By Lisa Manterfield
I absolutely love this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.
The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.
The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.
I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.
I wish I could get my family to read this and do it. Just went to a family party this weekend. Have been feeling so good, I went into it thinking it would be fun. My nephew’s wife is having twins and I knew she would talk about it but I thought, if it was me, I would do the same so it’s OK. Everyone there has children, including 1 who had twins through IVF. All talk was on the pregnancy, childbirth, and childraising, especially raising twins, from both men and women. I kept leaving the room to find another conversation to get away from it but there wasn’t much other talk. My husband was actually upset by it, and told me he sat by myself and buried his head in his iphone. My sister kept offering my help to the prospective parents and would laugh. The next day, my husband asked why she kept doing that; I have no idea. The good news is, I didn’t cry driving home and wasn’t devastated, I just thought about it the next day as weird and how difficult it is to socialize with people other than my husband. Glad I could come here to vent.
This sounds like the kind of situation I would hate, but it’s a good sign that you came away just thinking it was weird. The more time that passes, I feel less upset about these events, just frustrated and bored with how one-track-minded and exclusive people with kids can be. I’ve been pondering how to behave in these situations. I used to be very self-conscious (as a childless woman) about looking like someone who ‘rejects’ / hates children, so I would try to look super-enthusiastic. But I think I’ll take a leaf out of your husband’s book and get my phone out next time. Although I’m not demeaning his experience: to hear he was unhappy is an awful thing; I just thing that’s what the situation deserves. Hugs to both.
That article is a classic. 🙂
I love that article. When my father died, I remember an incident along the lines of the “it’s not just about you” example in the article, except it was aimed at my mother. The person just didn’t get it. It’s Grieving 101.