By Lisa Manterfield
The worst thing about moving 400 miles to the northern part of my state was leaving all my friends behind. In my new city, I knew exactly three people, plus one good friend who lived an hour’s drive away.
One week, while my husband was traveling, I spent much of the time alone, and frankly I felt a bit sorry for myself.
Then, on the Monday “Laura” sent me a copy of her book. I read a couple of chapters and it made me laugh. On Tuesday I spoke on the phone with “Paulina”, who was snowed under in Indiana. I’ve never met her, but we’ve become phone friends over the last couple of years. Later in the week, I chatted by email to Monica and Jody, and made plans to have coffee with Kathleen. I also finalized lunch plans with Pamela, something we’d been trying to accomplish for months, and I discovered that a long-time LWB reader lived in the next town over, so we met for drinks.
I share one thing in common with all these women, and that is that we are childless, but beyond that I’ve discovered we have so much more to talk about, and that these women have become my friends.
When I was dealing with infertility, I didn’t have this community. Although my friends were supportive and kind, none of them had been through anything like it. I looked for an online community, but couldn’t find one where I felt comfortable. I really did feel that I went through that whole chapter of my life almost alone.
I started Life Without Baby to talk about life after infertility and to be heard, but the pleasant surprise for me is that I’ve finally found a wonderful community of women who want to talk, listen, help, and support one another. And we’re not just talking about infertility and being childless; we’re talking about books, gardening, travel, pets, family, you name it.
I know that many of us feel, or have felt, isolated in our childlessness, and that the web has enabled us to find our tribe. And beyond that commonality are the possibilities for friendships, and I encourage you to find those opportunities.
On the private community pages, you’ll find a chat feature, and the forums are always buzzing. There are regional groups and groups for different interests. Behind this password protected wall you can safely send messages to other members or say hello on their walls. There are plenty of ways to make connections and hopefully to make some new friends.
This week (April 19-25) is National Infertility Awareness Week. Of the many, many lessons I’ve learned on my own infertility journey, perhaps the most important one—the one that made it survivable—is also this year’s theme: You Are Not Alone.
Hear hear! That’s been my experience too. That even when I meet fellow No Kidding women, or women who earlier had suffered ectopic losses, our shared experiences might be what have brought us together, but once we meet, we see there is so much more to each of us, and we can’t stop talking. Yet we’re not talking about our biology or infertility or losses – perhaps because we’ve already done that online.
Thanks for reminding me about NIAW – I feel as if it should be INIAW (International and National …), because with the internet we are not just a US community.
Hey Lisa!
I remember that day like it was yesterday ! You were among the first of our tribe — and what a wonderful tribe it turned out to be — to agree to meet in person. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. xo, Pamela
Well, as I recall, Pamela there was food and wine, but yes, it was an incredible experience to meet a kindred spirit in the fog!
Much love. xx
I’ve been feeling like I need to reach out and make friends with the women that visit the site. It’s good that at least a number of you are out in California. I don’t think there are many here in South Florida.
IrisD,
Stay tuned. I’ve heard from a number of people forming in-person support groups lately. I’m planning to do a post this week.
~Lisa
Lisa, thanks for maintaining this online community over the years and being tolerant of the opinions expressed by those of us who are spiritual and religious.
For a person with deep faith in Jesus Christ, it is impossible to talk about the pain of childlessness without also linking it to our Lord’s cross, and ultimately tying it to the joy of new life in Christ. It’s just the way some of us Christians roll; it’s our love language and message of hope to the world. When you blessed me with the privilege of being a guest blogger, I was amazed by your generous spirit. Thank you!
I’ve heard that one of the difficult tasks of a blogger is filtering undesirable, even negative, comments while at the same time making sure people feel comfortable speaking their truth. I think you do a beautiful job of this. And you do it all as a gift. Not all online communities are like this. Some require a fee to join the conversation. You do not. Thank you.
I buy your books as soon as they are published. I hope others are doing the same to show our gratitude for your work. May our good and gracious God continue to bless you and Kathleen and our entire LWB community.
Dorothy,
Thank you for this. My goal was always to create a community that embraced everyone. The last thing I’d want to do is alienate people who are already struggling to feel included.
I do filter all new comments and I’m glad to say that that very few people with an agenda of hatred have made their way here.
Thank you for your continued support of this community.
Lisa
this made me check out infertility awareness week… and I ended up on a site asking me to add an embryo-shaped “twibbon” to my Facebook profile to help build awareness for “family building options including embryo donation”.
Urgh. Sorry, but – no.
My husband and I had plans to go to a museum the other day, it was free admission for educators and their families. I could bring 2 other people, plus my husband. We didn’t have anyone to ask because everyone we know except for 1 couple have children.
I have some friends that don’t have kids but they don’t live close by or we just aren’t that close anymore.
We still had a good time but sometimes this club is lonely
Thank goodness for the Internet; infertility must have been a much lonelier experience before its existence! This particular corner of the infertility community used to be much smaller & harder to find; thanks for all you have done in the past few years to welcome women living without children and make them feel less alone. 🙂
Has anyone found that since starting on this journey, their former friends have drifted away? I’m having a really tough time with finding that the number of friends have really dwindled and my confidence with it…to the point I actually find it hard to get past the superficial stuff with people and really make friends. I don’t even know where to start in order to make friends – I literally feel like I have lost the ability to form friendships and have nothing to talk about.
I feel that way too. Almost all of my old friends have kids and we’ve grown apart because of it. My few friends who don’t have kids are childless by choice so we don’t really relate to each other like we did before I started struggling with not having kids. I don’t feel like I have any idea how to make new friends. It’s often a lonely existence.
Hey Kristina – yep, that’s how I feel – lonely. It’s like a cycle…lose friends, confidence seeps away, can’t make new friends as confidence and trust have been whittled away. I’ve got so desperate I’ve googled how to make friends. I’m sure it never used to be so hard when I was little!
I have started pushing myself to talk to people more and have been on these forums…how about you?
Is anyone here from New Jersey?