By Lisa Manterfield
I’ve run this post several times over the years, but it remains one of the hottest topics and the question I’m most often often asked. If you’ve been a reader for while, think of this as a chance to look back and see how far you’ve come.
The question is: is it possible to ever get over being unable to have children?
I can’t see far enough ahead to know for sure if infertility and being childless is something I will ever “get over,” but based on another life-changing experience, here’s what I think:
When I was 15, my dad passed away suddenly and everything changed for me. I remember feeling immediately alienated from the other kids in school because I was no longer like them. I felt as if everyone was staring at me to see how I behaved, to see what someone with a dead dad looked like. People didn’t know what to say me, so many just said nothing. Several adults said variations of “This will make you grow up quickly” so I took them at their word and forged a new grown-up path.
For many years, my dad’s death defined me and I saw everything in my life through that filter. I felt angry and rebelled against people who had living parents, especially if they didn’t appreciate them. Unexpected things would trigger my grief and those old emotions would come at me from nowhere.
Over time, this eased. I went about my life and slowly, the fact that I didn’t have a dad no longer factored in. The trigger situations became less frequent and I thought about his death less and less.
It’s now been 30 years since he passed away. His death no longer directly colors my life. It is something I experienced a long time ago and found my way through. I think about him sometimes, but mostly with fondness and only occasionally do I think about the traumatic time around his death.
I have never forgotten my dad, nor will I ever forget him. His memory and my loss are woven into the fabric of my being, but don’t identify me as someone who has lost. I can say that I am “over” the loss of my dad, but I will never forget that he’s no longer here.
So, now if I go back over this story and replace the loss of my father with the loss of the children I never had, I imagine the story will unfold in much the same way. I’m already on the road to healing. Situations that cause my grief to flare up are very rare these days and the traumatic period of my life is blending into my library of memories. I am well on the way to being “over” infertility and the loss I experienced because of it, but it will always be a part of who I am and I don’t expect I will ever forget.
You are correct you never get over being childless because we live in a world surrounded by parents and children. It does get easier but never goes away.
We have been married 38 years and have no family members close to us. We have tried moving close to family members but it wasnt home to us and fincially good. Thus we had to move back.
We found it common after retirement for childless retirees to move around to find their “fit”
Now people our age are getting grandkids (Just another dagger in our childless world) so we are trying to find activities to fill our retirement life.
Plus we find our worries different from others. What will happen to us? Who do we have to help us? Will Nieces/Nephews we dont see continually have our best interest at heart?
Guess you can say we have gone from TTC and learning to cope to Trying to survive.
I feel the same way. We have known for nine years that we are unable to have kids, and we are slowly moving on. I still avoid baby showers when I can, but I no longer burst into tears when people tell me they are pregnant or on movies or shows, etc. Like you, there is some alienation amongst my peers, but I’m finding more and more that I enjoy my time and my own activities or hobbies. I’ve slowly embraced this life. We even just got back from Disney World (a trip we LONG avoided and had never been on before) and found ourselves saying, I would NEVER bring a child with us here. It’s too much fun for adults. Kids would ruin this! My point is, while we know we’ve missed out on so much, it no longer holds us back or corners us in and we are finally starting to move forward and enjoy life and traveling!
I have been to Disney World twice and had an amazing time each time. I know beyond a doubt I had a much better time than all the mothers there I saw with thier crying children. I got to ride all the rides I wanted to go on and never had to sit in a hotel room while my over exhausted child had to take a nap because they were so cranky from running wild through the park. Always trying to keep gratitude alive and well.
Interesting food for thought Lisa,
For me it’s the opposite way round, it’s 14 yrs since we stopped trying for children, 10 since my Mum died and less than 2 for my Dad.
You’ve made me think & I would say that I’ve ‘got over’ not being able to have children. I have a very fulfilling life, doing many things that I couldn’t or wouldn’t do if we had children.
I am rarely triggered now and if I am it brings up feelings of regret more than the grief I used to feel.
And, like you, it will always be part of me.
I find that there are days/ times when acceptance seems to be present.. Unfortunately I do find that there are triggers that occur often. Holidays, summer vacations where families are everywhere I would have chosen to be and new mom/ celebrations are everywhere. For me, this is the hardest part… the fact that I cannot just move on and live in a world with other childless people. It feels like the scab gets pulled off so often that I am truly unable to heal.
I am moving to a town in Colorado that has a Meet Up group of child free women, can’t wait to meet these ladies. Maybe see if you have one in your area.
