It’s the sister who every time she sees you asks, “So are you…?” The aunt who asks at every big holiday gathering, “When are you going to…?” Or the mother-in-law who passive-aggressively wonders out loud when “Someone” is going to make her a grandmother. You know,
That one relative who just can’t let it go.
Got one? Tell us about him or her, then tell us what you’d like to say back.
I didn’t have that problem. My husband is the 4th of 5 and the oldest two had kids when we got married. My sister got prego while I was on my honeymoon. And easily got prego again when she wanted too.
My whine is about unfit parents who always seems to get off with the law and ends up looking like the good guy while the parent who is trying their hardest to make life for the kids better is always thrown under the bus.
Omgosh what a hot topic this week once again!!! Half of my misery is because of these relatives.
I have an aunt-in-LAW who always asks if im trying and the most recent encounter she gave unsolicited advice on how i should take clomid or go to an herbal doctor on and on .. as if i nevee tried clomid and failed 3x-4x .. sigh on top of that her daughter (who had 2 kids back to back in the same year) chimes in and says “somebody’s next ahem ahem” ugh cringe!!!!! I feel like saying to the aunt ” when is your funeral??” Jk its just as dumb and hurtful as that question .. does anyone really no if and when we will concieve?! Or any future uncontrolled event?!
To the daughter (who might i add has gone through a little bit of a struggle to concieve her first child) i feel like saying to her “do you have amnesia?!? Did you forget how hard it is to concieve??” And along those lines “get your head out of your a** !!!” Oh gosh i could go on and on .. also had a friend who kept asking too .. ugh no longer her friend
Got one fine exemplar of a sister who constantly complains about the fact that she’s never gonna be an aunty despite having 2 healthy girls herself so she should count herself lucky. Empathy had never been her strongest point.
I don’t have that relative who just can’t let go. I am 52 so they believe I already accepted that I will never have kids. Unfortunately, not yet…
Whining:
I have friends who asked me: “can you imagine how she feels now that her son is going to study abroad?” or “Saturday is bonding time with my daughter, you know..” Well, that is for all of them: I don’t have any idea !!!
That makes me feel that all the talking from my part and crying was in vain?? They still don’t get it? It is frustrating !!!
Prayers for all of us…
I wonder what would happen if we did respond with, “You know–since I know you know I’m childless not by choice–that I have no idea how it feels.” Or maybe it’s as simple as, “I’d love to experience how that feels.”
Sigh…. Prayers for all of us. xxoo
Xoxo
I’m SOO grateful not to have had this challenge. I guess that’s one reason for sharing, if you can, a little of your infertility struggle. Most people with half a brain then know not to ask! I would say ‘Next topic’, if asked. Or maybe refer them to this website, if they need some educating! xx
My whiny Wednesday is not directly related to the topic because my relatives have finally stopped asking. However last week, I had to deal with a much younger coworker announce her 2nd pregnancy. Yes they got pregnant on the first try and she was “devastated ” when the first test was negative after a week! I have to clench my jaw and say congratulations because in reality I am bitter. I want to say how about trying for over a decade without results and now accepting it isn’t going to happen. Now that is devastating!
On a positive note, I didn’t cry at all after hearing that news. Perhaps I’m moving towards acceptance on some level.
I’ve luckily gotten to the age and being married so long that I don’t get those remarks anymore. I make it easier at work by just acting like I don’t like kids so I don’t get the questions and people don’t really bring up their kids around me. But totally have to vent about 2 unexpected announcements yesterday that really hit me hard.
I’d like to print this on a piece of paper and hand it to them.
This is a sore subject and Im really sorry i cant talk about this anymore.
I know people are only trying to help. But the platitudes, fertility advice, stories about an infertile couple who got pregnant against all the odds and persuasion to just adopt don’t help. It does the opposite.
I’m tired of this conversation, it upsets and stresses me out, during the conversation and for a long time afterwards.
I wish people would just say with heartfelt empathy ” I’m so sorry to hear your going through this” and leave it at that, it’s all that’s needed, acknowledgement of the heartbreaking struggle.
I don’t want to endlessly explain & justify the process and it’s emotional effects anymore, which can often be just as frustrating, exhausting and fruitless as the infertility experience itself. Many people ive confided in refuse to accept there really are people for whom no matter how much sex, fertility treatments, relaxation, money, time, effort, faith, strength and hope there is, some people really will never conceive.
Thank you.
Well said Kath – my feelings exactly. “Explaining and justifying the process which is as frustrating and exhausting as the infertility experience” .
Thinking of you and all of us here who constantly suffer loss from the infertility experience and the complete lack of compassion when its most needed from friends and family. I’m trying not to look for understanding outside of LWB site and my husband.