Whiny Wednesday has become such a favorite on the blog and I know that many of you look forward to the chance to have a good rant about what’s on your mind.
For those of you who are new to Life Without Baby or maybe not sure what this Whiny Wednesday thing is all about, I thought an brief explanation might be in order.
Whiny Wednesday came about because many of us felt we were going through our respective journeys alone and that our friends and family often didn’t understand how much we were hurting. Many readers said felt they felt they had to put on a brave face around other people and that the things they wanted to talk about sometimes felt like “whining.”
So, Whiny Wednesday was created as the place where, once a week, you can come and vent about whatever’s on your mind, especially the things you feel you can’t say in-person around others. Most weeks I post a topic for discussion, but the comments are always open for griping about whatever happens to be on your mind.
So, now you know what it’s all about, feel free the have a really good whine this week.
Today my whine is about people expecting an explanation. A few months ago, I experimented with different options to answering the infamous, “Do you have kids?” Normally I say, “No, but I have a fish.” The only time I answered with a simple “No,” I got this reply, “No? That’s it? Just no? Not maybe? Not sometime?” As if I owe people explanations. Even though it was awkward and effectively ended the entire conversation I was having (the person walked away), I am going to stick to that. I will give you the truthful explanation if I want to give you one, but only on my terms. I don’t need to placate you with a “No, but…” as if not having an explanation is not an option. It always is.
I also always just say, No.
I always say no too. I haven’t had anyone say back to me, No, that’s it? Just no? Not Maybe? Not sometime? But I think if anyone did, I think I would say, “that’s right, just no.” And stare at them. I have a way of staring at people that leaves them feeling terrified. At least that’s what people tell me and I have enjoyed using it these type of situations.
Good for you! I always say “no” too. I’m a bit like Maria – If I don’t feel the need to share it with people, I won’t, and I won’t apologise for it.
How dare they expect an explanation! It’s your business and if you choose to share then fine, but if you don’t then they can mind their own…
I’m with you on this one though ladies – I have never yet filled the expectant pause that follows my ‘no’. Does it sound weird that I actually enjoy the uncomfortable silence that follows? It’s a small victory, but I take them where I can get them…and if anyone dared to ask for an explanation, they would get short shrift from me or ‘the look’ as my husband calls it.
They ALWAYS ask me for an explanation after I say no, or they try to guess the reasons why not,
you don’t want them,
You don’t like them, etc.
You’d better hurry up your not getting any younger…
I’m usually cutting their hair at the time, I’m a hairdresser and so I’m stuck there!
I ignored one guy when he asked me and so then he brought the subject of babies up up EVERY time I cut his hair after that, and he only ever liked me to cut his hair, so I couldn’t avoid him or give him to someone else, I told him it’s personal and I don’t want to talk about that with him.
Now I’ve decided I’m never going to cut his hair again because I just know even though i told him twice he will bring it up again and I’m not going to give him the chance to hurt me again.
I must meet the really insolent people in my job
Thanks everyone – I am going to experiment with just “no”. I think I have felt uncomfortable with just no and have provided more and sometimes more than I want to (ie “not by choice” because I want to protect myself from further hurt). I like the idea that no one is due an explanation – we don’t have to justify anything. I feel for you Kath – you have tried hard to shut down your insolent man – I may have been tempted to snip his ear by now! I admire your cool and I hope he gets the message soon.
You need to shave that guy’s head. Not the whole head, just a bald spot that has to take some time to grow in.
This just happened to me again today!!! A total stranger (a very nice older woman) struck up a conversation with me and of course then came the inevitable question…do you have kids? I know it’s just a part of conversation and people use it to find common interests, but to those of us without, it is unbearable. It was like this woman expected me to say yes and when I didn’t, I practically saw her facial expression change, so then I felt like I had to say more. So I started going into how I have all these nieces and nephews just to remove the awkwardness and keep the conversation flowing. I’ve gotten so used to this question, but it can be really uncomfortable.
My whine is about health, my own and that of my loved ones. My mother in law passed away in January 2014, suddenly, perhaps because of a massive heart attack. My father in law is now hospitalized and needs to be intubated to help with his breathing. He is overseas and we have not been able to travel to see him, in part because of my husband’s own health issues. My husband suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage due to a ruptured aneurysm February 2014. He has another we are monitoring. In the last year, my mom has started to having noticeable memory problems. My sister in law’s mom was placed in an assisted living facility because of memory issues. They felt it was not safe for her to live on her own. My aunt passed away, due to a heart attack. My uncle, her husband, has been in and out of hospital due to his heart. He does not want to undergo risky surgery. him breath. It has been a rough ride. And as for me, it seems gone are the days when I have a test done and don’t even think about it again. Last year, while my husband was hospitalized, I got called back after a mammogram because they detected a mass and wanted to have an ultrasound done. Thankfully, all was clear. This year, I had some pain, that I think might have been an ovarian cyst, and I just had a pelvic ultrasound. I’m seeing the doctor next week for the results and follow up. I have no idea what they found, but the technician asked me if I was taking hormones? Has anyone on here been asked that before?
