feel is resentment and jealousy that it’s not you. So, guilt and shame for being a bad sport get piled on top of that.
I also know that other people don’t know how to handle us when they have good news. I recall a friend being extremely uncomfortable about telling me she was pregnant. She dealt with it by sitting down, explaining that she knew this was difficult for me, and asking me how much or how little I wanted to know or be involved. I really appreciated her being open and it allowed me to be honest with her about how I felt. I’ve also had the experience of a friend saying, “Guess what?!” and then launching into every detail of how she found out and how it feels to be pregnant, while I sat and squirmed. Often people don’t know what to say or how best to handle us “volatile” folks, so they pull away and say nothing.
How about you? Have you experienced jealousy over new babies in the family? How have you dealt with it? Have you had a good experience with a friend or family member handling their news with aplomb?
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This has been an ongoing issue for me as I have many nieces and nephews. I have to say that the jealous feelings varied greatly for me depending on who the parents are. I had a much easier time with my older siblings having children than I did when we found out my husband’s younger brother and his wife were expecting…they made one of the announcements at the dinner table one holiday. I almost burst into tears at the table. Although that was a few years ago when I was less at peace with my situation, I do think there will always be those slight feelings of “why not me” whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement. For me, the intensity definitely depends on a few different factors : who it is, how close we are, how they handle sharing the news, and whether or not our relationship changes afterward (that’s probably a whole other issue).
For me, I’m not sure if it is jealousy. I’m not sure what label I can put on the emotions I feel when I think of my sister and her kids. When my sister is happy (and for her this means “in a relationship” no matter how toxic), she is a great mother; unselfish, compassionate, supportive, consistent and helpful. The problem is, for most of her kids’ lives, she hasn’t been stable and happy, she’s been a complete mess.
I can’t do anything about it. There have been times when I have tried to be an advocate for those kids, but no matter what, I get shut out because I can’t possibly know how tough life is for her. So no, I’m not jealous. I just know I would have done a better job, and maybe if I’d had kids, she would have been more open to my concern and thoughts.
Hi there, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’m very jealous the moment I hear of any pregnancy, thinking why can’t that be me. I’m usually ok with family as I have a strong bond, especially with my niece. You should try and build a relationship up with your nieces and nephews. I know it’s hard but they are rewarding. I hope it gets easier for you. I’m hoping it will for me too xx
We have recently had three close friends find out they were pregnant with unexpected babies. Yes the emotions go wild with, why would god bless them with something they did not even try for. We did have a friend 5 years ago (in the middle of us trying an IUI) ask if I wanted to be there for the delivery of their baby. It was so amazing and she was so gracious to let me be involved for every aspect of the delivery and her husband let me cut the cord. I will always be great-full for that experience. Nieces and nephews are children who have parents but we look at our relationship with them as someone they can turn to who loves them unconditionally but still has boundaries and will discipline them. We have had family say (after their announcement) oh your still trying! I thought you gave up. That hurts but if we don’t share how would they know.
Currently going through this myself, having three cousins announcing their preganacies just today. I honestly don’t have any answer except be willing to work through your grief and then be happy for them. I don’t usually let people see my sorrow when they are excepting. If I ever receive the experience of pregnancy, I would want people to be happy for me and my sorrow isn’t their fault. It’s not my fault either, it’s just part of my life right now. One thing I have been verbal about with my immediate family is say if you are in the baby way, to give me a call before you make the big annoucment at a family gathering. A heads up so that the attention is on the happy couple instead of how I am going to respond. That may seem selfish to some but I think it saves me undue heartache and puts the attention where it deserves. Anyway, it’s a difficult situation.
I agree with all that has been said, yes, I do feel jealous when hear someone is pregnant, and felt compelled to write as today I couldn’t help getting annoyed in hearing the baby news from the Royal couple over and over again in the news from the moment I woke up, now I just change the channel or switch the TV off. There’s no formula on how to get over, I have my best friend and sister-in-law pregnant with their second child and they both had the first child at the same time and I am genuinely not happy for them, my friend has a dysfunctional marriage, and my brother-in-law has depression and both couple struggles financially for years. Unfortunately I prefer not to be present during announcements and if there is my husband and I make an excuse and leave the place, I fear losing my friend from so many years but it’s been impossible to cope with the second pregnancy, she announce to me via e-mail as she was scared to say face to face, it was a relief, I’m glad she didn’t tell me in person but it was also painful..
