You’ve probably noticed that there are triggers all around—at the mall, in the mail, on TV, in the streets. So this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is this:
Being caught in public by surprise feelings of loss or grief
Whine away, my friends.
Comments
filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
READ LISA’S AWARD WINNING BOOK
~ "a raw, transparent account of the gut-wrenching journey of infertility."
~ "a welcome sanity check for women left to wonder how society became so fixated on motherhood."
I may be alone on this and may be going slightly crazy but .. seeing animals with their offspring; for example; mama duck and her flock of baby ducklings crossing the road single file is like life mocking me .. i am so envious of the other creatures in nature for not having to make an effort to conceive yet by the law of nature .. it just happens like it’s meant to be .. without any delays or mysterious problems .. just wish it was that easy for the rest of us too .. they look so blessed .. even though we are blessed in other ways .. i feel like having a child would be the biggest blessing right now .. sigh – sorry for sounding nuts.
Almira,
There is nothing crazy here. I guarantee you’re not the only one to experience this. -x-
You are so not Nuts. I feel the same way. I can’t look at a mother cat nursing her litter Or hear about it. Same goes with pregnant dogs.
This is the first time I’ve seen comments expressing my same “silly” thoughts. It’s good to know I’m not so unique. Thinking about or seeing a pregnant dog or one surrounded by puppies has me feeling like a loser because the little b***h has been able to accomplish something I’ll never be able to do. Then I have to laugh at myself in a bitter sort of way!
I feel the need to rant today because we had 2 ivfs fail last year and in the last 2 years I’ve had 6 operations on my pelvis as well as an operation before each of the two failed ivfs. Both my infertility friends (one I met on here) are now pregnant. I don’t want any contact from either of those friends again. Ive recently started smoking again after been given up for years. I have been slipping into depression for the last few weeks and in recent weeks have been unable to work without crying in public at my workplace. So much so I felt I couldn’t cope with work and had to come home in such distress. I’m so fed up with feeling this way, I have no interest in things. No appetite and my partner is at a loss at how to help me. I’m fed up and tired of talking about the subject as it makes no difference whatsoever. Who gives a shit! Noone can help. I don’t see any point in life or see it getting better. I’ve felt like this on and off for 6 years but never this low. So frustrated with myself at my inability to *not be so negative and to be like I was when he first met me* was my partners request this morning. My sister said it must be hard for him to live with me feeling like this. So I feel very inadequate and such an inconvenience for being as I am. Maybe I should end it all and save us all some grief.
*Hugs* Been there felt that. I wish I could say something that would help. I feel for you.
Oh Star, I really feel for you. I have been there and then some. What you are feeling is normal. I started moving forward when I stropped trying to be the person I used to be. This terrible thing happened to me (and you/us) and we can’t undo it or unknow it. I know I am changed by it, but it’s OK, because I can be a different me and still be happy sometimes. It’s been 10 years since we “stopped trying” and I have more good days than bad. But when the days are bad, I just remind myself to hang in there because it will eventually pass. It will for you too, just hang in there.
Hi Maria,
I don’t see you over here as much as I used to, so I know you’re having more good days than bad these days. I’m really pleased to hear that. -x-
Sending big hugs Star. I know the feeling of inadequacy and being so different from when I first met my husband. Infertility totally changes you especially when friends you meet in the journey have success. Most of the women I’ve met over the years dealing with infertility and loss now have multiple children. Find something you enjoy doing that helps clear your head. For me it’s the beach, either taking a walk alongside the water or going Paddle Boarding. When I’m having a tough day or have a panic attack being near the water relaxes me.
I’m really sorry that you feel so down. I went to a therapist and got anti-depressants. He called it situational depression or something like that. It ebbs and flows and I hope you will be on the upswing soon. Hugs from someone who has been there.
My whine is when i go to Target and have to walk by the kids clothes. I imagine what my little girl would have looked like in the cute dresses.
Star; today is the day, your day, our day ! Women’s Day !
You are such a blessing to this blog ! I want you to know.
I don’t know if you believe in God or not but I am praying for you.
♥♥♥♥
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Seeking some professional help might be helpful, as it sounds like it is truly interfering with life. Of course it’s going to affect you in a deep and profound way, but what you’ve expressed indicates that you may want some additional supports, and it sounds like you can’t find anyone to truly relate to what you are feeling. Wishing you the best, and hoping that you can find hope again.
The Cranberries song “Dreams” came up in the queue while I was driving to work. Surprisingly it made me burst into tears.
“Empty” by the Cranberries is another one that had me into tears.
What kills me the most is when I do really well at a baby shower – holding it together, being genuinely happy for the mother to be, celebrating with my family and friends and enjoying myself. I get through the cute gifts, the glowing mama, the comparisons of pregnancies – the whole thing for hours and hours. Then, just when I am patting myself on the back for good work I see a teeny, tiny pair of unicorn rain boots that belong to someone else’s baby, and I cannot get out of there fast enough because the weight of the possibility that I will never own a pair of teeny, tiny, unicorn rain boots is too much.
