By Lisa Manterfield
One of the big changes I’ve seen since starting this site is that the topics of infertility and childlessness are being brought out from behind closed doors and are being discussed in more public forums.
Whereas once I felt as if I was the only person talking openly about this, I’ve since found an incredible network of fellow bloggers and authors writing very intimately about their stories. I’ve also received several requests to complete surveys from researchers who are exploring the effects and issues of unplanned childlessness.
In your corner of the world, you may still be feeling that NO ONE is talking about this, that no one understands what you’re going through, and even your closest confidants don’t want to talk about it. Sadly, I think this is still true for most of us. But the tide is turning, and the more we talk about this topic and the more we venture out and start these conversations, the less taboo it will become.
Even if you’re not ready (or feel as if you will never be ready) to start your own campaign for understanding, you’re already part of this quiet revolution. You’re here, you’re talking about your experience with others, you’re sharing comfort and encouraging other readers. Even if you’re doing all of this anonymously and even if you’re coming here in secret to contribute to these conversations, you are part of the change that’s coming.
This issue is never going to go away, in fact I believe that our segment of the population will only continue to grow (but that’s another post for another day), but perhaps in the future, our sisters who need help will be able to pick up a leaflet from their doctors or walk into a local support group or sit down with a friend over coffee and feel comfortable talking openly about what it feels to not to have the children you wanted.
It is pretty amazing how integrated and supportive our collection of voices has become …. the harmony and the impact in a word: beautiful.
Just being able to share my experience on this site has been a total mini-revolution for me. I have begun to behave very differently with others whenever the topic of children comes up. I either make a joke about it (I’ve used several replies from the book “Life Without Baby – my personal favorite when asked whether I have kids is “No, we have white furniture”. Lol), or I speak about it matter of factly whether my partner in the conversation is comfortable with it or not. Because it’s part of who I am, part of my story. And yes it’s a heartbreaking one, but a lot of good has come out of it too – I’ve become a stronger person, and I’m proud of that.
And I think that’s how we all become a significant part of this quiet revolution. Sites like this give us the forum to start discussing, sharing, talking, and once we know it’s ok to do so, once we realize we’re not alone, we can take it beyond the site. And slowly but surely we make a difference in how this issue is viewed and how WE are viewed. It’s a beautiful thing.
I think that I am at a point where I would like to address it in a more public forum. Especially, when I see something that bothers me. My only problem is my husband doesn’t seem to want me to really acknowledge it. Like if I see a story or blog (mostly here) that I really think is important and want to share, my husband’s like I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t really understand it. Everyone knows we don’t have children (4 legged ones aside). Why is he still hesitate to make that statement?
Thanks Lisa – excellent post, so reassuring to feel that even if we are still isolated in our immediate circle – we are contributing to the change and raising awareness between us and it will ripple out. This site has been so liberating for me – I finally realised my thoughts and feelings were just. This is a major loss and starts with us recognising that. Helping each other makes such a difference.
Thank you
A big THANK YOU to all the pioneer bloggers overseas who have done such an amazing work! I am grateful to be able to read English, since there is not much of all this available in my mother tongue.
You may not be aware of it, but in the U.S., you are actually several steps ahead of us in continental Europe. And it is all thanks to you, brave ladies! Well done!
The tide is definitely turning… I am coming up to 9 years (!!) since I started my blog. There were so few of us around at that time — Pamela being a notable exception. 🙂 You & “Life Without Baby” have been an important part of the change that’s been happening since then, Lisa, and I am so heartened & thrilled to see more & more thoughtful voices speaking out on this important issue.
We may not be marching on the streets demanding recognition (When do we want it? Now!), but I think we’re personally making differences, speaking up, and raising awareness in our own communities in real life and in all our online spaces. I’ve seen this since 2001, when I was first involved in online support groups for pregnancy loss, and now this online blogging community, where the members speak out publicly, and so articulately.
I’m so proud to be a small part of this.