A friend of mine went through infertility hell a few years ago. When we learned of one another’s journeys, we were both glad to have an empathetic shoulder to lean on.
Then she became a mother, and developed infertility amnesia.
I’m not begrudging her the celebrations, the constant Facebook posts, or the incessant parenting talk. I get it; I’m sure I’d do the same in her situation. But the final straw came last week.
A group of us gets together about once a year and we’re starting to plan for this year. We usually go out for dinner, or bowling, or drinks and dancing. Several of us in the group don’t have children and those who do are always glad for a childfree night of adult fun.
This year, the new mom suggested we change things up and do something family-oriented and include the kids. “Maybe a beach picnic or Disneyland.” I kid you not.
Thankfully one of the other parents shot the idea down, but I had to wonder how she would have felt five years ago, in the thick of her infertility hell, if someone had made this same suggestion.
She would have felt excluded and she would have been upset. Which is just how I felt when I got her email.
Today is Whiny Wednesday. Who or what has done you wrong this week?
I completely feel for you and this story. This is probably why my friendships have dwindled over the past few years of my infertility struggle. I would rather just not be disappointed in scenarios just like you’ve described, so I just shut everyone out altogether.
As for my Whiny Wednesday: My body has done me wrong this week. My monthly reminder of my infertility has arrived today. I calculated that I’ve endured about 360 monthly reminders in my lifetime…a reminder of what, exactly? For the majority of those, it was a reminder of what could be, that when the time was right, I would give up the monthly reminder for 9 months of creating a human being.
Now, I wish I could just have everything removed. My period and I have become bitter enemies, much worse now than even when I was 12 years old and mortified that I had periods, complete with sickness, horrible cramps, and a constant fear of leaking through my clothing. Now it’s a monthly reminder of what will never be. If I could eliminate having it altogether (which I plan to do by taking birth control soon), then maybe it would help me heal much faster/easier.
I’m right there with you. I don’t have many friend because of things like this.
I was reading something the other day that “you are like the 5 people you spend the most time with.” In the last 7 day period the 5 people I spent the most time with was my husband, my sister’s two kids, and the two kids that were in my Sunday School class. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really have friends at all.
My body is in the middle of my cycle, ovulating. It has always been very clear to me when I’m ovulating. I come from a long line of very fertile women. But CF and genetic issues keep us from having children. So I get a reminder twice a “month”. (My “months” are 40 days.) I sometime think of having everything removed too. I still have the fears of awful cramps and heavy bleeding. I did the birth control thing before I was married so I could function through college…I don’t want to go back to that again.
I also can relate to shutting people out for the reasons stated above.
Oh, NO. I honestly think that (most) people get so absorbed into their own, new sphere that they can’t see outside their own experience past a certain point. How completely unempathetic, it’s like she chose to forgot how that might make you feel. My 20 year high school reunion was cancelled two years ago due to poor planning, but there were an AWFUL lot of suggestions of a family friendly picnic instead, given “so many of us have kids now.” OUCH. I just unfollowed someone who became an infertility patient and then got pregnant on her second IVF, because she became that person who makes their ultrasound their profile picture and posted cute memes about pregnant people and a weekly “bump watch” all the time. I don’t want to rain on her parade that she “made it,” but for the love, some balance and remembrance of what it felt like to see that stuff in your feed, please. I love this idea of “Whiny Wednesday,” sometimes you just have to get that stuff off your chest and share it with those who will nod their heads and agree, yes that’s terrible. I’m sorry about your friend and her new cluelessness. That really stinks.
Unfortunately, this sort of thing goes for many situations in life – singlehood, joblessness, etc. People somehow think insensitivity and gloating “proofs” them against what they have purged.
This happened 4 weeks ago. My goddaughter got pregnant and I was very happy for her, and at the same time, sad for me…still waiting, and hoping.
I sent a text to my friend explaining how I was feeling… I was looking for a shoulder to cry…. remind me why I sent that text?
