By Lisa Manterfield
Photo courtesy: Clemens v. Vogelsang
It’s Thanksgiving here in the U.S. this week. For many of you, that’s going to mean spending a long day, perhaps a long weekend, with people who care about you, but perhaps don’t really understand what you’ve been through or what you’re going through still. It can make for a lot of unintentionally hurtful comments, strained emotions, and reignited grief.
This year, we have post-election fatigue to throw into the mix. No matter your political affiliations, I think it’s safe to say that most of us have been completely worn out by this year’s election horror show. I certainly reached a point where I didn’t even want to hear from the people I agreed with, never mind the opposing sides.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been hibernating from the news and social media, needing a post-election detox. Consequently, I’m sleeping more restfully, spending more enjoyable time with Mr. Fab, and my brain is starting to function with clarity again. In sitting down to write this post, I also realize that I haven’t had any of the weird headaches I’ve been experiencing for the previous month or so.
I’m aware that this seems like I’m sticking my head in the sand, but I prefer to call it self-care, putting my own needs first for a while, so that I can regain enough mental strength to keep moving forward.
I also believe that self-care is one of the most important tools for making it through the upcoming holiday season, especially if your grief is still raw. But even if you’ve been making progress, the holidays can be a breeding ground for tactless comments, reminders of loss, and emotional triggers galore!
So, here are a few suggestions that have helped me navigate the holidays over the years:
Say no to difficult events. If you know a gathering will be problematic, make an excuse and don’t go. You may have some guilt about it, but that will pass, and you’ll end up much better off emotionally than if you go and end up upset. If you’re in the early stages of grief, take a year off from the holidays. Seriously. The holidays will be back next year, and they’ll get progressively easier to deal with.
Have an escape plan. If you do go to a gathering that might be difficult, have an escape plan. That might be as simple as borrowing the host’s dog and going for a long walk or volunteering to be the person to run to the store for last-minute ingredients. A little time alone is like a mini detox, so you can gather yourself together before facing people again.
Use this community. I promise you, you won’t be the only person looking for an understanding ear over the holidays. Use the community and connect with someone who know what you’re going through and can offer support and encouragement.
Plan some post-celebration self-care. Know in advance how you’ll take care of yourself after the event. Go home and take a long, quiet bath, or a long walk, or plan to do something with someone whose time you enjoy. If you can, schedule a post-Thanksgiving detox day.
If you need more ideas for getting through the holidays, we have several resources available. There’s an entire chapter on navigating the holidays in both Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen and Life Without Baby Workbook 3: Dealing With the Day-to-Day Challenges, and a book full of inspiration and tips in Life Without Baby Holiday Companion. You can also get a free copy of Dealing With Social Landmines when you subscribe to the newsletter, and if you’re already a subscriber, you should have received a refresher via email. Finally, here’s the link to the community forums, where you’ll already find several holiday and family-related threads going.
Please take advantage of these resources and this community and make sure you have a happy Thanksgiving. –x-
I wish I could escape the holidays @ times but my husband has kids and grandkids and therefore loves the holidays. He doesn’t understand or remember the pain/hurt that the holidays trigger for me. I love my husband and life with him but these feelings/the holidays make me wonder what it would be like to be marrried to someone without kids. I wish I could remind him but I cry and carry on and feel like a blubbering idiot so I just “suck it up”. I try to remember the holidays are not about me but about others and Christ’s birth.
Julie, I feel for you and can relate in many ways. My husband has a grown-up daughter with one child and a second due in a few months. I have no children of my own. I was interested in having children but due to various factors, including my husband being older than me and not wanting more kids, it never happened for me. Sometimes I struggle with my feelings of grief and cannot reconcile my feelings around him having a daughter and grandkid(s) and me having none. Sometimes I wonder if things would be easier if neither one of us had kids. I feel fortunate that we spend the holidays with my family of origin since his daughter lives far away.
The feelings that come up are difficult, I love my husband and want him to be happy, but I also want him to take the time to acknowledge my feelings and try to understand my grief. I am thankful that as a result of working with a therapist we seem to be having some success with discussing these feelings and connecting over them. In the past, when this subject matter came up, it would often become charged.
Julie, sending big hugs and understanding your way, especially during this difficult holiday season.
Thank you Kate!
How about prayer for those of us who have faith in God?
As a Christian, when I am faced with having to attend a family gathering, I invite my Lord and Savior, Jesus, to come with me, to be my shield and source of comfort. Despite what the DiVinci Code claims, Jesus did not have biological children, so he understands the excruciating pain and grief of childlessness. There have been so many times I have been terrified before entering a room full of relatives and kids, only to laugh later at how well things turned out because my best Friend came with me.
So true, Dorothy; Jesus is our Dearest Friend who understands pain.
I used to dread Christmas with all the images of mother and child. Just another painful reminder of what I would never be.
Then I realized Christmas is ultimately about the cross (and Resurrection). It is not about motherhood.
The love of that Friend never leaves our sides!
Hugs from across the miles to you!
Hugs to you, too! So glad you survived the trial of faith that childlessness presents and kept your eyes of faith firmly fixed on the true Gift of Love who surpasses all that this world has to offer. Hope you have a blessed and happy Thanksgiving.
I never thought about the fact that Jesus was childless. This statement really comforted me. Thank you for that insight. Hope you all have a blessed holiday.
May the love of the Holy Spirit dwell with you in a special way this holiday season. You deserve it because, like all of humanity, your life is sacred whether or not you have children.