A while ago, I asked you to share topic ideas for Whiny Wednesday. Quite a few of you were glad to oblige. Thanks for the great ideas. If you’d like to suggest a topic, please leave it in the comments below. (Add ** so I can easily find it, please.)
This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is this:
Other People’s Pity
As always, you’re free to vent on your own topic, too.
My problem with other people’s pity is that it is not genuine, but rather back-handed. The facade of pity is a thin veil for gloating at the expense of the childless and, of course, blaming the victim. It’s almost like reproduction is a war between genders, and those with children got out alive and are glad they’re not us – and since we deserve our lot in life, we must appreciate that and suffer at their feet.
I feel the same way.
Thanks for having us send in topic suggestions! So fun!:
Topic:
**Pregnancy Privilege**
**mommy club (when people talk about mom stuff and completely ignore that you are there)**
Other people’s pity make me feel like i’m “sick” or something is WRONG with me .. i would like to be treated as an equal and instead be celebrated .. people’s pity makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious .. and makes me feel like a second class citizen .. I mean I would understand if i went through a life threatening event then I would like some compassion, but there are lines crossed .. anyway .. good topic!
Yes, the Mommy Club, would you believe that in my workplace they’d rather engage the single ladies who have boyfriends, than me 🙁
I hate it when people say to me “Oh, I’m so sorry you weren’t able to have children, you would have made a great mother.” I would love to say to people…”Yeah, I’m sorry, too, and yes I would have made a great mother. But I am still ok, I am still whole, and I am learning that there is more to life and to me than my inability to procreate.”
Other topics: I love the two mentioned above…**pregnancy privilege, and ***mommy club.
Additional topic: **The social media barrage of other’s perfect lives with their children
I ended up quitting Facebook because all it did was it upset me and made me feel like I was missing out on things.
You have my permission to say you can’t go to any events that cause you pain as there’s no point going to events if all it will do is upset you and make you feel like you are losing out as I found that it always stings like mad when you see others experiencing things you wanted for yourself but sadly lost out on so do not go to those events as life’s too short to put yourself through unnecessary unhappiness.
They should save their pity for those who need it!
I’ve just quitted Facebook too.
Topic
** Mommy Club (when people talk about mom stuff and completely ignore that you are there)**
… even though their children are in their thirties and have children on their own.(LOL)
That on and on talking about their children… kills me. Sorry, I am brutally honest….
I have had that happen as well. Its not some sort of be all and end all of life and I find its bloody boring as well when its all the time like nothing else matters in life!
I would expect pity. It seems though, my friends, family and acquaintances who know our long infertility struggle are oblivious to it around us. My mother raves about how wonderful my sister’s kids are and how hard it is on my sister being a stay-at-home mom. My friends from all different parts of my life all have children now – there’s no pity for us. They talk all about their kids in front of us. Even those who are more fringe-friends have no sense of kindness to withhold discussing their kids, how great they are, how challenging they can be etc in front of us. I can’t think of one person in our livers that out of kindness, civility and understanding avoids the topics of kids and family in our company. I think people don’t know how to address it, don’t know what to say. It leads to them saying stupid, insensitive things- completely oblivious to the pain and exclusion it makes me feel. Worse than pity, to me, is people not acknowledging the pain I still feel and pretending everything is fine and normal for us.
I undertand what you mean, I felt that way too. But I also think that people should express themselves freely. Maybe if we perceive that our friends and family are always being careful and trying to avoid any comment that could upset us,that might make us feel awkward too.
Topics:
**when all your friends are having babies and, even when they try, they don’t have time for you**
**making new friends because your old ones are sooooo busy with their new babies**
***** Unused Baby Names. That thought you’d one day use.
***Running into old friends who have kids
*** Facing Baby aisle
***Running into old friends who have kids ***
This is a real bad one to tell but today it is the day !
My ex husband remarried and had a baby boy with his new wife. Well, nothing wrong with that exceppt that he never wanted to have kids with me.
Btw, I forgot a little detail: he also sent me the picture of his new baby boy along with the announcement.
