Often we feel pressure to do something incredible with our lives because we won’t be doing the other “incredible” thing: being mothers.
In the past it’s sparked some healthy discussion, so I thought I’d use it as this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic:
Feeling the pressure to do something else amazing instead
Let the healthy discussion begin!
Kara says
I was doing something incredible, teaching, but that was also taken away from me. I gave up on doing something incredible with my life after that.
Now I live my life, boring day to day life, with two amazing vacations a year stuck in. I live now for those vacations.
Misty says
Wishing you some sparkle in your day-to-day life.. a new hobby or group, perhaps?
Jennifer Smart says
I had to change my thinking. Now at work I think, “I’ve helped this many people today!”
Shonna says
Totally! I am turning 40 and wonder what I’m supposed to do now that kids is pretty much off the table. I have a boyfriend but getting married doesn’t seem exciting or meaningful either. I have a career I enjoy but it’s not exciting or meaningful. I travel a bit, I try new hobbies, but what else is there?!?!? I feel like I should do something grand but no idea what!
Allie says
This is exactly how i feel, like a whole i need to fill but not sure with what! Ive got a job i love, doing well in. A husband i love and who loves me. We travel loads, live in a great city and surrounded by godchildren and four nephews. But im constantly feeling like we need to do something more. Simethjng incredible. To off set the no children in our home, its driving my husband crazy and causing arguments. I feel there is a gap and he doesnt. Feeling sad, lost and alone
Shonna says
It’s so nice to have people that understand! I’ve been thinking more and more that it’s about me finding things and not relying on “us” so much. I’m supported and loved, but in searching for the ‘more’ I thought that giving back might be more meaningful than anything else. I’m looking for places to volunteer, it’s hard to narrow down than you’d think! I like old people so I’m looking into that. Other interests: planning travel is enjoyable, I’m taking a photography class, knitting too! Sounds old lady but I want my nieces and nephews you have handmade stockings from me. Without my own family I feel like it is more important to nurture relationships with life long friends and their children. You are lucky to have godchildren!
We have arguments too, mostly because I get angry in general. It could be at a commercial that leaves me out (ie must be a mother or a wife to have any importance), something can just throw me into a downward spiral.
MC says
The reverse is just as whine worthy…I was quite proud of a project that went very well and then was “praised” by a new colleague. “That was amazing! Do you have kids? Of course you don’t-if you did you couldn’t have done such a good job”.
Heather says
Oh my gosh!! My first inclination is to say, “UNBELIEVABLE!!” – but I’ve been there, so it’s all too believable. I’m sorry that happened – and big CONGRATS on a job well done!!!
Analia says
While living in Miami I used to take Zumba classes, doing Boxing and Mix Martial Arts. I kept a healthy weight for a long time. I was proud of myself for such great effort. I was really in great shape to be 48 years old !
“You look great”– people used to tell me and then they added: …You don’t have kids, do you? or you just don’t want to ruin your body gaining weight, having stretch marks, ecc ? You know, that happens when you are pregnant.”
At that precise moment I was speechless…
Foxglove says
Well, why on earth wouldn’t we be extraordinary with all our free time, sleep, buckets of money, lack of responsibilities, and no real problems? Of course, let’s not forget since we don’t understand what real love is, we aren’t distracted by that either. Our selfishness and the giant egos we formed daring to want our own families sure must come in handy too. Anything less than perfection and we’re just being lazy and entitled.
Obvious sarcasm above. But in all seriousness, the pressure is real, and it seems to be hammered into us time and time again every time someone has to remind us that our lack of children does factor into more than just family size.
No matter what I accomplish or experience, not having kids somehow devalues it just a little.
Lose a parent? Well, at least you’re not grieving AND explaining death to a small child at the same time.
Get laid off? Why worry about your future? It’s not like you have to worry about the kids needs- it’s just the two of you!
Sacrifice and save for a trip? Nah it’s not saving or sacrifice, the money just appears from the lack of children we have.
Proud of the intricate quilt you just finished? Get over yourself, how hard could it have been without a toddler crawling in your lap or pulling at your fabric?
It’s exhausting, no wonder I spent so many years feeling like I was never doing enough and was a constant failure.
Shonna says
You are spot on! All of it, well said. I was once told that I must have so much money because I don’t have kids.
Misty says
Thought-provoking post!
Heather says
So, so – so – sadly true!!
robin says
I get to DO incredible things. I make art. I love a lot of what I do. I also hate lot of what I do. I think what I do has similarities to parenting; creation, teaching, letting it grow up and become something more than just what I put into it… And it’s not enough. But I don’t think ANYTHING is. And, I think EVERYTHING is. There’s a cognitive dissonance in my life that I’m not describing very well.
The amazing things I create will never be AMAZING enough. I have to keep pushing, learning, being better… That’s both motivating and frustrating. There’s always the need to make something bigger (or smaller), fancier, more nuanced, more meaningful, just more…!
But then there’s just day to day life and how truly f*ing incredible some of that can be. I hug my sweetie and dopamine fills my brain just touching him. I was walking thru snow along the shore of Lake Ontario, separated from the city by huge tree covered cliffs, and it was magical! I recently fell in love with avocados. Maybe THESE are the most INCREDIBLE THINGS in my life! I don’t have to BE incredible, just not miss the incredibleness around me…
And, maybe “incredible” is overrated.
Misty says
Nice – thanks for sharing 🙂
Amanda says
It’s just not fair .. wish there was no societal pressure