By Solo Girl
I have a large extended family; we have to rent a hall for big family holidays so we can all get together. And now all those sisters and female cousins are newly married and reproducing. Every time a baby shower comes up I’m invited, and I wrestle with myself over whether or not I should be able to go yet.
I’ve always been supportive and encouraging with my family, happy to celebrate in another’s happiness. It’s been four many years since my dream died, and I get the sense that I’m expected to be “over it” by now.
Unsure and not wanting family to think I’m selfish or emotionally immature, I went to a cousin’s baby shower about a year ago. I mentally prepared myself ahead of time. For example, I’m terrified of flying, but I know that there is lift-off, food, a movie and a landing, and then it’s done. I thought about how there would be food, presents and games at this shower, and then it would be done. I thought to myself “I should be able do this, even my own Mom is expecting me to go.”
I thought the worst part would be the games, but I was wrong. It was the chitchat. I actually got stuck between my mother and a cousin having a conversation on the couch about how all the women in our family have long labors. Seriously. When I got home I wrote myself a note in black marker and stuck it on my kitchen pin board where it still remains today: “You never have to go to another baby shower ever again. No one will notice; no one will care. It’s torturous. Don’t Go. Don’t feel guilty”.
But a year later I still get shower invites and I continue to question whether I am – or should be – ready to attend now. And I want to know, is it ever going to be something I can attend? And what can I tell my family that will help them understand how painful it is to attend without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself after all this time? They have high expectations of me, and I really do think they mean well. I was in a deep depression four years ago, and I think they are trying to make me normal again. I think.
I’m glad Irina Vodar is producing a documentary on the subject of infertility that some helpful social norms will come of it.
How do you handle these situations?
Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada. She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.
In France baby showers are something relatively new … but for me the answer is simple, i don’t go, never … i dont want to torture myself, if my friends and family cant understand that, its not my fault ! (Sorry for my english)
I don’t attend baby showers or gender reveal parties. I send a gift for the shower and that’s it, if the mother to be doesn’t understand that’s their issue. I also come from a large family who throw big parties. After years of infertility when I was finally pg with my twins I had my shower being planned and lost them. That was the final straw for my with showers and I don’t think I’ll ever attend one.
Great idea to write a note to yourself and post it. I still struggle when I get shower invitations, wanting to support my friend, wanting to support myself. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Its entirely your decision and if all attending will do is make you miserable then don’t go.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My solution for the last 10 – 12 years: I avoid baby showers, baby welcoming parties, toddlers’ and kids’ birthdays. I tried going. It is a torture. Living hell.
My conclusion: in order to survive, I have to skip those things.
People who love me understand it .
Wishing you all the best!
That’s it it hurts when you see others experiencing things that you should have had but sadly lost out on and when you attend those things and they make you feel miserable its like rubbing salt in an open wound and if that’s all it achieves is make you miserable then its the right decision not to go and if anyone says you should be over all that tell them you are not and need more time.
Your family sounds like mine about 10 years ago–when we were trying, and didn’t know what was wrong. At a shower for my “twin” cousin (we share a birthdate–year and day) I got into a conversation with the mom-to-be and a couple of other cousins about baby names. I was enthusiastic and felt comfortable until one of them snottily looked at me and asked, “Are you pregnant?” When I said no, she LITERALLY turned her back to me and essentially cut me out of the conversation. I don’t go to baby showers anymore. I send a gift. My mother does not understand, but then, as supportive as she’s been in other areas, she never has understood that sometimes my self-preservation has to come above being sociable and generous.
That sounds really tough Solo, especially as your family know the circumstances. It’s strange isn’t it, this expectation that there’s a date by which we should he over it?
I had a similar experience a few weeks a go with a family get together. It wasn’t a baby shower but all of my cousins and brother have children – I’m the only one that doesn’t. They don’t all know the back story but my brother does. I too usually duck out if this stuff but my mum made it clear I was to go. My torture included my nan commenting on my brother’s wonderful little family, me being excluded from some photos as I have no children and then my brother expecting me to hold his newborn son despite me having said I’m not ready to. How quickly he forgets my depression and anguish, which was only 15 months ago.
The resulting meltdown made it clear to me that I should politely but firmly say no in the future – regardless of how selfish I am perceived to be. I hope you can do the same, but sometimes the weight of expectation is a heavy one!
I will never go to another baby shower again and I don’t allow myself to feel guilty. If its close family, I go online, buy a gift from their registry and ship it to their home. Sometimes even the on-line shopping can hurt but I know enough not to browse and pick out anything special – I just order something priced at the amount I want to spend and buy it. If I don’t know the person well, I don’t buy a gift. Half the time, these showers are just so that the mother can get a lot of free stuff. Not from me.
I gave myself permission a few years ago never to attend another baby shower again. They are torture and send me into a dark place. My mental state is more important than a baby shower… No matter how close the mother to be is.
I have a drawer with children’s books – purchased when I’m in the mood, and usually on sale – that is my go-to for kiddie gifts. I just pull out a book, write, “Read to your child every day!” on the inside, wrap or bag, and send it with someone else. I figure if the recipient doesn’t know me well enough to understand why I dodged, they are darn lucky to get a gift at all!
The only guff I’ve ever gotten from doing that came from the “Potluck Goddess” – the secretary at my workplace; when the next shower rolled around I explained to my boss and he told everyone he’d sent me to a meeting. I got a nice late lunch “meeting” with a friend, and no complaints the next day at work. 🙂
Wow! What a great boss!! 🙂
I won’t go to any shower/gender reveal (seriously, what’s up with that!?). The only one I went to I thought I’d do okay since it was just friends at lunch with a gift card tree. But no. I said I would not willingly put myself through that again, and that was about five years ago. Nobody cares. Just don’t do it.
