By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
A while back, Robin started a lively discussion on our site about “What do you do with hand-me-downs?” And it got me thinking…about the boxes of stuff in my basement (and the hall closet, and the dining room cabinet, and the office filing shelves…).
My mom, like many women of her generation, has begun downsizing. I regularly get emails from her with photos of china, silver, and other precious family heirlooms. “Do you want this?” she asks.
“Yes! Of course!” I want to say, but my enthusiasm is tempered as I allow myself to think about whether or not I’ll truly use it (I don’t have a lot of fine-dining opportunities) and what I’ll do with it when it’s my turn to pass them along.
On top of her treasures, I think about all the items I’ve saved, most of them truly price-less, such as the programs, cards, certificates, trophies, studio portraits, and snapshots. This doesn’t even include the motherlode of photos and documents on my computer. One day, I’d thought, I’ll share all of this with my children. Instead, my assembled keepsakes mock and taunt me as I now think, Some day, someone, possibly a stranger, will have to deal with this mess.
What will you do with your treasures, your family heirlooms, your precious hand-me-downs?
I hope you’ll join our discussion.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is mostly at peace with being childfree.
I recently brought some random china home from my parents’ house that belonged to my grandmother. I am excited to now have it and display it in my home, but at the same time, I am saddened that it will not be passed down to any further generations of my grandmother’s family. Both my brother and myself have no children, so the family ends with us.
My husband’s brother has two children and I figure I will offer it to them when we’re all older, but not sure they will be interested in it since it’s not really their ancestor’s belongings. This goes for just about everything else I’ve kept in hopes of showing it to my children one day. The awards, letters from sports, trophies, photos, you name it…it all ends with me. I hope maybe I will have a good relationship with the niece and nephew on my husband’s side, and maybe I will find an occasion to show them some of that stuff, but honestly, I doubt it.
I always loved looking through my mother’s jewelry box and asking her about certain pieces that belonged to her and to her mother and hearing the stories behind them. I would have liked to have done that with my child/children, but it’s very sad that I won’t have that opportunity. My mom had two silver charm bracelets that I loved playing with – they had lots of charms that had moving parts – probably from the 1950’s. One Christmas maybe within the past 5 years she gave one bracelet to me and one to my brother. At that time I think she thought we both still had chances to have children, but alas, neither of us have made that come to fruition. I was looking forward to passing that bracelet down.
As I come to terms with childlessness, I am starting to think differently about the things I keep, but I spent the past 42 years saving these things to share with future generations, so it’s hard to shift my thinking about it now.
Jenn, your story sounds so familiar.
I too love hearing the stories of things my mother has to hand down (pictures, jewellery, dishes, pictures) but there is no where for them to go. Our family ends with my brother and I, neither have or will have children.
My husband’s only brother does have 4 kids that we are very close with and I have often thought that everything we have will most likely be left to them but as you said, will they want it all those family heirlooms that aren’t from their direct family.
I also have so many old pictures from both my mothers family and my father’s family, spanning back several generation. I started doing a scrapbook with all these pictures and memories my mother gave me from my parents wedding but doing this only lead to sad thoughts that there would be no one to hand these down too. I never finished it.
It is so very hard knowing you are the end of a family.
Wow Kelly, our stories are VERY similar. I also have all of these old photos I’ve been starting to scan from both sides of our family. I’ve been doing our genealogy as well, and it saddens me even more looking at the family tree ending with me and my brother. I was looking forward to seeing who our children would look like…maybe they’d look like my grandmother, or someone else, you know?
I absolutely know what you are talking about.
I always thought about and pictured a little me running around at my parents place, playing in the cupboards. Being the most spoiled grandchild ever. And now there will be no grand babies.
Also, I very recently lost my father and it eats me up inside everyday that I couldn’t give him the one thing that would have made him so happy.
Sorry I got a little off track there.
Having just gone through the deaths of my inlaws I realized that even though they had 4 children, most of their “treasures” ended up being recycled or thrown out….Not Having kids won’t make a difference. It’s just that different people will end up doing that sorting job (with slightly less interest). In the end, your stuff is just interesting to you.