Sorry you are going through all this Iris. I have had pelvic and breast ultrasounds before – I haven’t been asked if I have taken hormones though. I hope you get good results. I find that when it’s bad news, you get a call to come in right away. If you are told to wait 2 weeks to see the dr., it usually means there is nothing urgent to discuss. Hopefully that will be your outcome.
The doctor had told me to schedule an appointment to go over the results. The technician told me that the results would take about 3 days. I had it done last Tuesday, so I was going to call the doctor on Monday, but his office called me first. They didn’t tell me anything over the phone, just that the doctor wanted to follow up with me, and the next appointment they had was for the following Monday. So, I’m assuming, if it was urgent, they would have told me to come in sooner. Still, they also called me back pretty soon. I know that I have a small fibroid that they have been monitoring, and I have cysts that come and go. With all the medical issues that I have been dealing with, I have learned to stop google doctoring. But, when I was asked if I was taking hormones, it made me a bit nervous, because of course, I haven’t had kids, and so I started thinking, too much estrogen, and all the benign and not so benign conditions associated with it. I think being in the hospital for 51 days with my husband in critical condition, has made me a bit stronger… but…
Iris, I’m really sorry you have all this in your life at the moment. (My mother has Alzheimer’s, and it is very worrying.) I could relate very much to your comment, “gone are the days when I have a test done and don’t even think about it again.” I am waiting on some test results at the moment – a routine mammogram, and other tests for something completely different taken rather painfully yesterday. And the waiting isn’t easy.
Iris, so sorry you have alot to deal with right now. I have not been asked yet about taking hormones, however I am noticing more these days with pelvic pain that I didn’t used to experience. I have put it down to peri menopause (I’m 47) and possibly the surgery for an ectopic pregnancy just over a year ago. I have been wondering about all the fertility drugs I took over the past 17 years (7 IVF cycles in total). My father has Alzheimers and my mothers health has diminshed significantly with his diagnosis. Its hard supporting them – especially when we are in need of support for our infertility pain and loss – and then worries of our own health emerge. I’m thinking of you and hoping you have good news.
I know how you feel, Iris. I have intermittent pelvic pain and a few months ago I had an ultrasound. I was so nervous about the results and it turned out fine. I haven’t been asked about hormones but I do believe some hormones can cause cysts , but they may have just asked as a routine question…I always try to read into everything they say (or don’t say) when I’m having a test done and I scare myself unnecessarily. Try not to worry (I know, easier said than done). I’m sure it will be ok .
My whine is actually something I would like to send to a CNN Producer for this *so* uplifting story of “infertility” (note, that’s called sarcasm)….. in which every single story ends with the individuals becoming parents. It does not even touch at all on those of us who go through this and don’t become parents.I find this story almost insulting to the true infertility struggles that we go through in remaining childless.
http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/21/health/infertility-journeys-ireport/index.html
Write them a response!
It’s only been about 2 years since we decided to let go and for the most part I feel quite good about it. We have some great plans for our future and I almost feel like maybe it was actually meant to be that I don’t have children. But in the last month I have had my 38th birthday and a wedding anniversary and we are now approaching mothers day here in Australia and with all those milestones I can’t help but be sensitive to the issue again. I know this time last year was really awful for me. My husbands birthday falls around the same time as mothers day and he often wants to go visit his family for his birthday, but that also means we are with his mum for mothers day and with my sister in law and her toddler child as well and I have to watch as she gets cards made at kinder and flowers and brecky. My mum is great, and I spoke to her about the fact that I love and appreciate her, but I just can’t participate in the commercialism of the day at the moment and if she wants, we can have a day another time. But I think even my husband was surprised that it’s upsetting me this year, and maybe I am too. I’m getting irrationally snappy about the topic and have had a little teary and the odd bad dream again. It’s always so in your face when you feel sensitive to it. Every ad on telly, in the shops, on Facebook. In the spirit of whiny Wednesday, It’s so unfair! I just want to get back to feeling like I’m ok about it. I guess this will probably happen for a lot of years to come.
This is my first full year after deciding to stop. All of the years past came with “Maybe next year!” Everything now is the new reality of remaining childless. I’ve already told husband that I won’t be anywhere near civilization on M-Day. 🙂 We’re going to get out of the city and away from the tv, media, ads, sales etc. and go to the mountains for the day.
That’s what I’d like to do. I’d like to run away and celebrate us, just the two of us and the dog, but as it’s his birthday I can’t really stamp my feet and run away so I end up having to go and smile like none of it matters and feel like I’m being silly. Would you mind if I come with you? Haha!