My friend sent me a long text about envy. Stating that the Lord doesn’t want me to envy, so on and so on. Literally preaching to the choir….
Another friend told me: “you live in a cloud…”
Wow ! No more comments for today….
I keep on praying.
So sorry.. I’ve been there with those horrible mixed up feelings of happy for them, sad for your own situation – it can be very painful and unsettling. Your friend totally didn’t get it and presumably hasn’t been in that situation. I think your feelings might be grief as much as envy, so be kind to yourself. It’s awful when you share and feel vulnerable and a friend puts the boot in. I was very tentative sharing with a friend that I had depression. I felt vulnerable and embarrased. Their response. ‘Oh, everyone gets sad sometimes’. Some people have to actually go through experiences themselves to develop empathy, and that’s a pain in the ass for their friends who need them! On the upside, we ourselves should be highly empathetic people!
Misty; thank you soooo much for your words !
I am actually grieving, in a state of “sadness”. Slowly getting into the “acceptance mood”, I believe.
And, I am so grateful I found this blog I can vent and learn from “all of you” . Praise the Lord !
I keep on praying for all of us.
How awful for your “friend” to admonish you with religion. That’s just cruel. Those are not friends. Time to send them one of those articles about what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility.
There is so much emphasis on “cheering you up”, getting you to smile, or to make you feel better. Sometimes we just need to be sad and to have someone hold us while we are being sad.
Agreed. Most often, I don’t want a pep talk, I just want someone to be there while I wallow in my sorrow for a little while. The pep talk, to me, implies they want me to just “snap out of it”, and it’s never that easy to do. My husband tends to give me pep talks a lot, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying this isn’t want I’m looking for from him, as I know it’s just his way of trying to help. Sometimes before I open up I tell him that I don’t want answers or solutions, I just want to vent.
And if someone were to give that religious speech to me, they would no longer be my friend.
Your friend may have been well meaning but insensitive. I would want to remind her of this verse from Romans: Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
I completely understand the internal conflict of wanting to be happy for a newly pregnant friend or family member. I smile, say congrats and run to the bathroom to cry. Those are the days that I usually go home and eat ice cream to drown my sorrow.
I thank you so much for your words and I am so happy we can share our struggles and joy !
Thank you ! From my heart.
As always, I am praying for all !
There is some truth to the saying that misery loves company. It is consoling to know we are not alone.
Exactly. A pastor at a church I don’t go to anymore pretty much said the same thing to me – that I shouldn’t be so envious. And he quoted that same Romans verse, but left off “mourn with those who mourn.” I don’t go to that church anymore.
Love the term! Infertility amnesia seems totally real! Just last week, my cousin-in-law who was trying to concieve for a few years just had 2 babies within the same year (irish twins) I know she struggled before having them .. and just a year later she was asking me personal questions and making insensitive comments as if she was never infertile and has no idea what im going through. I just DID NOT get it!!!! unbelievable
Thank you for this opportunity. I’ve been wanting to complain about this for awhile to people who will understand.
I became friends with someone after a mutual friend who knew what both of us had been through introduced us. This new friend had three failed IVFs and I have had two failed IVFs. It was nice for both of us to finally know someone who understood what it was like. We met up for lunch for about once a month until… Yep, she got pregnant naturally and unexpectedly. Awesome! (I’m being serious, not sarcastic.) I was really happy for her. She was really struggling to cope with infertility and her marriage was suffering as well. I knew we wouldn’t really be friends anymore, but I was okay with that. I was moving on in my life. My husband and I quit trying to conceive, I applied to graduate school for a new career, we sold our four-bedroom house in the suburbs, and we moved into a tiny rental in the heart of the city.
Meanwhile, she proceeded to do everything she had complained to me about: posting all about her pregnancy, complaining about lack of sleep, and then even posting about baby poop once her daughter was born. Needless to say she is hidden on my newsfeed. I don’t like that level of oversharing, but it’s especially annoying when it’s coming from someone with infertility amnesia.
