Well, here we are in 2017, and I think it’s safe to say that most of us are ready to see the back of last year. Between political craziness, the loss of too many creative icons, and a general feeling of uneasiness in the world, I’m ready for a fresh start.
I do love the New Year for the potential it brings in terms of a clean slate and the chance to make big changes. And yet, in the past, I’ve ended up putting pressure on myself to fix all the things that are wrong with me. My goals have included losing weight, exercising more, doing a better job of keeping in touch with people, and on and on—a long list of things I’m doing wrong.
But a couple of years ago, I started to change my outlook. Instead of treating myself like something broken that needed fixing, I began looking for my potential and making progress with the things I’m doing right. I wrote a post about it last year, Looking for Potential. Do take a look as I think you’ll find it a kinder, gentler way of approaching the New Year.
So, as we go into this year, I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself, too. Instead of trying to fix a laundry list of shortcomings, perhaps you could look for where you’ve made progress over the last year and focus your energy there.
For example, let’s say you have a friend who you’ve avoided because her children are the same ages yours would have been and you can’t bear to see her. Maybe you ran into her last year and realized you’ve missed her company. Could you set a goal to reach out to her, give her a call or send a quick email note, maybe broach the topic of getting together?
Or perhaps you’ve been reading this blog for a while or working your way through my, or someone else’s, book and you’ve hit a spot where you feel stuck. Maybe a goal would be to find a therapist, counsellor, or support group and get some additional help.
This healing process takes time. Oh, man, does it take time! But progress is made by inching forward a little at a time. So, don’t try to take giant steps forward. Instead, be kind to yourself and take the tiniest, most doable step possible, something you can actually accomplish and feel good about.
How could you inch forward on your journey this year? What’s the smallest, no-sweat step you could take? Let us know in the comments, and if you need a little encouragement to take it, just ask.
For now, I wish for you a genuinely happy new year.
I’m going to inch towards being kinder to myself. The friends I know that went through infertility and quite before we did, got pregnant on their own. I have felt for years that I am crused, or don’t deserve children or happiness. Logically, I know this isn’t true but in the back of my mind, those feelings are always with me. This year I am going to try and not compare myself to others, and try not to feel like others’ lives are better and happier than mine because of children. I pray that this year I will find happiness, and gratitude for what I do have.
Sherry,
I love the idea of “inching towards being kinder to myself.” I think I could inch that way too.
I am really getting desperate around this idea of finding therapy/counselling. I have now seen at least 4 therapists since infertility and none of them could actually help me. One just diverted the conversation to other things, one simply told me I’d have to wait, be patient and find a new partner, one just wasn’t available, one started the counselling doubting he could help me because he was a man and after 6 months he told me to find a new partner and we both decided that he couldn’t help me. I’ve been seeing a woman therapist now for half a year which means something like 5 or 6 counselling session, which really isn’t that much, and she’s told me last time she can’t really help me. I’m just fed up with this.
Have you tried searching for a therapist that specializes in infertility. My advice
A while back, when I was considering counseling to deal with all this, I contacted a therapist that focused on the issue of childlessness. She, herself, was childless. My sense is that she might have emphasized a spiritual (not religious) approach. She was in the U.S., but I believe held some form of online counseling (maybe skype?). I just tried to search for her name and can’t recall it. I am pretty sure I saw her name first mentioned here. I’m wondering if Lisa or others know who I am talking about.
IrisD23,
Was it Kani Comstock? Her site is Missed Motherhood. http://www.missedmotherhood.com She offers coaching, etc.
I think so, Lisa! Thanks!
Thsnks for this little post. Youve just taught me to focus on my progress. Rather than my shortcomings. Im constantly focused on whats wrong with me, what needs to be fixed. Putting no attention to what Ive overcome, and have grown from.
I have to say its certainly not easy but I’ll have to push harder.
I am going through a hard time but I will keep you in my prayers. Much love ♥