In looking back over my life, I feel that my life is a highway… A journey with no final destination, no stopping point. I don’t believe I’ve gotten over any of the painful things in my life…. It’s always there under the surface, I’ve just learned to no longer let it consume my life. Both my parents are gone now, and although I don’t cry about it every day, and feel horribly sad every moment, when I stop to reflect on it, my heart still has the twinge of sadness. I don’t believe I will ever be completely over being childless. There are good days and not so good days…. But I can say I have way more good days and am able to no longer let it consume me.
I can’t say I’ve gotten over it, I have learned to live with it. I hadn’t totally given up hope in my 40’s. After menopause (at 51) I said, “well, I guess I can stop hoping”
Sometimes I’m fine without kids and other times, I’m overcome with sadness. I’m now 58 and the next generation is having kids. My niece had a baby last year and it was really hard for me to be around her while she was pregnant. I didn’t go to her shower. I embraced my new little niece when she was born. Being with the babies can feel really nice sometimes because they are bundles of pure love. When I focus on the sweet little “family” and never getting the opportunity to raise a child I start to spiral down, longing for what I didn’t get to have and grieving the 3 miscarriages and divorce.
I find it really has to do with how happy I am with my own life. When my own life is working and I’m connecting with others in fun and healthy ways, I’m ok. Actually, I’m better than ok, I’m happy and at peace. When I’m struggling with things in my life that aren’t working out in a way that makes me happy, every loss and heartache seems to come back with a vengeance. Those days I need to be extra kind and gentle with myself.
Aging without kids is a concern but I really try not to project into the future. I know I have to plan but right now, I need to learn how to live more fully again. I need to embrace life and go for what I want.
I’ve had a lot of loss and trauma in my life that I have learned to accept and live with. I can’t deny my pain, but I can choose how I want feel by focusing on the things that bring me joy.
I will never get over being childless, in fact it has gotten worse. I try everyday to find something to look forward, but I would have like to have know about the Global Sisterhood Summit in Vancouver a few weeks ago. I think being able to talk and spend time with other women who understand how I feel would have been of great help. I don’t remember any information about the Summit being posted on this website, so if anyone knows where to find that information in the future, if it could be posted for all of us, I would appreciate it.
There are opportunities to interact with other women via Jody Day’s online community – http://www.gateway-women.com/community, which is similar to the online community offered here on LWB. On Gateway Women, you can also find local groups to meet in person with other women in similar circumstances – http://www.gateway-women.com/meetup. The website is worth taking a look at if you’ve not come across it before as you might find something helpful.
I’m now almost 13 years on from the day I knew I’d never have children. And yes, I can say I have got over being childless not by choice. I wrote a post a while ago about what “getting over it” means. I don’t think it means what a lot of people think it means – we assume at the worst that it means forgetting. But I think it means we can live, and live well, yet at the same time remembering.
It’s part of me, but yes, there might be moments that I regret or feel a little sad or feel hurt by assumptions or comments, though these get less and less. Regret happens in life. I might regret various career decisions, or what I studied in university. My mother-in-law regrets that she never went to university. Parents regret decisions made about their children, or that their children did X or Y. I think that life without regret doesn’t exist! And feeling regret or sadness occasionally doesn’t mean we aren’t healed.
Thanks Mali – good point of view, your last comment “feeling regret or sadness occasionally doesn’t mean we aren’t healed”. It makes me realise that expecting to never feel sadness is perhaps an unrealistic measure of healing. I feel I’m doing a little better than I thought 🙂
Hhm, this really had me thinking. When I think of my dad (gone 10yrs last month), I feel a mellow sadness, though still pretty much always good feelings/memories since we did expect it but it was still much sooner than anticipated.
Thinking about our infertility (16yrs since we stopped) makes me frustrated. I have learnt to live with it. Most days are alright but when I get reminded, it still stings, so much more. Maybe because the reminders are continual, not every day, but still too often; maybe menopause breathing down my neck is bolstering my reaction.
Know what you mean Kathryn – the triggers are everywhere and reignite feelings continually. They last the entire time you are TTC (17 years) and even when you are trying to let go and move on (2 years). I too think my reactions last year and early part of this year were due to menopause on the horizon. And just like TTC, you are kept in a limbo stage forever. I started getting very definite hot flushes on and off throughout the day for about three weeks, I thought ok I’m ready, just stop with the periods and I can stop dreaming of miracles (at age 48)! My periods have now resumed the 3 or 4 week cycle I have been stuck in for 4 years! You just can’t win……… at least give me longer between periods ahhhh
Hi,
I know the Gateway meetings are scheduled in Tucson and Sedona but I live in Phoenix, AZ and there has to be other women out in Phx!?