By Kathleen Guthrie
Shortly after I sent out save the date cards for our wedding, I received several variations of “Didn’t know you were pregnant – har har!”
I didn’t finding this the least bit humorous, although I’m sure that is what those Jim Carrey–¬wannabes had intended. My fiancé and I had been together for four years, living together for two. We were getting married because we wanted to, not because we had to. And so what if I was pregnant? Would it make this occasion, our commitment to each other, any less solemn?
Of course, because I had finally (mostly) made peace with our decision to be childfree, our friends’ insensitive responses struck a deeper, more painful chord. What I really wanted to do was reply back by saying, “No. Sadly, pregnancy is no longer an option for me.”
But that would have been rude.
Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She met and married her Mr. Right in her 40s.
We suffer relentless rudeness from others, and we are never rude back. I now think that makes us (me) a person with dignity and integrity, and that’s a good thing. You were gracious not to sink to their level. I will say that there was one person who was rude to me at my bridal shower, and they did not get an invitation to my wedding. It was a friend of my mother and I told her, if she calls you and asks why, give her my number and tell her to call me. She never called.
Kathleen, I do not think that would have been rude at all. Maybe it would keep them from making seriously stupid and insensitive comments in the future.
I agree 100%. What is rude about an honest, polite reply to a comment that is either a question in disguise or an insensitive joke? I don’t understand that at all.
I kinda agree with Wendy… I don’t think it would have been rude. My last pregnancy ended with a double pulmonary embolism induced by the IVF meds …. so in truth for me, pregnancy is no longer an option according to the drs. because my body can never be filled with high levels of estrogen ever again. – And it doesn’t take a pulmonary embolism for pregnancy to no longer be a viable option for women! Enough heartache is enough heartache and then pregnancy no longer becomes an option. — of course, then everyone will say “just adopt”…. but that’s another post!!!! lol
I know! It’s like everyone thinks you just walk down to the corner drug store and pick a baby off the shelf and bring it home.
I am so glad others such as yourselves get it. With out having some validation in the early stages, I definitely would have thought I’m losing my mind. It’s a fine line between being honest and sharing, or then being labeled bitter. That why I’m on these blogs ,get outside help, and read books , so I’m not bitter. But only those you have had the same experience will get it! Thanks Ladies for the comments and support! You are all awesome!xo
So true Candy. Someone once said that to me so I reached for a pen and paper and asked them to write down the address for the baby buying shop. I know she meant well but I’d had a bad day and snapped. (I did apologise later and then explained the situation in more detail. She had no frame of reference so how could she possibly have known it was so hard).
It is such a double standard . We are suppose to listen to all the stories about being pregnant , kids, especially this time of year with the kids going back to school , which is tough for many of us, but it got me thinking about the adoption disrtion we had and it make me wonder if he is getting ready for school! But if we made your comment about pregnancy is longer a option the we maybe considered rude or bitter!it stinks! I had a situation recently where a co worker was complaining about her kids and the says you are so lucky you don’t have kids. I wanted to say something like a not having kids was not my choice, or something, but I don’t have a short good response. , to say this was not our plan!i don’t know. People just don’t think about others and their situations. Anyways, th is for the topic, I appreciate it! And if anyone has some feedback about how to respond to that statement, I would live it! Hugs to all!
I totally agree, I made a comment back to someone in response to something last week, wasn’t rude at all and still got called bitter. So tired of people automatically going to calling people bitter just because they don’t understand the struggle of infertility and loss and that not everyone wants to talk kids 24/7
Let me guess… The person that called you bitter, has children??? Yep… They don’t get it…
I thought I was the only one who this happened to! I could not believe the amount of people that made these comments to us after our engagement. It ramped up again around our one year wedding anniversary. Things like “you better get on it” “you’re not getting any younger” etc were said since the whole shotgun wedding ideas they had didn’t pan out. Thanks for sharing this. I honestly thought I was the only one and now I realize, yet again, how truly insensitive people are!
Wow…. That comment left me completely speechless… Which generally is hard to do. I can’t believe they said that to you… These comments people make just blow my mind!!!
I also think that an answer “No. Sadly, pregnancy is no longer an option for me.” wouldn’t be rude.
But joking about pregnancy from your relatives/friends…. yes, this is rude.