This week’s topic is a tough one.
Any unexpected pregnancy announcement can be hard to handle, but it becomes even more tricky when the new arrival is a family member. So, this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is:
Trying to be happy about a birth in the family
As always, any topic is open for whining, so let it fly.
This topic is the toughest for me. Expected or unexpected its the same. Its so hard to be happy for them (really I’m glad they don’t have to go through what I do) when all I can think about is that I can’t have that. And I end up focused on the presents & attention they get & what I don’t.
And typically, within a week of the announcement I will be asked to meet them for coffee or have a shopping date. Oh horrors, just to rub salt in the wound.
I am dealing with this right now. My brother and sister-in-law are coming up on the due date of their first baby. Baby is expected some time this week, her due date is Friday. I am looking forward to seeing my niece, but it still hurts.
I am doing my best to be happy for them and for our family. A new baby is a good thing, I think.
I have friends with children. I am a little sad sometimes but I also love being around children. This often means I have conflicting feelings, joy at playing with and talking with a child and pain that I will never be a mother. One wonderful friend asked me “are you okay being around my daughter?” I appreciated her thinking of me because she knew how hard it was sometimes. I thanked her for her concern, and told her I loved her daughter and I wanted to be around her. This amazing friend saw me as a person, just affirming that she knew it was hard sometimes, was a help. I really do love her daughter and treasure my time with her. I also love my time with my friend (the mother) we talk about hobbies we have in common, work, and other life events (not child related). We are friends. Being a mom or no being a mom is not the only thing in our lives.
My family member with the children, on the other hand, creates a very painful situation sometimes. She emailed me to say she was pregnant the second time and, when I didn’t respond to the message, emailed me a day later to say that she was unhappy because I hadn’t responded to her good news. Her kids are great, but the relative doesn’t really care about my life. When I told her about my fertility issues, we had one conversation about it. She tried to be supportive by saying it wasn’t my fault and then told me about all the successful IVF and adoptions stories she knew. We took her kids to the park on day and she started ignoring me in favor of talking with a mom she didn’t know at the park about parenting. I am expected by my entire family to be very happy for her, but it is very hard. And really no one has a right to tell me what I should or should not feel. In short, I guess the point I am making is that it always hurts more when the person who is pregnant ignores my feelings and refuses to talk about anything except parenting.
Hi Amanda – yes I think its the complete lacking from others that makes it far harder. I have very few friends who have ever really got it – I have mostly backed off from them. In terms of family – they have often been the worst – perhaps because I expected the people who know me/love me to be more compashionate. I’m learning to adjust my response and expectations, because to date (we are talking 17 years) – they have not got better. I spend as little time with these people as possible (my own mum is the one I’ve worked at becuase I cannot drop her – and I’ve learnt to forgive her lacking). Its very difficult however and I have since looked at it differently, in terms of work colleagues, friends “how boring to only be able to talk about parenting all the time”!! Its taken years to look at it like this – and it does not prevent any initial hurt – just helps to move past the sadness a little quicker.
This is a tough one. Fortunately, I believe my sibling is done having kids. But I know my 20-something year old cousins will be having babies at some point. Hopefully I’ll be better healed by then.
On another note, I just had two friends on FB make big announcements in one day. One is pregnant and one just had her first grandbaby born. I’m 41 and so are both of my friends (they don’t know each other). The friend who became a grandma had a comment (with supporting comments) on her announcement saying “Can you believe some women our age are just NOW having babies?” It’s a bummer to read that women could be that insensitive. Don’t they think before they type? If by a miracle I did get pregnant, I would sure hate to feel that people think I’m too old. We just can’t win!
At this point, I feel the ONLY birth I will ever be actually happy about will be if my younger sister gets pregnant. She is 15 years yonger than I am and she was my “egg donor” – TWICE!!!! She did two full cycles for me (doesn’t always work – as we all here know!). I want her to be pregnant now, as in this very second, so she never has to face the future I am facing. I will be thrilled and over the moon when that happens because of what she has sacrificed for me. I always loved talking about babies, pregnancies… it’s just all so very sad.
I thought all my siblings were done, and my sister turned up unexpectedly pregnant. That is okay, doesn’t make me too sad. The hard part is dealing with my brother’s wife. Her kids are a bit older, 14 and 16. With my sister’s two other kids, sister in law has been a bit of a baby hog at family gatherings. I refuse to “fight” over a baby, so I got limited time holding my nieces etc. Sister in law’s brother had a twin boy and girl that she got to have all to herself as she is their only aunt, so I’m not sure why she is so “greedy”. I thought I was done with that issue, but now I have to live through it again.