I can’t go on. I am sorry.
Oh that is a cruel thing to have to go through!
And unbelievable that he sent a picture and announcement to you, he must have lost his mind, if he knew you want a child and he didn’t want that when you were together.
My partner does not want to have children and I’ve told him that if we ever separate, I would want him to have a vasectomy, as a last favor to me, to make sure he does not go on to have a child with someone else!
ooooo all good topics, love the “unused baby names** topic .. I have a list of potential names that has been there for years in the notes of my iphone .. sigh .. hurts so bad when we see friends take the names we wanted for our offspring (and didn’t even discuss it with them)
When people find out I’m still childless after many years of being married, I always get them telling me lots of miracle stories, or that “its not your time yet” instead of “I’m sorry”. I don’t know if it means pity or something else.
OMG, miracle stories are the worst for me. I hate when people try to comfort me by telling that stories because it make feels like God likes those couples more than me and my husband. I know that is not true at all, but thats how I fell in that moment.
**lack of non-pregnancy related reading material at the gyn office
As a healthcare worker, I agree 100%. That’s actually unprofessional and unsafe.
Hearing hurtful words such as
** it’s not ment to be for you**
**everything happens for a reason**
**people who know your struggle but won’t allow you to just be sad and won’t allow you to feel your grief feelings. They pressure you to be “ok”**
**people’s ignorance at thinking ivf is guaranteed to work**
**people telling you your being negative when all your doing is being cautious because you know the chances of success are slim and your being honest and protecting your heart**
**the endless justification and explanations people need when they argue with you about your thoughts and feelings being valid on your desision not to adopt**
**the stress and exhaustion when telling your story to people who you think will get it but they dont and you again have to justify and explain why you feel the way you do and that this is a normal reaction to this situation, **
**I’d like to hear of stories where people have come out of these conversations and have felt like they’ve said something which made them win the conversation!** ( if winning is the correct term)! **where theyve been heard and understood or have said something to put the person in their place and its worked and youve come out feeling good instead of like crap**
** infertile couples on tv getting pregnant**
I don’t agree with this one. I wish I could get some pity from people. In a positive sense, just acknowledgement that I am sad and their empathy. All I get is “oh but you can still….” (I am single and 45…..). I am childless by circumstance and I just can never, ever get any sympathy without immediate counsel (“oh but there is online dating, have you never tried…”). Even from professionals such as therapists etc.
The other day a colleague told me that she lost a child during pregnancy, it died within her belly and she had to have surgery to remove it… very very sad… of course I said appropriate things such as “oh I’m so sorry, yes that’s tough” and so on.
Nobody in the whole world would immediately tell her “oh ok, you’ll just have to try again”. I really wish I would get that kind of empathy sometimes.
Me too Elena
Elena
” I was even told to change jobs ! maybe that could help you since you are so sad…”
I had nothing to say after such an statement. Speechless.
It’s hard to experience the ache of being childless when you wanted to be a mother. It’s arguably just as difficult to be subjected to negative childless/childfree cultural stereotypes which give rise to others’ unwanted pity, etc. Someday, I’d love to see childfree women glorified, just as women with children are; I’d love to have girls and women look up to them, just as they look up to those who are mothers, and to think how beautiful and special they would feel to be a part of this group.
Wow! Thanks for all the WW post ideas. I’m making a list. xxx
My whinge is about my dinner conversation with a good friend. She has a baby.
I told her its hard to hear pregnant women complain about being pregnant. I told her, in my (ex) job working with pregnant women, that i HATED to hear them complain about being pregnant cos id ‘give my limbs to be pregnant’. She then went on to lecture me about how these women have the right to feel this way because they may be tired from their other children… or they might not have the money for another baby.
Literally she said ‘you dont know selflessness until youve had a babym. Maybe shes tired from having to be selfless’.
This woman knows that i want a baby so, so much.
She never had to try for hers. ‘Oops baby’.
She used to have such range.
I will NEVER discuss my bitter or angry feelings with her. She doesnt get it. She used to have such range.