I’m really sorry you go through this. (Baby showers are pretty much unheard of in NZ, thank goodness). I know what I’d do though if I were you. I wouldn’t go. Only if it was a sister I think, or best friend. And even then, I’d have a plan. If you can’t get out of it, a plan is good – whether that means a role to keep you busy and away from awkward conversations, or a pre-arranged escape plan, when it just gets too much. Delivering a gift personally either before or after the shower should assuage any concerns the guest of honour might have. And as for anyone else that asks why you don’t go? Well, I think I’d just say, “I don’t do showers.” End of story!
I have only been to one shower in 30 years… I hate them with an emotional passion. The one that I did go to, I made sure to show up an hour late and then spent most of the time in the bathroom choking back the tears. It’s just so not fair and even more painful. It was for one of my employees, and as hard as I tried to get out of it, I just couldn’t without looking bad. I have one that I was invited to this weekend, but thank goodness, I am having to take a business trip!!
So sorry to hear of the anguish – I think the comments have said it all. “don’t go” – and don’t wait for people to understand the anguish. I’ve been thinking I will one day get over it. I battled with IVF on and off for 17 years, we walked away a year ago and I am manging to congratulate colleagues without running to the loo for a cry. And even if a cry overcomes me at some point – it doesn’t spoil my day. That is great progress and I no longer expect anything more. This is more peaceful than I have been for 2 decades and it certainly doesn’t include socialising or attending parties or showers. We don’t have any family with young children or babies and so have been spared some of this in recent times. I certainly would not go under any circumstance if I did. We visited my sister in law at the hospital after the birth of her first – 16 years ago and in the aftermath of our 3rd failed IVF at the time – it killed and I vowed no more of that. It must be very difficult however if you are “expected” to go. You need to be very strong to say no – do try, once you have done it once it will get easier. I have a couple of times “invented” – work/weekend trips away that clash. Have a semi legit reason to send apolgoies and that may help you. Try not to think about when you may be able to attend – I’m not expecting or forcing myself to socialise with any pregnant people – sometimes I think I could handle it and then I think – really, these people have everything (they have the baby coming), we have to ask ourselves who are we going for and why do they need our presence. Don’t do it – everyone will get over it, including your Muam and nuts if they don’t. I think if the book “silent soriety” had been out earlier I would have given it to my mum and familiy to help enlighen them. I truely don’t care what anyone thinks now and don’t feel enclined to try anyone. This is a loss of such depth and magnitude and genuinely don’t think I will get over it – my cousellor explained that grief doesn’t shrink or get smaller – you slowly allow good things and joy back in and these get bigger around the grief and make it seem smaller somehow, but it is always there, we live around it and grow the good things so it is easier to live with. Its always there with you – take what you need to get more good things in your life. Thinking of you. Life does get easier but I think it involves being strong with people and saying “no” to events and letting go of some friends.
Went to buy a baby shower gift today for a shower this weekend. Was having a hard time coming up with an excuse for not attending when my boss called and is sending me to Colorado for a week for work and I just so happen to leave the day before the shower. Oh so very happy!!!! I sure hate buying the gifts, I find it irritating… I just hate being in that section of the store. All I see are items I will never have a reason to buy…. So painful. But I managed to do okay…. That is until driving home and I envisioned the mom-to-be walking through the store all excited about picking items for her registry…. That’s when the tears started to flow. This just sucks sometimes….. Sniffle, sniffle, sniffle…
The games are pretty dumb, but I often just ignore them. You’re right, it’s the chit-chat that’s hardest to take. I know I’m within my rights not to attend, but I’ve never had the nerve to turn down an invite unless I’m going to be out of town (for reals 😉 ). I even attended a shower on the weekend of my 40th birthday while going through infertility treatment — talk about a glutton for punishment. :p
These days, I don’t find showers as upsetting as I did post-stillbirth and while going through infertility treatment… but I still find I am exhausted when they are over. I will often give a gift card ( = no need to torture myself by going to baby stuff stores), gladly accept a glass of wine, if offered, and I long ago figured out who’s usually up for a conversation that doesn’t completely revolve around kids, babies & pregnancy war stories.
I’ve never been invited to a gender reveal party (yet??!!). If I was, I don’t think I’d go. There ARE limits…!!
Ugh. My husband is awaiting the birth of his first grandchild and he cannot, absolutely cannot, understand why I do not want to go with him to see said child after it arrives. WTF!? Other than the practicalities, not to mention cost (we live hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from family, in various different directions), I would find it torturous to have to go and stay at his daughter’s house at this time. I have given him my blessing and support, encouraged him to set up a time to go, but I cannot bring myself to go with him. He is furious about it and I just feel desperate. I feel like there is something wrong with me and yet, try as I might, I just can’t make myself feel differently!! What a nightmare.
Woah M2L this is not your fault and your husband needs to give you some serious slack on this. You have given your blessing and if this is as much as you can offer then so be it.
There is nothing wrong with you and I’d feel the same way too. I hope you will be able to talk to him about it and give your view.
Thank you Sarah. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear others say that they would feel the same way as I do. It is helping me get some perspective. I am so grateful to you! x
M2L, I’ve been thinking about this – what happened, do you have to go? No one should make you feel abnormal or freakish for not wanting to partake in grandchild worship, even if it is your husband’s.
Thank you Rose. I am touched that you have been thinking about my situation! I know in my heart that my husband’s anger is about his own fears and insecurities, too many and various to mention here. It is really helpful for me to hear that I shouldn’t be made to feel bad for not wanting to go; absolutely true, of course, but I realise I needed to hear it from someone else. Thanks again 🙂