By Lisa Manterfield
Do ever feel as if you’re in a constant battle with yourself? So often I make a decision and forge ahead on the path of my choice, only to catch myself looking longingly at another paths and wondering if I ought to have taken them instead. As soon as I make a decision I lose sight of all the things I’ll gain from choosing that path and can only see all that I’ll be losing from walking away from the other paths.
I certainly did that when I chose the “life without children” path. I knew what I would gain by opting to stop treatments and I knew what I would gain by walking away from the adoption route we were on. I knew that my sanity and my marriage would benefit from that decision, and that I’d claim back the life that was passing me by. But I could also see clearly everything I would lose from walking away from the possibility of motherhood.
I know I made the right choice, and I’m glad I kept walking on my chosen path, but it doesn’t stop me looking back once in a while to see where I might have been.
Recently I had a conversation with a friend who was making some difficult life decisions. She talked about the idea of trusting that the path you’re on will take you where you’re supposed to be.
At first glance, this reeks of “everything happens for a reason,” a philosophy that makes me bristle. Personally, I do not believe that I was denied children so that I could take a bigger, more important path instead, or that I wasn’t granted motherhood because it was more than I could handle. I have an untreatable medical condition; I cannot reproduce; end of story; $#it happens.
And yet I’m intrigued by the idea of trusting the path.
There is no doubt that not having children will take me on a very different path than motherhood; it already has. But what if I stopped fighting that? What if I stopped looking over my shoulder at all that I’ve lost and trusted that the path I’m on will take me where I’m supposed to go? Granted, I might not have much to blog about with my new peaceful self, but perhaps I could just enjoy the journey and see where it takes me.
What do you think about the idea of trusting the path?
For me there is something very comforting about believing that the path I am on is exactly where I am supposed to be. Not because I am not worthy or capable of another path, but because this one has great things in store too. When someone says “everything happens for a reason” I think the sentiment is definitely correct, but often the execution is off. It feels like someone trying to rush me through the uncomfortable parts of grief rather than sit with me and acknowledge those deep losses. Acknowledging the loss fully and coming out on the other side with hope for the future means a lot more to me than trying to skip over full acknowledgement. The beautiful parts of life don’t look as beautiful without the hard parts there to show the contrast. I know this may not ring true for everyone, and that is ok. This is just my experience from where I am in my journey.
That was beautifully said ❤️
This is exactly what I’ve needed to hear since facing infertility 6 years ago.
I am coming to terms with ‘it is what it is’ mantra. I don’t believe that something happens for a reason. There are people out there suffering terrible fates.
I seek solace late at night in my wonderful comfortable bed. I look forward to a peaceful sleep. It is the time that i try to stop thinking. Before we know it we will be too old to even think about it. I hope that at some stage i will no longer wake from my slumber. Life for some is simple and lonely. I don’t have the answers;.this is just my life and i try and engage and be kind fullstop.