I remember so many years ago going through my own infertility experience. I asked my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife) to lunch as I felt she was a friend. I was still struggling with my emotions over a recent miscarriage, going to doctors (there were fewer treatments in the 70’s) and learning that my mother had been prescribed DES
during her pregnancy with me which resulted in the infertility issues that I was currently experiencing. Anyhow when I told her that I wanted to explore the option of adoption ( my husband was reluctant) her response was ” how could you adopt, the baby wouldn’t be your own flesh and blood.” I was floored and hurt by her response and wish I had gotten up and walked out on her. That weekend she announced to my in-laws that she was pregnant and in my husbands family each pregnancy announcement was celebrated with great gusto. Was I jealous? Probably yes, but while I guess I understand my sister- in- law not telling me at our lunch that she was pregnant (she wanted to save that news to tell my in-laws first) , I learned that I better prepare myself for unkindness and insensitivity of others as I navigated by own journey in attempting to have a child. I never achieved another pregnancy, never adopted (I could never convince my husband to do so) and in my opinion I have done a great job of being kind, supportive and enthusiastic as each niece or nephew has arrived mainly for family cohesiveness. Truthfully though the less I see of my sister-in- law the better for me. For me, it’s not so much about jealousy but having to deal with insensitive family members. As an older member of this group I want to encourage you all as you navigate your infertility journey to find ways to take good care of yourself, be kind, try not to be bitter and surround yourself as much as possible with others who will be kind to you too. Also, I admire all of
us. It takes incredible resiliency and strength to cope with infertility.
Phyllis, sorry for all you went through, but so glad to have your voice added here.
Thank you for your contribution. I’m in my late 40s and it is getting easier but I am transitioning to the stage of watching my siblings have grandchildren. It doesn’t hurt as much as watching my siblings have their children, it just surprises me that I am getting this old and it makes me realize I am wasting time by not embracing the things available to make me happy.
I am struggling with the feelings of jealousy right now. My husband has two cousins expecting. Both of these cousins live in the same city as us, but we never see them. When I made a remark about this to my husband, he stated that he didn’t want to invite out this one cousin and his wife who are expecting their 2nd child because I was so jealous of them. He thought I would be angry. Up until that moment, I never though about how my jealousy affected my husband.
I only found out about my husband’s other cousin last week, by accident, on Facebook. My husband’s aunt posted photos from the baby shower. It was a big suprise to us. For one because no one told us and second because I would never have thought they were interested in being parents. They are both lawyers and seemed so immersed in their careers.
I wish I could learn to control my jealsouy. My husband shouldn’t feel like we can’t spend time with his family because I’m so jealous.
Erin, I’ve been there and so appreciate the feelings you’ve expressed. I don’t know if this seems weird or not but for me it’s kind of like desensitizing training, the more I’ve had to expose myself to all of the people having children (11 siblings, 3 in- laws plus assorted other relatives) through attendance at various events, the easier it has become. And it’s not always perfect for the parents either. I’m a good listener and it’s amazing when people honestly share some of the trials and tribulations of raising a family especially in today’s world. At my age (63) I now treasure all of the happy moments I can get and there are many even without the benefit of children. Good Luck, I can appreciate how hard it is.
Phyllis, thanks for this perspective… I am finding it easier now… pregnancy announcements still cause some pangs, but I’m ok being around people with kids. I’m in my mid 40s and have recently experienced the passing of some very dear family members, then nearly lost my spouse this year. I’m with you on treasuring the happy moments. I hope that I will be lucky enough to be a part of my great nieces’ or nephews’ life, as I have been with my niece and nephew. But, I also understand that it takes time, and that at different ages or stages in our lives, we often cannot help but feel the way we do.
Phyllis, thanks for this perspective… I am finding it easier now… pregnancy announcements still cause some pangs, but I’m ok being around people with kids. I’m in my mid 40s and have recently experienced the passing of some very dear family members, then nearly lost my spouse this year. I’m with you on treasuring the happy moments. I hope that I will be lucky enough to be a part of my great nieces’ or nephews’ life, as I have been with my niece and nephew. But, I also understand that it takes time, and that at different ages or stages in our lives, we often cannot help but feel the way we do.
Sorry about the double post!
As much as I long to be social, a popular aunt, a part of a big group of family/friends, my feelings make me stay at home, sort of hiding, feeling shame and bitterness and sadness.
I have told my husband that if/when he becomes a grandfather I will quit my job and move abroad, possibly travel the globe.
What a horrible way to ruin his hope and happiness. But how good would it be for him to have me around, in tears before and after every visit?
Sure there’s anger and the dream of revenge here as well: he would’n have children with me, so I want to let him worry about him not getting both me and his grandchildren.
Is this healthy? No. And I’m working on it in hope of becoming a great and happy grandfathers wife when/if that day comes.