By Lisa Manterfield
I absolutely love this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.
The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.
The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.
I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.
Great news: The final book in the Life Without Baby ebook series comes out September 22. Writing Thriving in a New Happily Ever After showed me just how far I’ve come in making peace with my childlessness. I’m looking forward to sharing it with you. It’s available now for pre-order at Amazon, along with the first three books.
YES. I read this article when we were going through counseling to decide whether to end treatment or not. I think it absolutely amazing! I used the same theory when my husband went through a health scare. Thank you for posting it!
I JUST shared this article with a friend yestersay who is acting as a support person right now. I love it! I think I’ll find a way to work it into a Life Skills course I’m working on. It would go great in the healthy relationships section.
Please never ever say sorry to me. People have nothing to be sorry about. They didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not there fault. I’m not without a baby because of them. I don’t need sympathy, I want understanding.
Having said that I cannot expect understanding if I don’t talk about it. I cannot expect people to know how I feel or what I am going through unless I share what I feel or what I am going through. I personally would prefer people not to say anything – why should my not having children have to be a topic at all!
At the end of the day I believe people are just trying to deal with things in the best way they know – some have a good frame of reference but some don’t. At the end of the day I don’t think any of my family or friends want to hurt me despite what they sometimes say. I’m sure I’ve hurt people at times (without meaning to).