Flash forward a year and a half, and I actually ran into her on a Friday night. It was her first night out since having her baby about three months prior, and I was out with a new school friend. She seemed happy to see me but it was weird, just a totally weird vibe. We said hello and I introduced my school friend, and she said, “Oh isn’t that cute. You’re out with someone from school.” Just totally condescending. I said nothing and she stood there smiling for a minute or two, looking us up and down, and then left to rejoin her group. I wish her nothing but happiness, but I’m fine if I never run into her again. It was a bizarre encounter.
This is I think exactly why I became so completely isolated – I was even afraid to befriend people who were struggling to conceive because one by one they had success – I even stayed away from IVF forums as they were full of people reporting how many eggs they had collected and how many embryos they had etc – it did not help me. I did my best to stay in the lives of friends with new borns but the comments and insensitivity became apparent at every visit and so gradually, any friend with an announcement was out of my life and so too were the people I thought might suddenly have a miracle. This went on for over a decade, in the end my husband and I had a jokey/true strategy not to befriend anyone of a maternal age! We live in a house now surrounded by retirees! It helps… its so hard – the only people who I can rely on are all of you here. Thank you for allowing me to get my thoughts out without judgement or feeling bad for the fact that actually I can freely admit I am envious and sad and angry and hurt at any and all pregnancy announcements from anyone – I have come to realise that its perfectly normal and more than justified.
I had to leave the TTC online support forum because everyone else was moving onto IVF and I couldn’t stand to hear if they had success. Just hearing about the hope they still had in going through the process just completely crushed me, since I was not moving on to that.
I am also mostly surrounded by retired folks, but the one couple across the street shared how they had their child through IVF – she was born right when we moved into our house. My husband and I thought we could end up being great friends with them, especially once we had our own child, but alas, we have not and have kept our distance (more so because my husband is just antisocial, but for me it’s more that I feel we are living in two different worlds). They mentioned how they still have more eggs frozen and they plan to have another child, so I keep bracing myself to see if she has a baby bump yet. I know when I find out that she’s pregnant again I’m going to be crushed (but of course, very happy for her, as she has lots of physical barriers to conceiving naturally, so IVF is their only option).
I guess I’m fortunate in that all of my friends are past the trying to have kids phase, so I don’t hear about people’s pregnancies too much. I do recall this young second cousin of mine got married around the same time I did, and she got pregnant almost instantly. That kind of stung a little. I’m not close with her so I guess there’s more of a detachment as opposed to someone I know well.
people just move on and on and on and change their lives to accomodate for a baby. And i will never, ever be part of that. Endless repeat.
From a different status……a grandma -wanna -be. My daughter by circumstance will not be a mother and my son not married nor interested. Meanwhile my peers foist pictures of grand babies and tell long boring stories incessantly; exactly why I am not on social media. It is amazing the insensitivity of others.
Grandparents can be the worst. “It is amazing the insensitivity of others.” — You got it. People, I’ve learned, couldn’t care less about our feelings.
I have a friend like that who went through infertility for years and then suddenly had a baby at 48. Now she has total infertility amnesia. All she does is post daily photos of the kid sitting in his baby chair, always in the same position. Dozens and dozens and dozens of photos as if he’s changed much in a day. As if we’re all waiting around to see what might be different today. I found myself saying “Enough already”.
I know I’m sensitive to this and maybe if it were me, I’d do the same thing. But suddenly it’s like nothing else exists, except her kid and motherhood. At best, it’s annoying.
I do, however, get a tiny kick out of knowing that while she’s cleaning baby poo and wiping up vomit, I’ll be out with my friends enjoying a glass of wine, or sleeping in on weekends, or planning a fun getaway with my husband. Hey, whatever works to get you through the day, right?
Beyonce has infertility amnesia. It’s obvious she had an infertility sojourn. Some people don’t believe she was pregnant the first time. Now she’s all about posting self portraits. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Does pregnancy turn people into egomaniacs?