I’m glad you are heading for the mountains. I rarely watch any tv, so I’m not exposed to the media barrage. I still celebrate mother’s day every year, though, but that is because I see it as a chance to do something nice for “my” mom and “my” aunt (who is childless), and to honor them… I try to think of it that way, rather than a generalized and commercialized ode to motherhood everywhere.
The anticipation of Mother’s Day – with all the hype that surrounds it – is so often worse than the day itself. If we go out to do something with my MIL, then we always do it the day before Mother’s Day, using the excuse that restaurants will be crowded etc. Those first few years can be really tough. I feel it less now.
I feel the same – I mostly feel hopeful and look forward to fun things – its just so in your face all the time. Telly, ads, facebook (8 pregancies in the office) – there is no escape. I think all we can do is be honest with those close to us – its tiring but explaining to your Mum and getting her understanding is positive step. The support of your husband is also essential – I hope he can see that you need to make plans to visit but perhaps shift the timing.
When I first made the decision to stop, I was very happy for the first 2 years, then I started feeling sad again so I think the rollercoaster is normal for a while. Mother’s Day is tough for a number of reasons for me and my husband – his mother died when he was 9, and I am not close to my mother, but my mother is very close to 1 of my sisters and that really hurts. I called her last week to try and make plans with her for mother’s day and she said, didn’t I just see you? We saw each a few weeks before on Easter. Yet, she will spend every day and usually all weekend doing things with my other sister.
Yes, the M-Day drumbeat is starting to get louder. :p My other whine(s) for this week: it’s almost May and yet the weather remains crappy (cold & rainy), and while dh & I have been bundling up & going for our walk almost every day, my knees are feeling the impact. Getting older sucks. 🙁
My vent is about looking around and seeing so many irresponsible and immature people having kids left and right. I know that “life’s not fair”, but come on already…. I hate that I cannot live in a bubble, heal and move on. There are kids and families and pregnant women everywhere , and they seem to always go to the same events that I want to….and the pregnant women know when I am having a bad day, as they are everywhere!
I can relate to this too. It always bothers me to see irresponsible parenting and people who just take their role as a parent for granted. At work last year, it felt as if everyone was pregnant, except for me of course. I was getting really tired of hearing the old joke – it must be something in the water…well, I guess I must’ve been immune to the water, then.
I just did a pregnancy test today and it was negative. We have had about 1 year of well-timed attempts (2 years total allowing conception) with no success yet. My sister is pregnant (got pregnant the second month she tried, right after her wedding), and her baby shower is next month. a part of me feels like i’m going to support her, but i don’t know if i’ll be able to keep myself from crying. I might just show up, rub her belly and give her a hug, and then leave. The thing that makes me feel better is that I got married before her, and she’s older, and I remember how gloomy she was at my wedding. Now it seems to be my turn to see someone with what you want getting it easily right in front of you and having to go support them despite the emotional triggers. I’ve definitely become a completely different person since we began allowing conception. I’m no longer a chatterbox, and I am no longer opposed to psychiatric medications (LOL). I feel difficulty being anywhere but the present or past. The future is scary to contemplate because there’s no guarantee, but I guess it never really is in any area of life.
I’m a day late, but my whine is all about today. This morning I walked into the office and smack into Take Your Kids To Work Day. There are kids everywhere. I am really debating getting through my morning meetings and then working from home this afternoon. With all the kids and activities, I can likely claim that it is simply too noisy here to get anything done today.
I like this explanation. It’s clear that it’s healthy to express thoughts here that we may not be able to express in public. There is support and understanding here. It’s good to voice your thoughts so that they don’t become burried and cause more harm. Although, I will admit that I’m not a big fan of the word “whine”, and find that I can embrace the “whatever” is on your mind topic just as easily. So here’s my train of private thought that I feel I can safely share here, but fear sharing in public: Fertile people are not the only ones that get to hit the jackpot on happiness. Life may be unfair at times, but I have a right to be happy too. It’s up to me to set boundaries with people who don’t share my vision of fulfillment and happiness. If that means turning away a work opportunity, spending less time living a conventional life, or weeding out unsatisfying friendships, so be it. Today I decided I’m worth it! Whatever is good for me…I’m worth it!
I read this quote a long time ago, and it seems appropriate to share. “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road does not mean they are lost” –Dalai Lama. I have this on a post it on my computer and I read it everyday to remind me that I have a right to be happy and live my life as I see fit and not to apologize to anyone. So everyone follow your road if it makes you happy (and to paraphrase from one of my favorite movies) if something gets in your way turn!
I like this post – “fertile people are not the only ones that get to hit the jackpot on happiness”. I feel lost and sad that I’m not going to experience something I have dreamed of all my life (and am struggling a bit today with the announcement on Saturday night of another friend who things have worked out for) – however, I have spent a huge amount of my life pursing happiness and now concentrate wholly on this – that is not a bad life. I’m hanging on to to this quote and the one above from Michelle – to balance out the sadness, I will think of the positives in my life and get planning the next phase of work in the garden and the next holiday.