Those unexpected moments of grief are rough. This November marks 7 years since I lost my twins and in the beginning just seeing boy/girl twins was tough, now it’s not as bad, but once and awhile unexpectedly it brings tears to my eyes. Also hearing other children with their names while out in public is tough.
I am the mother of a daughter who cannot have children. Mine is a deep, hollow, gnawing pain that never goes away, day or night. I wake in the middle of the night gripped with the reality that I will not be with my daughter in her old age, I most likely will not hold her hand as death approaches, and I am overcome with the fear that neither will anyone else. This rocks me to the core with grief. When morning comes and my ability to control my senses returns, I remind myself that there are plenty of my friends whose children never come around, never express care for their aging parents. It isn’t always picture perfect. Children don’t fix everything. Many of my friends who are single have a wonderful friend network that often goes beyond the love of family–no baggage to carry around of past grievances, of holidays ruined, mean words spoken, and the like. But each night the nagging thoughts return and I start all over again. I am the mother of a daughter who cannot have children.
Elaine,
Firstly, thank you for coming here and being so supportive of your daughter. I’m sorry to hear of both your losses.
You are absolutely right that having children does not guarantee someone will take care of you as you age. I think that, while parents assume their kids will be there for them, those of us without children know we need another plan. That plan will probably include a circle of close friends. I also see changes on the horizon, where women are forming communities to take care of one another as they age.
All the fanfare around Hoda Kotb adopting a baby at 52 and being a cancer survivor has been triggering me. I know I should be happy for her blah blah blah but dang it! It is so unrealistic. If it wasn’t for her wealth and her celebrity status there is now way she would get a perfect healthy new born.
I feel the same about it. Show me the money and I’ll show you how quickly I can adopt a baby. Not fair. Both with adoptions and IVF – if you’re rich, you can be pregnant or have a child by summer time!
Unrelated whine…why do 99% of the International Women’s Day social media posts, speeches at work etc all wrap back around to women being mothers?
Agreed!
OMG, I thought the same thing, MC! Like, once again, I am invisible/worthless/useless…. So sick of this.
A trigger for me is when we are at a store and my husband starts looking at kids’ toys. If the store has a toy/kids section, he ends up going there, looking at toy cars and things for our nephew. I get so angry at him. Recently he did that at a store and I said “You know, it’s not always easy for me to look at this stuff. I’d like to be buying it for our own kid.” He definitely understood what I was saying and we left the section quickly. But since then, he still does it. I thought maybe he learned his lesson, but I guess not. He buys matchbox cars a lot, we have a stash of them at the house to give to our nephew. I’m fine to shop for our niece and nephew when it is a special occasion, but he does it every time we are out shopping!!!!!!!!!!
I’m very new to this world, I am only 25 and found out a year ago that I would be unable to ever have children. I left the relationship I was in to go into a kind of soul search. I am okay with the fact that I won’t be a mother but I still find myself on the trains to work looking at moms and their children and find myself on the verge of crying all the time. And it sucks ladies, it sucks that I can’t stop staring at these babies and moms. Any tips on how to stop it from stinging so much?
Oh, Jossalyn, we so understand this. Wish I could tell you the magic formula for getting through this, but each person’s journey is her own. Will say that you’ll find support and encouragement–and even tips– on this site and in the books that are recommended. I think the one thing I can tell you: You are not crazy and you are not alone. I hope to day is a better day. xxoo
I heard once, “you can’t heal what you don’t feel.” Those feelings are trying to tell you something. Consider journalling by answering five questions: i am happy about… i am sad about… i am mad about… i feel bad (like low self worth) about… i feel afraid about…
Those are the five main emotions. Giving yourself time to “hear” what theyre telling you can be a way to feel and then… move on. When we stuff emotions, they tend to errupt at random times. So if there are regular opportunities for honesty with yourself and maybe some dear friends it could give you the space to heal. <3
I just can’t bare the sound of infant cries. Its like being stabbed with each cry. When I am shoppimg and she a car seat or stroller approaching. I immediately move if I can. I don’t make any kind of eye contact, or look in the direction of someone pushing a stroller. Shopping has become something I dread doing. Especially in places like Walmart or Target. I do most of my shopping at Walmart. I love the store for it bargains. But. The types of crowds thst flock there make the trip dreadfull. It’s always packed with single women(my age), pushing a shopping cart full of yelling kids. I have to go out of the way. Not to run into them down certain aisles. Mothers everywhere, down every aisle.I just want to scream! Sometimes. It’s just unfair man it’s unfair!
I can totally relate. I hate grocery shopping. I go at 9:00 p.m. at night to avoid families.
I work for a Public Library in the department that purchases all the new materials. Normally this is a good spot as I can avoid all the mothers and children using the actual library, but every once in a while a new children’s book will come through our department that will trigger the thought “I will never get to share that with my child”. Some of my best memories from when I was little are my Mom reading to me and I just can’t believe I will never get to create those memories with my own kids.