I posted last week that our friends just had a baby and I am having a very hard time being happy for them. It is difficult when new baby’s arrive in my husband’s family, but I feel even worse when my cousins’ have babies. My brother and I do not have any children. This last spring at my grandmother’s funeral I met my cousin’s son for the first time. It was very hard to watch my mom loving the little baby. I sat on the couch on the other side of the room, feeling like a failure for not giving my parents grandchildren. My mother has never said anything, so I have no idea how she feels about not having grandchildren.
My cousin is pregnant and she put on Facebook “thanks everyone who came to my baby shower” and on the comments one of her friends put, “oh your pregnant! Wow your going to be an amazing mummy, being a mum is the most amazing wonderful thing in the world.”
I was so close to typing a comment of my own saying “that must explain why being infertile is the most shitty feeling in the whole world.”
I used to joke that my “super power” was that I could sniff out pregnancies in a single bound. I always knew even before they told me. I think it was my way of protecting myself. I could process the info before they told me.
Lately I have missed one or two and I wonder if perhaps this is a sign that I’m becoming more at peace with being childless. I know longer see this as me being a “less than” person.
Of course tomorrow could bring an unexpected pregnancy announcement and unexpected feelings.
One minute at a time
This happened to me recently. My sister got pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy. I was happy for her but … I was also sad for me because I would never experience this. It’s hard because you try to be happy and keep the happy face on because everyone else is happy about the news and you’re expected to be as well … and then, there are the endless parade of photos, first the ones of them pregnant and then the ones of them with their babies afterwards and having to sit through as your father shows you photos of the baby and the happy mother. In the meantime, they’ve all forgotten how hard all this is for you and you don’t want to talk about the baby, the birth or anything baby related but you have to force yourself to and force that cheer in your voice even though all you’re thinking is, “It’s just not fair.” At least when friends have babies, you can choose not to be around and you don’t have to be inundated with photos if you don’t want to be but with family … it’s there, in your face all the time and hard to get away from. It’ll always be that constant reminder of what you can never have.
You are so right. There’s the inundation of family photos and get-togethers over the years, nothing you can get out of. Can’t admit that, nobody can relate to you or remotely understand it or comprehend it, so you just go. Sure, it’s wonderful to see them grow up, see your siblings and celebrate the occasions. And you can’t explain that seeing these children only makes it more difficult for you, because you do love them with all your heart. How evil a person would they think you are if you talked about it, they can’t remotely process or comprehend it. And then you go home to your home without your children. With friends, you’re not as attached to them, it’s easier to separate and you don’t have so many, if any, celebrations to go to. With family, it’s in your face 24/7. I was able to numb it out my entire adult life and am now just dealing with all the children around me. It’s a cruel cruel life. There really are no words that describes the depth of the pain once you begin to face being childless without choice.
I so appreciate what you are all going through. I can honestly say that I’ve gone through all of the feelings that have been described here. Together my husband and I have 14 siblings, 35 nieces and nephews and 26 great nieces and nephews. I’m at an age (63) where many friends and siblings are now having grandchildren and frequently that’s all the grandparents can talk about. It’s interesting that some nieces and nephews are choosing not to have children and some look at my husband and I and feel that not having children is not so bad. We still have a lot to offer society through our generosity and kindness in whatever ways we can. I have found this forum has been so helpful to me in ways that are hard to describe. I
think that it’s because it’s helped me feel not so alone and to not be ashamed of my
infertility. I can’t speak for anyone else but in spite of all of the trauma of infertility I have also have many, many moments of incredible joy and so much of that is related to my acceptance of the hand I’ve been dealt and the realization that these are the best year’s of my life and I want to make the most of them. A huge sense of humor also helps during the difficult times.