Who knows how long I’ll live? After all, I’m only 41 (even though that is “advanced” age for childbearing). And, yet, this is one of the most dominant thoughts. When I’m gone, I’m gone. Like I never existed. We work a ton and I just keep saying, “What’s the damn point?” Where will our house and our rental property go anyway? Who will get our savings? We have lots of nieces and nephews, most of whom will stand there with their hands out waiting for their share but most couldn’t even spell my name and will have said 15 words to me in their whole life. Say nothing of the heirlooms and the things I’ve saved for years because I was going to pass them on. I really hit me earlier this year – I saved the bedroom set I had from when I was a kid. Several years ago, I let my sister use it for my niece (one of the ones who will actually miss me) and told her I’d get it back when I needed it. It was out of sight out of mine. Honestly, if we had actually had a child, I probably would have forgotten that she had it. My niece, now a teenager, got a new bed and I got a call about 6 months ago asking if I wanted to furniture back. I just asked her to get rid of it for me because there was clearly no point in holding on to it any longer. It was such a gut punch. I guess the point is, I don’t know what to do with material things but the thought of the pointlessness of my life because when I’m gone it won’t have mattered anyway, plagues me 24-7. As a side note, right now we always just talk about leaving everything to our dog, who is our whole world but who is also a couple months shy of 15.
I feel the same. I shop an estate store often. “Estate” is a generous term, really it’s place where families sell the unwanted stuff of hoarders. Here is what I have learned. Even if you have kids, those kids don’t want any of your junk. They take the jewelry and the money. Everything else gets dumped. every single thing. In that store there are midcentury dinette sets, rooms full of furniture, rooms full of crystal, china and silver. nobody wants it. nobody cares. Not one of their heirs stepped forward and claimed it. Nobody wants silver they have to shine or China that won’t go through the dishwasher. People don’t live that way anymore. They don’t cook, they don’t entertain, they move constantly, their lives are impermanent and so they buy cheap furniture that gets destroyed after three moves and then they buy everything new again and start over. They buy cheap plates and wash them in the dishwasher until they break. They drink out of souvenir wine glasses they got at the art and wine fair. Nobody wants anything that isn’t disposable. Walking around the shop reminds me that no one will love my things as much as I love my things and I intend to wear out and use up every single thing I own and leave my jewelry to my goddaughter and the silver to my nephew and nothing to my cousins, who I haven’t seen in 15 years or more anyway. I will leave nothing else behind. No one will want it anyway.
Shana, I can relate! I have a ton of nieces and nephews and I guarantee most could not spell my name either! We are not that close, so being a “savvy” auntie isn’t really an option. Things just seem so gloomy in the world I almost wonder how today’s children will fare.
not sure if my previous response was posted or not .. will check back again
Irene, I also wrote a response earlier today and it’s not posted.
🙁 yes mine still did not post and I wrote a whole paragraph lol argh!
I just recently wrote a blog post about my latest closet-cleaning session with my mother. Given that dh & I have downsized into a condo, my parents will probably be downsizing into a condo sooner vs later, my sister has a tiny house and no children either, and I have no one to pass down most of this stuff to, I’ve had to be ruthless about getting rid of stuff. It is tough, especially for a one-time packrat like me, but sometimes you gotta bite the bullet… I think I’ve gotten better at it than my mother…! 😉
I’m still keeping SOME stuff, of course… I’m still here, right?? The nephews can figure out what to do with it when I’m gone. 😉 I’m planning to pass along (or at least offer) some relevant things that belonged to my grandmothers to my cousins’ kids, eventually.
http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.ca/2017/08/out-of-closet.html
I’m guessing things like my scrapbooks will probably be thrown out, but it keeps me happy as a hobby for now. But if I outlive my husband I plan to leave money to our favorite animal charity. I feel like the black sheep of the family so rather anything we have that it go to a charity we care about. But not being able to have children I find it easier to get rid of stuff now that I’m not using instead of keeping it around.
I want my dead body to be put on a raft along with all my “stuff” pushed out to sea and set fire to Viking style. Everything I have kept from my favourite childhood toy to my school uniform, to the countless photo albums, letters and diaries. Stuff I thought, one day my children will be interested in, if only to know more about the girl, teenager, woman their mum used to be.
I love to collect old wares and collectables and display them in my home, but a while back I thought, stop buying stuff, it’s not like you have anyone to leave it to. Then someone said to me buy it, enjoy it, if it makes you happy.
I guess one day when I am older and over the loss and less connected to my “stuff” I will sell it, or give it away or have a bonfire, but for now I will just hang on to it.
I have been thinking about this ALL THE TIME lately! Especially my Christmas decorations which I’ve been lovingly collecting for my children to experience the same magic of the season as I remember. As it stands, I don’t even have the energy to drag them out yet alone decorate.
I also wonder about my own mother’s hand me downs. What will happen to them?
I am re-writing here again.. won’t be as good as my first post but will try
I sometimes get sad thinking about where everything goes .. i do have my eldest niece who is closest to me .. but then again will it even matter .. when i leave, everything goes .. no one or thing comes along with