By Lisa Manterfield
When you realized you were never going to have kids, did you reassess your lives and make any big changes that you never would have made had you had kids?
I was asked this question recently and it caused me to stop and think. Much of the past five years has been spent healing, coming to terms with a life without children, and learning about myself again. And while I’ve done a lot of reassessing about the kind of life I want to live, I’m not sure much has changed.
When we thought we were going to have a young family, Mr. Fab and I had planned to buy a house in the neighborhood where we rent. The schools are good, and the city is family-friendly. But now we won’t be having children, that’s no longer a priority and we’ve talked a lot about where we’d like to live now that we’re free to live almost anywhere. Buying a house is no longer a priority. In fact we have our eyes on a sailboat instead.
But aside from that, not much has changed in the way we live. Much has changed in the way we thought we were going to live, but when I step back and reassess, life really has just gone as before.
Sometimes I think we feel pressure to do a major life overhaul when we realize we won’t have children, but is that true? Yes, I have more freedom to take opportunities and make changes, but after all is said I’m done, I’m still the same old Lisa and the things that were important to me before are largely still important to me now.
How about you? Have you made big changes now that your life won’t include children?
The final book in the Life Without Baby ebook series comes out tomorrow! In Thriving in a New Happily Ever After, we look at how to find joy in your life again, how to decide what, if anything, needs to change, and how to take the first steps to move in a new direction.
I did. I got into school and got a MBA. No working towards an RN program. Once I finish the BSN, MS and why not a PhD. I get saf from time to time. I feel lonely but I have nobody else to worried about than myself. I feel I have no excuses to fail school. I know I would go far in life. Maybe I did not get the opportunity to make a positive contribution with a child but I will get it with the adults.adoption is not a replacement solution for my infertility issues. I know many women feel the same.
I do feel this pressure to reevaluate, and do something GREAT! Since I apparently have all this freedom that my parent-friends would love to have, the pressure is certainly there.
The hubs and I did make a big geographic move last year when we stopped with fertility treatments, and part of that was for a change of scenery/priority. We moved somewhere with a big emphasis on the outdoor lifestyle instead of just work, which it was where we moved from. It has been lovely and allowed me to think, maybe I don’t need to something GREAT, maybe just having a great lifestyle is enough to make a difference.
That, and writing that novel I’ve always dreamed about 🙂
I know I’ve written about this before on my blog. Basically, the answer is no. We thought our life was going to change, we were ready for it to change, but since we realized that kids weren’t going to be in the picture, it’s been pretty much the same as it always has.
Actually, we are on the verge of making some major life changes right now (i.e., we’re considering selling our suburban house with the big unused kid-friendly back yard & moving into a condo) — but this is 17 years after our daughter’s stillbirth and 14 years post-fertility treatments. I would say it’s a decision motivated more by our early retirement and dh’s lack of desire to continue to mow the grass in that big mostly unused back yard & shovel snow, lol. But the fact that we don’t have kids makes it much easier to do something like this at this point in our life. I imagine some of our peers might do the same once their kids are grown & gone from home (although that seems to be happening later these days…!).
I think a lot of people, when they hear we don’t have kids, think we should be constantly travelling or living on a tropical beach somewhere or volunteering in a third world country or something dramatic like that. That’s great if you want to do it, but I’ve never felt any great desire to overhaul my life in that way. I’m a pretty conventional person, lol. I’d like to travel a little more than we have so far, but aside from our lack of children, I’d say we have a pretty good life and I’m quite happy with it.
Absolutely. We were just talking about this last week. For the past few years, life has been on hold pending said pregnancy. And, since we stopped trying, we have just remained stuck in the 9-5 grind. But we are slowly getting out of that rut. Many of the perimeters we had around our life are now gone. Like Lisa, we no longer have to consider buying a regular house, and certainly don’t have to consider school districts. It’s a definite change in mentality.
I feel like I view this differently, perhaps wrongly… I feel that I would have totally made different decisions and made bigger plans in my life…IF…..I knew. I would not have depleted all my 401-K accounts and bled my finances dry with nothing to show. I just turned 40 this past week and it was REALLY hard. It seems this age is a slap in the face of the life I did not work so hard to achieve.
I agree Michelle. How can you make a different life when you are financially burnt out because of the one you were trying to create. Because of what I was trying to create I have effectively put myself 20 years behind. It will be a long time before I can think of weekends away let alone holidays. I recently had to stop my study because I just simply couldn’t afford it. My goal now is just to keep a roof over my head and anything beyond that is a bonus. I turn 45 in a few weeks and I hate it. Although I ‘knew’ there wouldn’t be children I know definitely now there will be no miracle. Being 45, single and childless with limited finances is certainly not what I dreamed of nor would i wish it on any one.
Once the baby door was closed nothing really changed. We already were taking breaks from the baby journey and would go on nice vacations. Now it is two vacations a year but other than that our lives moved along to the path that is parallel to a childfull life to the life without child path there were no major changes to what we did and how we did them.
Yes – I relate to most of these posts in that it was a change in thinking and attitude rather than any physical change. I felt for many years i needed to do something great or achieve something. I am truly content to just find some peace in myselff – and begin to value myself as me. Its starting to feel better not constantly thinking we cannot spend anything just in case we get the chance of another IVF or to keep putting money aside for it. We are socialising more and going out for meals and I think we will get on with maintenance changes to the house and perhaps have an extension that we would not have affored had the IVF worked. We don’t need an extension to the house with just the two of us but we want a big kitchen so why not. I’m happy in the meantime being extravagent with myself – hairdressers, manicures and clothes. Its a daily reminder to self though not to feel pressure to do something more exciting than just go to work Mon-Friday. Over the years though with repeated IVF failures I have ventured towards retraining and changing jobs – none of them worked out and I am back as a personal assistant at age 47 just where I started at 17! I do believe its enough and don’t think too much about other lifestyles, although I confess to dreaming of a year in the Alpes in a ski resort – i think this is normal dreaming – with or without children! I have just booked a girls break away to Spain for 4 days – this will be first time travelling without hubby in 22 years – I guess this is something I wouldn’t want to do had the family come along. Looking forward to shopping, prosecco and reading Lisa’s books!
I can totally relate to this post. I have just started to embrace our new “reality”. I think at some point- not sure when- I started to see that there are positives to this new life. I am not stressed. I am not exhausted. I can go to dinner or see a movie or even travel on a whim. My husband and I are definitely traveling alot and we wouldnt be going anywhere if we had kids. I think we take trips as an escape sometimes- but it works. I have found a new peace and acceptance now that I didnt have before. I still get teary eyed on occasions but that is getting fewer and fewer. I try to be selfish and self indulgent and that works to break in this new life (the life I had no idea I would end up with) and that softens the blow. Each year gets easier. If someone implies you are selfish- realize they are just jealous. I mean- it is tough to be so different from everyone else but there are positives. We spend money on ourselves and really don’t stress over money. If we run out of money- we will just make more. 😉