By Justine Brooks Froelker, LPC, CDWF
Infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss and childfree acceptance are some of the most shamed words in our lexicon. The blogging universe has helped move us past this shame in many ways; however we have a long way to go in my opinion. My blog, Ever Upward, is my story; completely honest, completely open and without much shame…anymore at least.
Owning my story, completely and out loud, for the world to read has changed my life. My healing journey continues to improve and I am making connections with so many people all over the world. However, I completely understand and get that this is not how most of us going through infertility and childfree acceptance feel. However, I would like to offer a permission for all of us.
No apologies.
If you aren’t ready for that baby shower, politely decline. If your friend only talks about her brand new baby or her kids, respectfully ask her about something else in her life or bravely ask her to stop. Or simply greatly limit your time with her. Only you know what you are ready for with wherever you are in your journey. Give yourself permission to ask for what you want and need and to set boundaries. And do it without apology, especially to yourself.
As I write, I am headed home from my certification training with The Daring Way™ based on the research of Brené Brown. Through my work in the last 5 days I have learned more about my shame surrounding my IVF journey. Of course the misunderstandings and judgments that society and others have surrounding infertility can make shame envelope me so quickly that I completely shrink. But, through my work I also learned that at times I shut myself down in telling my full story because I know it is difficult for others to hear. Not only do they not want to discuss shamed infertility but they also don’t want to have to feel how sad my story is. Or how much they wish I could be a mother because they know I’d be a great mother. I find that I quiet myself and don’t share because I shield myself from feeling shame by people pleasing and caretaking, not wanting someone I care about to feel any pain, let alone my pain.
But, I also silence myself because I really don’t want their fucking sympathy.
I hopefully yearn for their empathy, and one day their understanding.
In the light filled spirit that has washed over me after learning the curriculum of The Daring Way™ I am filled with courage and hope. I will no longer shy away from my story, ever. I will practice my shame resilience. I will stop making apologies to society, to my friends and family, but most of all to myself.
So without any apology:
I am Justine.
I tried IVF two times with a gestational surrogate, and for us two times is enough and one more time than we really could afford both financially and emotionally.
I can’t have kids.
I tried very hard to be a mother.
I paid a lot of money to be a mother.
And, I put my body (and my surrogate’s body) through hormonal hell to have a baby.
But they were never my babies to love here on earth.
I know that adoption isn’t for me.
And so I work, sometimes every minute of every day, to accept my childfree life and to let go of my childlessness.
And I will no longer silence myself because my story is sad or scary for anyone, as I will no longer allow shame to steal my true self.
Because, this is my ever upward.
No apologies.
Justine Brooks Froelker is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator (based on the research of Brené Brown) with a private practice in St. Louis, Missouri (www.jbftherapyandcoaching.com). In February 2011, she and her husband began their journey in the world of IVF. 2 rounds of IVF with a gestational surrogate, 2 transfers, 3 babies never to be born and learning to accept a childfree life later, Ever Upward was conceived.
Thank you for your honest and real comments, Justine. I read your post while nodding my head “yes,” quietly saying, “Me, too.” No one understands like the ones who have been there. I also felt so much healing when I wrote my eBook on my infertility struggle. And I’m currently reading Daring Greatly, so your post hit home. I look forward to reading your story – and thanks for sharing.
Lara,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to leave these words. I wrote this piece a while back, and am so thankful it still resonates and helps others. Thank you again, I hope you enjoy my book! Justine
Thank you Justine for sharing your story. It resonates with me and moved me deeply. I’m 39, single and have come to the end of my infertility journey. Three fresh transfers and 1 FET later, I am just beginning to accept a childless life. It is hard. Every day is a struggle and I wonder if the heartache will ever lift. I’m slowly learning that I need to share my story with those around me and offer no apologies. This is life. This is real.
I am over the shame but not over the grief process, and knowing that I never will is bone crushing to me at times. I’m glad writing about your experience has helped you.
Sherry,
It is a lifelong grief for sure and freaking brutal! I hope you find my book helpful too! Thanks for reading and commenting! Justine
Bravo Justine! What courage to write it out therefor all of us! I tired desperately to get pregnant but had multiple health issues. My husband and I went for adoption privately, and brought our son home only for birth on to change her mind and we literally had to return him. Traumatic! At times I can’t believe all we did to become parents and it still did not work! I have a friend who adopted successfully and she felt horrible because ours failed, and the our relationship has been so strained since. you are right people do not want to hear it, and it angers me when peop,e say you would have a been a great mother! It does not change the facts! I too have longed for empathy from others for this painful journey, but it is not going to happen! We re next moved into a new home for many reasons but one was because the other place was where we lived when he had our son briefly. I was watching a Zillow commercial about hone buying to adopt, still a trigger and I am still sad at time about the outcome of this. But there is great improvements and I don’t stay in a funk for so long about this issue. I believe it will always sting for a lot of reason, but brave people like you give me courage to continue to work thru this, and not feel less than or shame because we could not reproduce. Thanks to all my sisters out there who really get this! You are so important to me! Hugs,
Supersassy
Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t feel ashamed as much as bitter and jealous. I have starting to be blunt with people when they ask why I don’t have kids…or more often when I am asked if I have kids and I tell them I only have 4 legged children- the remarks I get are along the lines of you don’t know what you are missing and you should have “real” children. I find that being just as blunt and indirectly rude as them makes me feel better and hopefully makes them think before they talk in the future.
Excellent post in my humble opinion. I am at the age that my contemporaries are having grandchildren now. Many days I do well but there are those days that are just trying especially when I am with bragging grandparents. I looked in on your website Justine and I think it will be very helpful to me on those tough days. Thanks so much!
I was told yet again this week that I would have made a great mother… So tired of hearing that!!!!!! Then told I should have adopted. I looked at her and said “it’s not like you go and pick one off the shelf”. I know everyone’s comments are well meant… But enough already. They pierce my heart every time.