As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
When I wrote to thank Jen for sharing her story, I added one of the big things I’ve learned over the years is there are LWB women all over the world who have been suffering in silence and often shame. Then we read one of Our Stories and realize we’re not crazy, we’re not alone.
Jen understood completely. “I feel my story is taboo and isn’t talked about often,” she replied. “For years I looked for others who I could walk with in my journey,” she said. “A lot of times I don’t share what I am going through because people assume I can magically change my life for the better. I’ve heard ‘divorce and date, adopt, fool around,’ etc. I worked hard for a secure home, but just don’t feel it’s safe anymore.”
Finding LWB has helped her, and I am so grateful that we have this safe space where all our voices can be heard and supported.
Here’s Jen’s story. If you can relate to it, I hope you’ll offer her words of compassion and encouragement in the Comments.
LWB: Describe your dream of motherhood.
Jen: Loving and mentoring my children. Listening when they need someone to care.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Jen: Circumstance. My husband cheated while we attempted. During and since then, he has said I’m physically the reason why I will never have children.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Jen: I work with teenagers during the school year, younger children during the summer. I have a gift working with kids, how to talk to them, listen to them, encourage them. All that, and I can’t have my own child.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Jen: Roller coaster of all the above. There are days when I’m at my best. Maybe it’s making my sister, her husband, and their toddler happy. Maybe it’s elementary school kids during the summer day camp saying they liked my choice in songs. Many teenagers at the high school where I work at call me their “campus mom”. It’s an honor I don’t take lightly.
Then there are days when I’m told I am inadequate to have a child. Maybe it’s because of a wrong decision I made, or more often I’m told with disgust that I’m overweight (size 12–14) with a family history of diabetes.
LWB: What was the turning point for you?
Jen: A couple years ago I came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be best (maybe closer to worse) for my child to have my husband as a father, and it was best to give away any baby items I had in the house. I had to give up or be brought further into depression.
LWB: Who is your personal chero (a heroine who happens to be childfree)? What about her inspires you?
Jen: A coworker of mine is childless due to cancer (now in remission). She believes in God and she knows her gift is to mentor kids. She has perfected listening to teenagers, and giving them advice and encouragement so they can make better decisions. These teenagers know they have someone who cares. [My coworker has helped me] realize I have that same gift with kids of different ages that I work with throughout the year. I remind them of their value and how important they are.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Jen: Politely say “No,” and if they ask why, come up with a reason appropriate for the audience. They mean well, so it isn’t right to take my frustration out on them.
How do you answer “Do you have kids?” Are you sarcastic or flippant? Does the word “No” tumble out with ease, or do you dissolve into a puddle of tears? Has your answer evolved? We’d love to hear about your journey, wherever you are on your path toward acceptance, plus we’d like to support you. Please visit the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire, and consider sharing your story with women who truly understand what you’re going through.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is getting ready to tell her own story. The Mother of All Dilemmas follows her journey of pursuing being a single mother then embracing a life without children, and explores the reasons our society still presumes to calculate a woman’s worth based on whether or not she’s a mother. Keep an eye on LifeWithoutBaby.com for announcements about the book’s release.
Jen: I love that you recognize your gift and you share it. May those who experience it benefit doubly because of the added work it sometimes takes … all the best, Pamela
Thank you for sharing Jen. Sorry about the circumstance .. whether childless by circumstance & not by choice .. we all can relate .. right now i answer the “do you have kids?” question as “no .. ” and i give an honest but vague answer .. like “hasn’t happened yet” .. or “waiting to be blessed” but one day i wish i didn’t have to explain further because im tired of coming up with things to say or excuses .. i just want to change the subject .. then later on i feel the hit and almost tear up .. feel judged etc .. it hurts even more like they are driving the knife into the wound when they ask follow up questions or comment such as “you better hurry up” or “dont wait too long” just a big old SIGH!
Jen, while I’m of course sorry for what you’re going through not having the children you want and deserve, I still get more concerned about you not feeling safe in your home, about your husband cheating on you, and now saying you’re the reason, physically, that you can’t have children, and your feeling that it’s better for a child not to have your husband as a father.
That’s quite a lot of things that doesn’t help one through the grief of childlessness.
I’m aware this is none of my business, but you mentioned it and I can’t help it but it makes me feel uneasy and as if you deserve better.
Take care of yourself!
Dear Jen-
Thank you for the courage to share your story. I can relate in so many ways to what you are saying. I am a Child Development professor and worked with young children for years before helping adults learn to love and nurture them. I, too, have a gift with little ones and have always had a particular natural ability to listen and understand them and their needs. To not have one of our own has been a quiet and painful journey, but I want to share something that tells me that I am on the path to healing and wholeness: We spent the weekend with my niece who lives in another state. For many years, I believed the lie that somehow, even with how good I was with other people’s children, that somehow I was not fit to be a mother of my own children. This inadequacy has burdened me for most of my adult life. While fully caring for my niece and loving on her, meeting her needs, I came to realize finally that I would be an amazing mother. I have all that I need to give to a child. It’s not about being less than or not able like I always believed. I could and I would if the circumstances of health and age not were not a deterrent. This realization has pulled me out of a deep, dark hole that I’ve been in for a very long time.
dear Jen,
thank you for sharing your story.
Wishing you all the best for the future.