Hi Phyllis – thank you so much for your post – its good to relate to so many posts – however, its really really good to read the ones who have reached a more peaceful place. I feel so sad still and want to feel less choked by it all the time – some days I feel less like I’ve missed out and I do hear too of younger people who are choosing not to have children – its refreshing and crushing at the same time. I wish my childlessness was a choice and not enforced on me with much suffering and loss for so long. However, we follow our path and I too want to grab life and live it without dwelling too much on all what did not happen. Its hard to let go – science still dangles carrots at me – I know it is over but I have walked away and I did not want to choose this – I wanted doctors/clinics to say I’ve timed out at 47 years but they shifted all the goal posts and now I have till I’m 48 with donor eggs. How do you get comfortable with your own decision – I promised that the 7th IVF was the last and after emergency surgery for an ectopic – my husband will not go through anymore and I know in my heart all the risks are too much. Still I feel I have walked away before I truly expired – I hope I have walked away before I pushed myself and my husband too far……
You make a great point, Phyllis. Finding and appreciating the joy in our lives is the ultimate goal, yet it can be practiced every day in small ways too. I also have a billion nieces and nephews (slight exaggeration) and now that it appears our siblings are finished having babies, guess what? Yep, the nieces and nephews are announcing pregnancies. I am at a place where I am happy for them. That’s not to say that I don’t feel those moments of sadness for myself, but I don’t feel completely devastated anymore when I hear a pregnancy annoouncement. I think it also depends on who it is, how close of a relative, how they act, etc. There were times in the past where I had to struggle to fight back tears when I would hear the “good news” and now I kind of just accept it for what it is and can sometimes be truly happy for them. For me, that’s a sign of acceptance of my own situation and part of the healing.
Janet and Jane, thanks for the kind words. I often wondered as I got older what technologies might be available in the future that I was born too soon to take part in. In the 70’s and 80’s things were so experimental and I just didn’t have confidence in the extraordinary procedures available at the time. I tried clomid and intrauterine insemination with trepidation for several cycles, had one miscarriage and never got pregnant again. Then I learned that my uterus couldn’t support a pregnancy due to side effects of a medication my mother was prescribed when she was pregnant with me (DES). It was quite depressing but my natural resilience and the support of my husband helped me cope. I really empathize with anyone facing infertility today. There are so many procedures to try now and how do you decide which ones to take part in and when to quit. It’s got to be such a tough choice. My heart goes out to everyone going through this. On a side note, I just returned from donating blood platelets at my local Red Cross. One of the eligibility criteria for a woman donating platelets is that she hasn’t ever given birth (the reasons too lengthy to describe here). Anyhow donated platelets are needed by cancer patients and in some specific surgeries and these donations can be potentially life saving. It’s interesting that my inability to give life could help save a life. Ironic isn’t it?
That’s incredible. I didn’t know that you can’t donate platelets if you’ve given birth. Amazing!
The information I was given by the Red Cross stated that it has recently been discovered that women who have been pregnant (not including having had a miscarriage) may carry antibodies that could cause complications for individuals who receive platelet donations. Until they learn more, these individuals are excluded from giving platelets but are not excluded from other blood donations if they meet all other eligibility criteria. I know this is off topic but I wanted to clarify
I’m sorry, not necessarily excluded but women who have been pregnant are tested to see if they carry these antibodies and if s o are excluded from platelet donation. It’ all scientific and a little complicated but isn’t everything these days
The hardest one for me was one of my SIL but it was only because the day before she announced we had found out that my husbands sperm count was a big fat ZERO! And that baby was born the day that my husband had his testicular biopsy. I love that little girl to death but also everything about her (from announcement to birth) came on hard days of our journey. Its funny…out of all the nieces and nephews, she is the one that he has bonded with the most.
What I don’t like and what makes me sad and so very angry is when my family doesn’t treat their kids right. I’m not talking about little things…but big things…feeding them crap because parents are too lazy to cook…won’t get them medicine because the cost will take away from something they’ve been saving for….being mean to the child because the child reminds them of their ex! It is hard enough when it isn’t family but when it is family that isn’t treating the kids right you just want to punch them in the face.
I’m a day late but just had to respond. My sister and her husband weren’t even trying to have children when we were going through our infertility treatments, but guess what, they got pregnant, and during our entire struggle I never heard from my sister. Even when she learned she was pregnant, she never acknowledged how difficult it was for me to learn of her blessed event. Because of this I cannot be close to her, and I’m no longer hurt about them getting pregnant without trying, but more about her lack of concern and empathy for my feeling. That hurts more than anything.
I hope your relationship with your sister improves. That is a tough one.
In recent years, I’ve lost a few aunts and uncles, my mother in law, and now my father in law is also in a delicate condition (hopefully we will have him around for a long time). I also almost lost my husband this year to a ruptured brain aneurysm. I look forward to being a great aunt and seeing my niece’s and nephew’s kids and hope to be a part of their lives as I was for their parents. But, I still have issues with pregnancy announcements, especially when their are factors that remind me of how unfair this whole thing is, i.e. cases where you feel that you are more deserving based on all sorts of factors, but someone else gets the “happy ending”. I’ve come a long way from feelings of bitterness and am overall quite happier on this topic, but this kind of thing still gets to me. We sort of have a situation now in the family.