Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Comments

  1. Ahhhh! I hate that comment!

    When people say that to me I put my hand out. And when they ask, “What?” I say, “I need $40,000. You think it is so easy to just find that kind of money, hand it over.”

    I posted the meme that goes with this topic on my facebook page and a friend who had adopted told me that after about 3-4 months after the adoption was final that people started asking when she was going to adopted again. Her default response is when we are done paying for the one we just did. People have NO IDEA how EXPENSIVE adoption is.

  2. Adoption is giving a child a family, it is not a cure for infertility… and it’s effects on the child last a lifetime, even in the ‘happiest’ of homes.

  3. I need to vent…and actually this is an idea!
    How about gather info about women without kids (us), from psychological point of view, treatments to conceive, job situation, tax inequality?? Just to name a few topics, there are more… And then, go to Washington for a hearing? I am thinking about getting recognition once and for all. What do u think?
    Thank you ! Praying for all of us !!!

  4. Most of the time people don’t realize the cost and everything that goes into adoption. It isn’t option for everyone and I also hate when people act like it’s so easy to do. I didn’t adopt for many reasons and feel sometimes looked down on because I didn’t adopt.

    • I so very much understand your sentiment about people looking down on those who are infertile and don’t adopt. The impression out there is that you didn’t really want a family that badly if you didn’t adopt. The part I’ve still not been able to figure out how to explain to those blessed with a biological family- that having a family with your beloved partner is not about the “acquisition of a small human”, for many of us it is about having a part of you and a part of your partner blended in another being. It is a passing along part of your heritage, your history and part of who you are. It’s so much more than “acquiring a baby”. The cost of adoption is crazy and prohibitive to many who choose to build their family in that way. It is also limiting- my husband and I both have a previous marriage from our 20s. We met and married in our mid 30s. After 6 years of doctors and autoimmune induced infertility, I briefly explored the adoption process. Since we each had a divorce on our records, the wait time to even talk with agencies was several years longer and age had restrictions because of our ages – we were in our low & mid 40s at that point- took adoption off the table. Every situation is different. Every woman, every couple has to decide their breaking point, tolerance, mourning period and path forward. Adoption is always the assumed “fix” for those who haven’t had the struggles all of us here faced. It wasn’t a fix for us and rude or not, when people have the audacity to ask whether we’ve looked into adoption I can’t help myself but respond with feigned shock, surprise and sarcasm that “really, you mean there are places where people give babies away? I never thought of that! Adoption? What a great idea! Thank you!”

  5. When I say we don’t want to adopt, i feel people’s judgement of me even if they dont say anything else and it stresses me. Sometimes they really push it and pressure me and try to convince me to adopt and that stress me even more. I can’t find the words to explain why we don’t want to adopt but that infertility has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I just say its not for us. If they push i say adoption is a completly different experience to being pregnant giving birth and raising the baby i wanted to have but couldnt. Even then they still don’t acknowledge what I’ve lost because my baby/ babies / family never existed! How can I word it to make them understand the devestation and loss felt that I cannot conceive a family?

  7. Plain and simple – the adoption process opens up a whole new emotional and financial roller coaster for me/us to get on, and frankly, I’d be happy if I never get on another roller coaster ever again. I’ll just stick to the predictability and safety of a merry-go-round. No more life on the edge of insanity for me!!

  8. When you say “just adopt” I don’t think you realise the impact infertility has had on me, physically and mentally, it has broken me many times over in mind, body and spirit.

    I don’t have the emotional strength to begin and withstand another emotional rollercoaster, long drawn out process of adoption which like infertility does not have the guarantee of a baby at the end of it.

    I am also to emotionally drained by infertility to have a baby now anyway, i am almost 10 years older than the age I was when I decided I wanted a baby…

    By the time it would take to be emotionally ready to even concider adootion id be old enough to be the childs grandparent.

  9. I dont understand how the general public who have never had to check into adoption think there are plenty of children available just waiting for a loving couple to adopt them…
    it is nonsense, it is not that easy and reguardless of popular public opinion there are no more orphanages in America just waiting for a loving couple to take them home and the ones overseas are expensive and alot of times require traveling to the country which is also expensive.

    • What I really don’t get when you ask those couples who already have kids: – what was your choice when you first got married??? They never say adoption. They always say:- we want to get pregnant first, if that never happens, we will consider adoption.

      Just saying…
      Much love and prayers.