By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
It happened so quickly. I was crossing a street and noticed ahead of me a woman and two small boys, about two- and three-years-old. As they rounded the corner, the wind caught the stack of coloring book pages the older child was holding, pulling them from his hand and scattering them across the sidewalk. As they scrambled to stomp on them and pick them up, I sprinted across the street to help.
I handed my small collection to the woman, then said to the young artist, “What beautiful artwork. Did you make these?” He looked up at me and beamed. And I looked into the eyes of the son I could’ve had and thought, I still want one.
And there goes years of therapy!
I think this has to be one of the hardest things about this journey. Even though we may have been told we can’t have children, or know we can’t have children, or have come to terms with our choice to not have children, there’s still that what if factor. The miracle cure, the quicky adoption, the rogue egg. It’s still possible, right? It’s not too late! If I still want this, I can make it happen! All those crazy-train thoughts waiting to bubble up to the surface at a moment’s notice.
Fortunately, my brain took over and, by the time I’d walked the rest of the way home, I had catalogued all my (very sensible) reasons for being childfree and overruled my flip-floppy emotions. I was back to being at peace with my choice. At least my brain is good with it. I just need to work a little more on getting my heart on board.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.
This is me too. Just last night I was watching the last episode of a series and wouldn’t you know it the infertile couple gets pregnant. Of course I was crying watching the wife tell her husband, watching them cry together, hearing them tell each other what great parents they are going to be, hearing him tell her how she’s glowing. Just once, ONCE! can’t they live happily ever after childless? Sigh…
I agree. For once I wish the infertile couple would resolve that they will be ok without the child.
Happily every childless – love that expression!
I guess it makes for good television when the infertile couple finally gets their wish (because life is like that …) or, they focus on a couple adamant on not wanting a baby, then poof! I watched Four Christmases over the holidays and that happened.
I guess I don’t have any expectation of my heart ever being totally okay with this. I just keep hoping and working towards more enjoyment, less pain. That’s my hope.
This is me too. I’m about to turn 50, separated from my husband (nobody has filed for divorce yet) and yet, (it was male-factor for us) sometimes I fantasize about having unprotected sex with a “friend” and “accidentally” getting pregnant. Even though I know how biologically that is probably not even possible anymore and also how that would not be the best situation in my life at the present time, still, it goes through my head. I’m mostly at peace with it, except that now my sisters’ children are having children…sigh.
I hear you CVB. I am divorced, 52 years old, never being able to conceive a child; and I don’t have a significant other….
Anyway, these days my goddaughter is expecting… that is “big” in my family.
I have to confess I have my moments… but I firmly believe I will accept it and be at peace…some day.
Love and prayers for all of us !!!
We have not completely stopped trying to conceive (but will be throwing in the towel after this year), but mentally I’ve 75% stopped trying and have begun grieving. But we have decided to only try naturally. My biggest moment of doubt is related to IVF. As much as I don’t want to try it, as much as I have talked myself out of it and barely considered it as a viable option in the first place, there is still a small part of me thinking we should just go into debt. This pretty much happens every time AF arrives, or every time I see a child, really.
This thought crossed my mind the other day as well. I was told I can’t have children. I know physically I can’t. I’ve pretty much excepted that part I think. I was holding someones baby the other day and he fussing and all but I thought to myself….”I could’ve been a good mother” I’m only 41. I suppose I could still adopt. I’m single though. I’d have to work out the logistics of being able to afford it.
My walk today took me past lots of kids’ teams playing cricket. I can just imagine my husband amongst the parents there, cheering on and guiding the son or daughter which we don’t – and most likely will never – have. As someone who enjoys logic, I still get thrown by sneaking emotions that I can’t rationalise, even when the decision’s been made and you think you’re at the point of acceptance.. the heart vs the head.
Thank you all for sharing pieces of your story here. My heart goes out to all of you. I’m also reminded of how lucky we are to have a safe place here, where we can open our hearts and hurts and feel supported, no matter where we are on this crazy journey.
I send extra love to each of you today. –KGW