By Lisa Manterfield
Recently, a reader said she’d had an idea to write a letter to the child she never had, and she asked if I thought it was crazy.
Here’s what I told her (edited slightly to maintain her anonymity):
“Writing a letter isn’t crazy at all. One of the things that makes our grief so unique is that there is seldom a finite end to the journey. There’s almost always some option still open, and the loss is more of a gradual moving away from the dream, rather than a sudden end. It makes it really hard to acknowledge the end and grieve that loss.
“Doing something tangible, such as writing a letter, creates a kind of marker that says, ‘this is the end.’ And the other ladies [in the group] are absolutely right about not holding in your grief. If you need to find a time to be alone, close the door to your room, and just let it all out, do it. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing how much grief you can purge with a good cry.”
I told her I would write a post on this topic so that you could share your experiences with creating an end to something that has none. So here it is.
In order to start moving on with your healing process, did you need to create an ending with something symbolic and meaningful to you? Please share any “crazy” ideas that helped you find a stopping place and begin coming to terms with your life without children.
I have this (what I call crazy because of how I felt before) desire to buy a mother&father&baby figurine to sit in our bedroom. A little reminder of what I don’t have & because of that, why I am the way I am. I don’t feel any bitterness with this. Just healing. I feel crazy every time I think about it but it comes with such a healing & moving forward feeling that I’m sure one of these days I’ll get it.
Plus a crib.
I don’t think anything that helps us through is crazy. I think an end is what ‘s missing for most of us. Its taken me 18 months to see its finally over. My end has been a very gradual realization. Its only now that I think I know when it happened. I wrote a poem for myself that I could recall to help me get through my work after we felt we were out of options (I secretly prayed that my husband would change his mind) or that I could convince him it was worth trying again – I could not and knew it was pointless. I came back to work and the announcements rolled in. I wrote a poem so that I could control my sadness and tears till I made it to the ladies or home. The poem goes:
when sadness engulfs, step aside and wish her luck
acknowledge the pain and embrace what has been
let go of the maybe and look forward to what next
rejoice in the journey that brought you to here
keep an eye on the future and let go of the dreams
no more will you wonder at what could have been
what could have been is already here
I recited most of this to myself and I guess I finally have been able to release all the dreams that have been stuck in the one point in time – being pregnant and having a baby on the way is not the only life fulfilling event and it doesn’t last long in any case. We didn’t have the chance and there are many disapointments in having children I am sure. No one stays in the excitment for long – its mostly a worry – or so I have heard! My poem has allowed me to really enjoy the present and think less about the future – spending too much time in our imagined future is not so good for you I have learnt – happiness has begun to bob up by concentrating on the immeidate future and taking note of the now.
I agree that some people may find it helpful to do a project or something creative to assist their healing process. I am currently working on a baby book that contains names I would have liked to use, nursery themes and colors, what type of personality I believe my child
would have had, outfit ideas, etc. Once it is complete I plan to “let it go” somehow. Not sure if I will bury it somewhere, throw it in the ocean or what. My hope is that this activity will help with the acceptance of my situation.