By Lisa Manterfield
I do hope this isn’t simply a factor of aging, but lately I seem to have lost my ability to keep track of time. I was always so good at remembering things like how many years ago we visited such-and-such a place, or where we spent Christmas four years ago. But the last several years of my life have suddenly blurred into one big event. I can no longer accurately mark time.
Over lunch with a friend recently, we talked about her daughter and both expressed shock that she is already 16. How the years fly! We talked about another friend who has since moved away and how vividly we remember going to see her new baby so many years ago. I realized that I have no idea how old this little boy is now. I guessed he was probably somewhere around 10 or 12, but my friend knew exactly. “He’s two years younger than my daughter. He’ll be 14 in March.” I felt guilty that I didn’t remember that.
Walking home after lunch, it dawned on me that my time amnesia might have a lot to do with not having children. My friend is reminded on a daily basis of how old her children are. She marks the passing of time with birthday parties, school grades, and childhood milestones. She knows how long ago something happened, because she knows how old her kids were, or what grade they were in at the time. She knows how old our friend’s son is because she remembers where she was on her motherhood path when our friend was pregnant. I don’t have that marker and so I have to try to fill in the gaps with other events, or news headlines to mark time in my memory. But unless something significant happened, I don’t have those milestones to grasp onto.
Without children to mark time and propel my life forward, I can see how easy it could be to drift through the years. Children create milestones and new direction and, while I’m not in any danger of falling into a rut yet, I can see how easily my life could lose direction.
Maybe I’ve just hit by a patch of melancholy again, so does anyone else see this? Do any of you feel as if your life is drifting by?
I feel my life is drifting away everyday. I feel most of the time I just go through the motions. Not only can I not mark time with my child’s milestone, but I won’t have those milestones with grandchildren.
I find it almost impossible these days to remember the length of time that’s passed since events, etc. What year did we do x, y, z? I definitely think it would be much easier to pinpoint things with children and their milestones. It just seems like I’m getting older, that’s it.
I enjoyed your post. I’d say time does move differently without children, but for me personally I don’t feel it moves faster. Some parents I know are so busy with birthdays, soccer practice, swim lessons, and so on that their lives are constantly a blur.
Thank you for this post. It is one of the areas within the NoMo life that I’ve been very aware of, but for which I’ve not had words or solutions. You have touched on something that feels so deep and valuable here.
Not only are the milestones of children’s lives not in my life, but even major holidays are greatly reduced and tend to move by without providing much of an annual anchor. While trying to avoid getting mired in angst or depression that the holidays can bring, I tend to surf over them, barely show up for them and mostly ignore them doing only what is required by familial duty because I feel anything by celebratory. I don’t feel the motivation to decorate for holidays (I had always looked forward to doing those activities with my own children), so many of the events are aimed at children and that currently hurts to see families enjoying themselves, so I avoid them.
I also do not work in a situation where professional milestones are marked. I am a self-employed postpartum doula, so no company recognition, no annual parties (for which I am grateful), no Holiday bonuses. I do think that the ritualized moments to stop and mark life and celebrate accomplishments is something humans need and I feel the lack of it. I know I could create my own, make some up for myself, or make a bigger deal of my birthday, but that is not the same as those that are part of the bigger community.
I also think that life without children means we aren’t constantly reminded how much older we are. And I take that as a positive! I have a sister and friends who are grandmothers. Now that would make me feel really old!
I have friends with kids who can’t remember major events and milestones either. Or who confuse things that happened with one child with another, and so their clock is thrown out. And let’s be fair – they only remember other people’s events in relation to their own. It takes twice the effort to remember someone’s events/age etc if we don’t have something to directly relate it against.
Melancholy is understandable at times. Yes, I’ve felt in the last year or two that life is drifting by a little – but life events that take control (elderly relatives/deaths/accidents/ etc) can make us feel out of control. Or that’s how I see it.
I also expect the big M might have something to do with both the melancholy, and the memory. (It definitely has something to do with memory, and that’s a feature whether you have kids or not.) Also – the older we get, the faster time goes. In the scheme of things, 16 years goes by in a flash!
Hmmm. I’ve had a post brewing for a long time, and I think you may be prompting me to write it. I’ll come back here and let you know when I’ve done it!
I know what you mean, Lisa. I’ve found it even harder to keep track of time since I haven’t been working. The days & weeks & months just rush on by & suddenly another whole year has passed! Sometimes I do feel like my life is just sort of drifting by, and what did I accomplish??
I do think there are a lot of parents who feel this way too, though, to be fair — and I think aging has a lot to do with it. But I agree with you on the lack of milestones as a non-parent that make it more difficult to mark the passage of time. One thing that helps me remember certain events is to go through & check my photo albums. It’s sometimes the only way I can pinpoint exactly when certain events took place. Thank goodness I take lots of photos!
I’ve never had a good handle on time, or the marking of it’s passing… I’ve always been drifting. Someday I’m going to look up and realize I got really OLD and I’ll have no clue how I got there…
You are so right .. other than a first couple of years i got married .. everything else after that is just a blur .. it’s wierd not knowing what year something significant happened … sigh .. so interesting to think about actually