By Lisa Manterfield
I absolutely love this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.
The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.
The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.
I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.
Oh, I love this Ring Theory. I always remember one of my sisters complaining about how my mother reacted to an uncle when our father died. The uncle (by marriage) came to call, to offer comfort, as he had been through this a few years earlier losing his wife. My mother clearly felt comfortable talking to him about it, and asking questions about when E, his wife died. My sister was outraged, thinking that my mother was being insensitive. I saw it completely differently, knowing that he was there to help, he didn’t mind talking about his wife (it probably was comforting to him too), and besides, to use this terminology, my mother was on the innermost ring.
Other family members, responding to my information that I’d had a first ectopic pregnancy, complained that they “didn’t even know I was trying.” And made it about them! Argh. Instead of thinking about the person on the inner ring.
Quite obviously I am going to use this idea again and again! Thanks, Lisa.
Love this! Will use it going forward
This is a wonderful way to show what is needed and to stop people saying truly unhelp things even if they believe them to be well intentioned. I somehow need to share this with my Mum – it will simply reinforce that “I need support” and I “don’t need her suffering deminishing mine” (that should be shared with people further out – I wondered why it was making me so angry) – my loss and infertilty is nothing she can solve I just want her to acknowledge how truly heartbreaking the past 20 years of IVF, miscarriage and ectopic pregnacies are to bear. people somehow relate to miscarriage and ectopic it little more but there is no understanding or symphathy for 6 “no reason” no pregnancy results from IVF. I find this slient tourture suffocating. I am trying to be more honest with myself and the people around me but this is hard – everyone wants to offer a plaster or “move on” story or it might happen (at 47 – I’m perimenapause and have been for 3 years), my last chance was the donor egg IVF just before Christmas and emergency surgery on 5th January 2014 ended everything completely and forever in under 1 hour. I’ve waited patiently for my entire life – I don’t know how to move on and let go of every dream I’ve ever had- no baby, no first bithday’s, no shortbread mornings with other mums – no walks to the park, no tears before bedtime, ………………. the list of lost dreams is endless. Days like today with another colleague – cast out there in the middle of a team meeting with the “I just had the 3 month scan wonderment” reminds me – it will never stop hurting. I’m tired of hurting so much – if everyone kept their happy news to their circle I think I could cope better……… I didn’t intend to write such a long post – I havn’t been able to get things off my chest since April this year……… Thank you for your posts they do help