As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
“I’m so glad that I found Life Without Baby,” Darla wrote when she sent in her story for this column. “I have felt so alone in my pain for far too long, and it’s good to know that there are others like me and we have a place to share our stories.”
Yes! That’s why we do this, so that we can heal ourselves through the sharing of our experiences and support each other as we grieve our losses and find inspiration for moving forward with new life plans.
Darla was diagnosed in her mid-thirties with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), the cause of her infertility. Now 53, she is still working through the grief of being childfree, although she feels she’s reached a turning point.
After you read about Darla, I hope you’ll add your words of commiseration and encouragement in the Comments. Then, won’t you please share your story with us? Information on how to submit your answers to the “Our Stories” questionnaire appear below.
LWB: Describe your dream of motherhood.
Darla: When I was sixteen I embroidered two little baby shirts (I still have them). I knew at that young age that I wanted to be a mother. I made no career plans, didn’t plan for higher education, I just wanted to be somebody’s Mom.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now? (for example: still in denial, angry, hoping for a miracle, depressed, crawling toward acceptance, embracing Plan B)
Darla: ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!!!
LWB: What was the turning point for you?
Darla: The turning point is now. I have suffered from insomnia and anxiety for many years, and I think there is a connection with the grief I’ve been suppressing for so long. It’s time to seek help, connect with others who know what I’m feeling, and move on and find joy in other adventures.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Darla: Christmastime is hard for me. When I hear the lyric “Every mother’s child is gonna spy…,” it brings tears to my eyes because I will never know that joy. I have no one to pass my traditions on to. No one will be heir to the things I love.
LWB: What’s the best advice you’ve received?
Darla: Your loss is very real. Seek help and let yourself grieve.
LWB: What’s one thing you want other people to know about your being childfree?
Darla: If you have children, don’t tell me how wonderful it is and how much I’m missing; I’m well aware of what I’m missing. Also, don’t tell me you understand my pain—you can’t know. My mother actually told me that she understands what it feels like to be childless. Really? She has three children. I know she is just trying to empathize, but she can’t know the pain I feel.
LWB: What do you look forward to now?
Darla: I’m hoping to travel. There is so much I still want to see, so many new places to discover. There’s more time behind than ahead, and I want to make the best of it.
LWB: What is your hope for yourself this coming year?
Darla: I’ve waited too long to grieve my loss. I hope to heal the pain and move on. It’s time.
Where are you on your journey? Are your wounds raw? Have you made some progress toward accepting a life without children? We can all benefit from hearing about your experiences, plus we’d like to support you. Please visit the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire, and consider sharing your story with women who truly understand what you’re going through.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Traveling is our Plan B. We take to vacations a year. One big one, one small one.
People who tell me they are jealous of our travels get the response, “I’m jealous you got to have kids.”
We have been to some pretty amazing places, and have a nice long list of places to go. Would I rather have kids, YES! But I don’t, and this is the life I do have and I’m going to live it.
Do I still grieve? YES! Had a breakdown over Christmas. First one in a long time. It comes in waves. Cry, yell, have your fit, and then pick up the pieces and keep moving.
Great advice Kara – your last para resonates.
Kara, your comment is awesome and very much appreciated by me. I will keep that one-liner in my back pocket because I get pretty sick of people with children telling me that they’re jealous of me. The grief does come in waves, but I am moving forward in my life too. Would I rather have kids? Honestly, yes. But, like you said, “I don’t, and this is the life I do have and I’m going to live it.” Yesss!!! 🙂
Thank you Kara for your response. Yes, Christmas was tough for me too this year. I decorated, baked cookies, wrapped the gifts with pretty bows and felt the loss deeply of being childless. I had my cry and then promised myself that this year we are going to go away for Christmas – the present will be a trip to a new destination. Like you, it comes in waves, but then I pick up the pieces and move on.
Dear Darla – thank you so much for sharing, I identified so much with what you say here, particularly identify with your comments about your mum – yes they are trying to help but they cannot possibly understand (I’ve harboured a lot of anger and frustration towards her for a long time due to this complete lack of understanding). Coming to the realisation that seeking support from people at LWB is what truly has helped me. I have embraced our life more this past year and enjoyed the ski trips we have, there are not many days that go by when I don’t wonder where my children are though and why I’m not mum to someone (I’m still tormented at times with vivid dreams), but now I crowd my mind as soon as I wake with all the positive things coming up and the dreams fade quite quickly. It sweeps over me a lot at work too with so many “office chats/announcements/stories” – I try to busy myself – sometimes though I feel really sad for myself and maybe shed a tear. Then back to – “we did everything we could and more” and gradually this gets easier. Grieving is the best advice ever and is the only way to allowing the good things back in. I’ve had my story on my laptop for submission for 18 months! I think its the final step to acknowledging that the journey to become a mother is over – its a brave step and one I want to make too. Thank you again, Jane
Thank you for sharing with me, so deeply appreciated. Holidays are the worst time for me – used to love them and now thankful when they are over. This year my mother bought a number of baby clothes for my nephews baby that is due this spring. She asked me to come over and help her wrap the gifts. That was a tough one. She would hold up the beautiful little outfits and coo and I just wanted to cry. I got through it, went home and had a good cry and moved on. Like you I still sometimes have dreams of holding a little one of my own. I still have my monthly cycle and wish they would end soon. They are a monthly reminder of what could have been. I think once the menopause kicks in for good it will be easier. At least I hope so. I’m so greatful that we have a place to share our stories. Blessings to you!
dear Darla,
thank you for sharing your story with us. Wishing you all the best for the future! And lots of amazing travelling!
lots of love from sLOVEnia,
Klara
Christmastime is my most difficult time as well. As a child, I have such wonderful memories of decorating the house and baking. My husband doesn’t have the same memories and as a result hates the season. Last year I didn’t even bother creating a festive home just for myself. It breaks my heart I that I will not get to pass along my favourite traditions.
Thank you for sharing your story.