By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
In an interview I did recently, a woman shared with me what she went through when she faced 40, single and childfree. “I had to reassess my situation and consider the fact that perhaps it wasn’t in the cards for me to have a child after all,” she said. At the time, she decided to switch careers and return to school to get her teaching credential. “I figured, well, that would be my connection to children and the next generation, and I was okay with that.”
I’m here to tell you I had a physical reaction to her comment. I mean, bully for her, but I would so not have been okay with that trade-off. Even after years of healing, I still can’t imagine feeling “okay” spending my days with other people’s children while grieving for the children I could never have.
But as we know from reading the stories on this site, every woman has her own unique experience of grieving, and every woman has her own unique journey to healing. I think it’s remarkable that here, at Life Without Baby, we openly share our experiences and learn about options we hadn’t thought of for ourselves.
Join a Conversation
With that in mind, I took a tour around the Forum Discussions on our LWB Community page. Have you checked this out yet? What a remarkable source of information, inspiration, support, and compassion.
On this topic, you’ll find “Learning to be around children again” in which LWBers offer suggestions from volunteering in schools and instigating relationships with kids of friends. (One woman, a skilled figure skater, offered to teach her non-skating friend’s kids how to ice skate—love that!) In “You may think I’m crazy,” another woman shared how volunteering in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), holding and comforting babies, helped comfort her through her grief.
On the flip side, a Discussion titled “No interest in volunteering…thoughts?” asked “Does anyone just NOT want kids in their life?” That’s a conversation you’ll want to visit if you are fed up with people who keep telling you you’ll feel better if you’ll just focus your energy on nurturing other people’s kids.
There’s no right or wrong way to go about your healing, only what feels right to you. And to help you on your journey, I encourage you to scroll through the Discussions and contribute your thoughts—and take in the love and advice from other commenters. If you don’t find a conversation that speaks to what you need, start one!
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
I recently thought about what I could do if I end up childless, which in my mind is 90% likely at this point. I know that I want to perhaps volunteer, and I was reading up on volunteer organizations in my area. Part of me wants to avoid anything that has to do with working with kids, while part of me thinks maybe this could help me heal.
I used to work with kids in group homes and in behavioral health services and felt I had a knack for that. But now I just don’t know. When I hear about children in unfortunate circumstances, I want to ball my eyes out now, because I just want to rescue them all and fill my house with them. But, I can’t.
Right now my plan is to enjoy time with my young niece and nephew on occasion, and that’s as far as I want to go as far as interacting with children. If I end up in situations with them, it’s not like I’m going to hate it, I’m just not going to make it a normal part of my routine at this point. And frankly, other than my encounters with my neighbor’s little girl every once in a while or at a friends’ family-friendly cook-out, I don’t really encounter children too often these days in my day to day life, so that helps. But I personally don’t want to avoid children the rest of my life. It may hurt right now, but I want to move past that, this much I know.
Interesting. I think it depends in the type of person you are – I would be terrified at the thought of a classroom of children, though at the same time envy those who do it. I’ve just never felt confident or natural around children – with the exception of a few.
I also think that it depends where you are in your grieving/healing process. It’s much easier now to just enjoy children. But in those early days/years, every interaction was painful.
Thanks for sharing. I agree .. being around other people’s kids and even babysitting is just a slap in the face .. it reminds me of what i couldnt achieve on my own. I feel the same way about adoption .. just won’t be able to face it each day and a big obvious “you couldn’t produce!l sigh .. that person is brave for working with children.
I taught middle school and high school for many years, and now teach college. I also substituted elementary school a few times. I give a big round of applause to elementary school teachers. (I was not cut out for that.) I stopped teaching at 33 to go get my PhD, and at least up to age 33 I found that while I loved my students, and enjoyed teaching, having to deal with other things, i.e. discipline, day in and day out, was really exhausting. At that time, I could not imagine having to come home to deal with the less appealing (nitty gritty) aspects of parenting. I used to tease my older students (seniors) when they asked me why I did not have kids, that they were all poster children for birth control. I did not really get that deep urge to become a biological mother till my late 30s… so I don’t know how I would have felt about it had I remained a teacher.
I have been tutoring children ages 2 to 5 and from 1st grade to 5th grade for almost a year or more. I really enjoyed working with them, knowing they learned and listened to me, and even copied some of my gestures! Really cute !
Of course, I was well aware they were not my children and it was hard to detach from them at the end of the day, specially when the day was over and I got to my condo. I leave alone.
I heard to say that “our children don’t belong to us”. That I will never know, for sure.
I changed job last year and I still miss them, with all my heart. I want to go back to make a difference in their lives !
I am now in the stage of sadness, getting to the final “acceptance” soon. Hope to be healed some day !
As always, I keep you in my prayers