By Lisa Manterfield
I’ve run this post several times over the years, but it remains one of the hottest topics and the question I’m most often often asked. If you’ve been a reader for while, think of this as a chance to look back and see how far you’ve come.
The question is: is it possible to ever get over being unable to have children?
I can’t see far enough ahead to know for sure if infertility and being childless is something I will ever “get over,” but based on another life-changing experience, here’s what I think:
When I was 15, my dad passed away suddenly and everything changed for me. I remember feeling immediately alienated from the other kids in school because I was no longer like them. I felt as if everyone was staring at me to see how I behaved, to see what someone with a dead dad looked like. People didn’t know what to say me, so many just said nothing. Several adults said variations of “This will make you grow up quickly” so I took them at their word and forged a new grown-up path.
For many years, my dad’s death defined me and I saw everything in my life through that filter. I felt angry and rebelled against people who had living parents, especially if they didn’t appreciate them. Unexpected things would trigger my grief and those old emotions would come at me from nowhere.
Over time, this eased. I went about my life and slowly, the fact that I didn’t have a dad no longer factored in. The trigger situations became less frequent and I thought about his death less and less.
It’s now been 30 years since he passed away. His death no longer directly colors my life. It is something I experienced a long time ago and found my way through. I think about him sometimes, but mostly with fondness and only occasionally do I think about the traumatic time around his death.
I have never forgotten my dad, nor will I ever forget him. His memory and my loss are woven into the fabric of my being, but don’t identify me as someone who has lost. I can say that I am “over” the loss of my dad, but I will never forget that he’s no longer here.
So, now if I go back over this story and replace the loss of my father with the loss of the children I never had, I imagine the story will unfold in much the same way. I’m already on the road to healing. Situations that cause my grief to flare up are very rare these days and the traumatic period of my life is blending into my library of memories. I am well on the way to being “over” infertility and the loss I experienced because of it, but it will always be a part of who I am and I don’t expect I will ever forget.
This is a question I deal with as well. Like the author, I too lost my father at a young age (17), and I understand the profound and long lasting impact that had on my life. After 26 years, the grief of that has lessened though at times it can be triggered by a memory or even a movie.
The grief of not having a child is still painful for me. I hold on to a thread of hope for a miracle, but I am aware of the reality. I dread most holidays because I have to see all these “happy” families at church, on facebook, etc. It’s a constant reminder that my prayers were not answered. I hate sounding so bitter! Like the author, I hope that one day, the pain of this will lessen and I will be able to accept my life for what it is instead of longing for what it cannot be.
Lisa, Polly; I also lost my father when I was 16. Some days I miss being a daughter and ask myself if my life could have been different if he were alive…
Regarding my childless not by choice/unable to conceive…
I hope and pray every day to be healed, but it’s a process and it takes time. Only God knows when…
U r in my prayers.
What a great article as I feel as though I am coming out the other side of being heartbroken by being childless not by choice and did think that what is said here was happening to me. This is something that will always be there but will no longer define me. My husband’s sister had a baby yesterday and, for the first time, I feel her happiness and joy first and foremost and not my own heartbreak and sadness which is still there. Onwards and upwards.
The pain will never go away.. As I am still in my child bearing year. With a ticking biological clock. Now its worst time than ever. It feels like a curse . It can never go away this is a child driven world. How can I forget that.
I feel your pain, the yearning to be a mum, knowing that you would be a great mum too. It hurts. I lost two baby girls two separate heartbreak both stillborn full term. 10 years ago. My dad died 18 months ago, this split me in two, but the more I listen to my dad in the stillness of my heartbeat , I embrace the peace that my girls are ok with grandad. This makes me smile, becamy dad was my heart beat..and all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. Today, I choose to smile.
I am still struggling everyday .. wish i was over it ..
It still affects me at 62. – not every day, but most days. The tv is still full of family or baby ads,and the streets are still full of people who don’t seem to care for the children they have. I had endometriosis, had 2 failed IVF attempts (one failed at Easter, when everyone is talking about new life, and one at Christmas.) Then had to have an early hysterectomy at 39.
no whiny wednesday? 🙁 i was looking forward to it all day
Thanks for the heads-up, Samantha. Didn’t realize we had a glitch till you wrote in. Something is up now, so please start us off with a big, epic, cathartic whine.
Thank you so much!
Simple answer… yes and no. Yes, you can find peace. No, you will never “get over it”. The trying to be a parent struggle is part of your life and ignoring that part of you isn’t going to make it easier.
But there is a point where it becomes best not to pick at the scar too often while you heal.
I have been asking myself this question for a long time. Thank you for writing about it.
My take on this might sound a bit dramatic.
After losing my mum in 2014 nothing has been the same. This kind of grief is talked about, somehow expected and understood by some. You do get yourself together and manage to move forward, not so sure about moving on.
Childlessness for me is a different type of grief. People will try to give you options such as ‘why don’t you adopt/ foster, etc?’. They didn’t suggest me to adopt a mother when mine passed away. Some where very simpathetic with my loss as they had experienced it and gave me comfort. None of my friends insensitively and relentlessly showed me pictures of heir mothers or talked about their adventures with theirs whilst I was around during that difficult time. I haven’t found the same reaction for my childlessness. Not a single friend has expressed their sympathy, only the ones who are childless too. At work people tend to share pictures of their children, take them to work, and never stop chatting about their wonderful family life, etc.
This society is tailored for mothers and the retraumatisation happens every day.
You don’t tend to joint groups for people who have lost a parent ( unless it was a traumatic event), but I felt that I had to surround myself of other childless women in order to survive.
Only 2 of my many friends make time outside their families to come and meet me. Others expect me to visit their family home. They wouldn’t ask you to come and meet their mothers knowing you have just lost yours. Would they. I feel I have to explain myself over and over again… it falls in deaf ears. With this I am not saying that people are cruel. It’s something not understood.
Thank you so much for opening this discussion.
Thank you so much for writing this it sums up exactly how I feel and made me laugh at the same time. Both my husband and I have lost parents over the 7 years and the difference in support has been shocking. People just don’t understand they want to fix it by offering you a solution. They don’t seem to want listen to how hard it is for you to deal with.
Only one friend came over and hugged me and said how sorry they are!
I’ve had the usual- :”there’s a lot to be said for not having kids.” Yes but it wasn’t our choice!
“Oh you’ll be able to do nice things instead.” We spent all our money on IVF
“You and husband are strong you will be fine.” Funnily enough no one said that at any if the funerals. my personal favourite “it will probably happen now you have stopped trying”. You have no idea why I can’t get pregnant so shut up.
“Well you can always adopt” do you know how hard that process is…do you know we won’t get a baby. Do you know that still means I won’t have gone through pregnancy , we won’t have our own baby that we have always imagined. No we don’t want to adopt a child over 5…”Oh but so n so has a baby”.
So for now I don’t talk about it.
Rant over and thank you.
Good days…. bad days… the grief of losing the baby dreamt of…after wanting a baby for so long,…imagining what he/she would look like, what it would be like to hold him or her, to cuddle, kiss, and play with them, the first day of school, …the wondering never goes away. It has been 20 years for me and today…hurts as bad as it did 20 years ago when trying…. the feeling of being a failure, not good enough, seeing others have MULtIPLE babies and complaining of miscarriages in between,… finding life so unfair… believing in God and wondering how anyone can say that they have a baby or babies because they are blessed …then thinking if that’s right …where does that put me with God? I don’t believe in blessings and gifts as it pertains to babies… too many terrible parents out there…life is hard. BUT, we move forward because we are resilient, strong and have purpose…just not a baby. Grieving always.