By Lisa Manterfield
I was asked once, by a well-intentioned person, if I thought I’d waited too long to start trying to have children. I have to admit that the thought has flitted across my mind on more than one occasion, but once I stop to think it through, I’m able to answer the question with a resounding “No!”
I remember being completely affronted (and rightly so) by a very conservative college professor who told me that the prime age for women to have children was 18. Of course, looking at a chart of fertility vs. age, I now see that he was correct, even if his suggestion that motherhood might be a more suitable choice than college was extremely misguided.
Looking back at my 18-year-old self, it’s hard to imagine what would have happened if that young woman had become a mother. Yes, I know lots of women do it, and I probably would have too, if I’d had to. But thinking about all the upheavals I’ve put myself through, I just cannot imagine that a child would have benefited from having me as an 18-year-old mother. Maybe (maybe) my supposed topnotch fertility at that age would have enabled me to conceive, but it would have been no guarantee of my suitability as a mother.
The truth is, I have absolutely no idea if I was fertile at 18. I assumed that, like many, many women, I would still be fertile at 34, and look how that turned out. There’s no way of knowing how long ago my body decided it wasn’t up to the task of reproducing, and now I’ll never know.
When I look back at the 18-34 years, they were rocky, but good. I had all kinds of experiences that I couldn’t have had if I’d had children to take care for. I went to college—twice—moved to another continent, traveled to many countries, did volunteer work, had fun but unsuitable relationships, changed careers (more than twice), and got to sample adventures not well-matched to motherhood. I certainly don’t feel as if I wasted those years. I wonder if I’d feel the same if I’d been raising children all those years.
So, no, I don’t feel as if I waited too long. I waited until I was ready, and while I waited, I was busy living my life to the fullest, and I don’t consider that wasted time at all.
Love your response! Thanks to you both for such thought provoking posts that help us see the positive side to our situation. Same here. I don’t think life at that age with a baby would’ve been as stable as it is right now .. mentally first of all i wouldn’t be ready let alone marriage .. it’s better to have lived your life on your own to experience things and i can gladly say that i did experience a lot of things from getting married at 25, travelling to more than a handful of places (and more to come), TTC at 28 but now all i have to do is just go with the flow now that the baby thing didnt work out and enjoy my life instead of feeling sorry for myself.
Love your response! Thanks to you both for such thought provoking posts that help us see the positive side to our situation. Same here. I don’t think life at that age with a baby would’ve been as stable as it is right now .. mentally first of all i wouldn’t be ready let alone marriage .. it’s better to have lived your life on your own to experience things and i can gladly say that i did experience a lot of things from getting married at 25, travelling to more than a handful of places (and more to come), TTC at 28 but now all i have to do is just go with the flow now that the baby thing didnt work out and enjoy my life instead of feeling sorry for myself.
I traveled in my mid-twenties, and met up with the daughter of my parents’ friends who I’d not seen since we were both seven. She was married, with two gorgeous children, in a lovely house, literally with the white picket fence. I was, well, travelling. It was nice to see her – I think we both eyed each other as slightly alien species, in the nicest possible way! I’m glad my current group of friends includes all manner of relationship and offspring statuses! There’s no one ‘right’ way!
I like this.
In a funny sort of way I think I’ve come to the same answer, but from the opposite direction. No life-lived-to-the-fullest in my past: I didn’t have kids in my 20’s because I was too poor (working various jobs, trying to fulfill my calling as an artist and entrepreneur), in my 30’s I was too sick (heart defect and other ailments) or too injured (major motorcycle accident), and now in my 40’s way too sick – but I didn’t “wait too long”. I don’t feel that I really had a “choice” at all, and altho I’m terribly sad for it, I did the reasonable, responsible things. I didn’t bring a child into poverty. I didn’t risk it’s poor health during my own poor health. I wasn’t to know that the heart thing would be followed by other health issues, which would be followed by getting hit by a car, which would be followed by sudden early menopause… I didn’t “wait too long” – Fate never gave me any time that would have worked. It’s about regret. I can’t regret choices I never had, so for that, I don’t actually feel too badly. (Maybe just a bit mad at Fate.)