Some years ago, a young relative asked why I didn’t have children. I gave him an explanation that was honest, while also being appropriate for a young boy.
And then he asked me, “But won’t you be lonely?”
To this I responded that I had Mr. Fab and that I’d be fine. But actually, I think he may have hit a nerve, because even though I value the quiet time I have, sometimes it can feel a little lonely.
It’s Whiny Wednesday, what truths have hit a nerve with you?
It is lonely at times. And not just because there aren’t children but because of no children, I miss out on the adults friends that I should have. I don’t get invited to the mommy club outings. Just today I saw a post of 9 women, all of whom I go to church with, all went out to the movies last night. Some of them I work really close with at church. I’m never invited to anything because they don’t talk to me during the week because I’m not at play dates. Out of sight out of mind.
dear Kara, I couldn’t agree more!
I’m sorry to hear you weren’t invited. That really stinks.
I hate being excluded like this too. But then, on the few times I have been included, the evening is full of mommy-centric comments like, “It is so good to get away from the kids!” or “I never knew how hard life could be until I had children” and other alienating and aggravating sentiments.
But also, people shouldn’t count on children to fill the voids in their lives. Children grow up quickly and are soon adults with their own lives. Of course, I miss my children I didn’t get to have, but they wouldn’t have been children forever. By now they would be adorable toddlers, but, before I knew it, they would be pre-teens (NOT my favorite age haha). They would continue growing up and go to college/trade school/get a job… They might not even live near me. So it wouldn’t be fair for me to solely rely on them for companionship.
I am currently in school for a new profession so that pretty much takes all of my time. But once I am done with school I am really going to seek out one or two friendships with women my age who do not have children. They have to be out there. I mean, we are all here in the blogosphere. There has to be more of us in the real world too.
I surprisingly have not been lonely since my husband passed in March. I have many many friends who have been there for me. Just recently my Brother in law passed so I am here for the funeral. I see my niece helping her Mom and I said something to her about how I have a bit of jealousy on my part and her reply was “but your friends will take care of you” humm guess who is not listed in the will…
It hurts when even nieces and nephews will not step up to the plate.
Funeral is Thursday I am leaving on Saturday to go back home and cannot wait!
I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. And comments like that are why I keep my opinion to my myself. People are so thoughtless.
sometimes kids comments hurt the most because they are so raw .. even if they dont have ill intentions .. it still hits so hard .. like my (at that time) 11 yr old niece who said “you can always adopt” no i can’t .. and i agree with kara .. there is such a divide sometimes with mommies/non-mommies that i just feel excluded.
Yes I echo the isolation – we are excluded unintentionally all the way along. I have developed my social life based on my husband’s “boyz” nights. This has suited me as they rarely discuss children and its been good. I’ve even been with them on their ski holdiday’s a couple of times. In the latter years I have connected with the girls a bit more as the children have now grown up – I have to say though I am more relaxed with the boyz and nights out with just hubby! With the gals the conversation has and always seems to revolve around the children no matter what their age. I get my girl fix on my own – getting my hair done, getting new lipstick and make up treats regularly – I also love bags! I’ve worried quite a bit over the years about how lonely I will be if anything happens to hubby first and I worry about him when I go. I try not to think about it – I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company and I think I will volunteer to help out in charity shops and such if I find myself lonely – my father passed before Christmas after suffering for 8 years with Alzheimer’s – i will volunteer at our local carers association too in the future. I worry less about being lonely these days but think its part of the acceptance and grief of not experiencing motherhood.
I relate completely to all you said. Have had the same feelings, thoughts, plans.
Thanks Iris – its taken me a long time to sort through all the feelings and come up with some sort of plan. Good to know others have similar worries and thoughts.
Yup. I worry about it, being 9 years younger than my husband (and having relatives who’ve lived longer than his). But those comments hurt not help.
My whine is that BIL disappeared from my/DH’s/MIL’s life for _8 years_ thanks to his ex wife, and while it’s great that he now wants to be back in her life (with his kids)… well, those years we’d been helping out with regular visits and errands every couple weeks. He re-enters the picture after a divorce, she moved up with him for a bit, then he couldn’t support her and we were forced to take her in (we’re good with her, just lack of space/privacy), and as we’re looking for more sustainable places for her she says she’d rather live up with him because of the grandkids. I get it in a way, and I guess it’d make things easier, but it also feels like a rejection of everything we’ve done (and all the work I’ve put into finding her somewhere near enough to us that we could still help).
Definitely loneliness Is something that worry me so much in my future. I always have been a lonely soul, i dont have much friends, my husband is older than me. I know, i know i should not be pesimistic, but is a whiny wednesday.
Can relate. I am friendly, but I am not exactly a social butterfly… And over the years I have grown more distant from women who were close friends, either because they have kids and do not have time for me, or because they have moved away, and have not recovered the same level of friendship with new acquaintances. I hope that because I can do things on my own and can entertain myself, that that will help somewhat.
I like my own company, but as I’ve aged I’ve noticed that I am left more and more to my own devices to do things and the friendships I’ve had have drifted away whilst people follow pursuits their children/grandchildren do and meet other adults in the same position. There are also those who try and force their will upon me, because not having kids means you must have loads of spare time to drop everything for them, right? Erm, no…
I’ve joined clubs, I’ve tried new things to create new friendships and found that people usually join these things with other friends and don’t want to include others in their circle; and if I do get talking to people the ‘have you got kids’ question eventually rears it’s head and as most women my age have grandchildren, answering ‘no’ usually gets an odd look from the other woman and they drift off to chat to someone else about their families.
People appear to be more family orientated and not socialise outside of their family groups, or if it’s work related end up talking about their offspring… so it doesn’t leave much of a gap for ladies like us. I don’t have any extended family I can count on, I socialise with my husband or a couple of old close friends I see occasionally or I go to things on my own, I’ve just got used to it I suppose…