Recently, a reader commented that she’d had an idea to write a letter to the child she never had, and she asked if I thought it was crazy.
Here’s what I told her (edited slightly to maintain her anonymity):
“Writing a letter isn’t crazy at all. One of the things that makes infertility grief so unique is that there is seldom a finite end to the journey. There’s almost always some option still open and the loss is more of a gradual moving away from the dream, rather than a sudden end. It makes it really hard to acknowledge the end and grieve that loss.
Doing something tangible, such as writing a letter, creates a kind of marker that says, “this is the end.” And the other ladies [in the program] are absolutely right about not being silent. If you need to find a time to be alone, close the door to your room, and just let it all out, do it. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing how much grief you can purge with a good cry.”
I told her I would write a post on this topic so that you could share your experiences with creating an ending to something that has none. So here it is.
In order to start moving on with your healing process, did you need to create an ending with something symbolic and meaningful to you? Please share any “crazy” ideas that helped you find a stopping place and begin coming to terms with your life without children.
This is a great post – such a tricky one. I clung to hope for so long that my journey didn’t end until I officially became too old to treat (at the UK IVF clinic it was 35 years with your own eggs and 46 years with donor eggs) – I was geared to end my journey at 46 and then they shifted this to 48! Even so, at 48 years old I struggled to find closure (I still clung at a mad thought that it was still possible naturally)! After our 7th and last IVF (age 47), I did after a few months clear out all the paperwork associated with our treatment which spanned 17 years start to finish. Unbelievable now – I think a letter to our children is a wonderful idea and I may do that. We wrote poems and had a ceremony together after the first 3 failed IVF attempts. We never did that again – I think I couldn’t imagine it not working at some point. I am now close to my 51st birthday and think I would like to write a poem and have a ceremony with my husband in the garden. I came across my writing where I was reading Lisa’s latest book and noted what I wrote 2 years ago on this very topic (one of the exercises in the book). I guess you need to really feel and be ready to say goodbye. I’m still struggling to mark the end – for me I think its because it spanned our entire marriage and it is way past our last and final cycle (4.5 years ago). However, I think I need to do something to acknowledge its over – for just me.
I insisted that we go away for a romantic weekend to mark the beginning of our childless life. It was the year I turned 40. We were married 19 years by then, and didn’t manage to conceive.
Thanks Jana – that’s a lovely idea. I think I will need to accept that family and friends will not understand how difficult this in when they have not walked in our shoes. Particularly when there are such long periods of “hope” and trying involved.