By Lisa Manterfield
Recently, Jane P reminded of this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman that I posted some time ago. It’s a good reminder about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.
The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.
The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.
I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.
Thank you so much for posting this, Lisa! I’m in the middle of writing a series entitled “Not So Helpful: Things You Shouldn’t Say to the Childless.” One of my goals is to try and explain why some advice, jokes, & comments are not helpful to those struggling with infertility and being childless not by choice.
I’d like to give some practical advice about what those who want to support us can say and do. Your blog post and the attached article are perfect!
On a personal note, I just lost a friend to breast cancer. As I struggle with my own grief over losing my friend of 37 years, I have thought a lot about how I can offer comfort to her family, while also looking for those (like my hubby and mom) who can comfort me over my loss. The “comfort in, dump out” analogy is what I’ve been trying to do, and the visual along with this description will help as I continue to navigate this grief journey…
I used the Ring Theory talking to someone last week about grief and who was going through it, though not about infertility. I pointed out to a young relative who had noted she was trying to be strong for people who were in the inner circle that she could dump out to me because I was further out the circle. It’s such good advice.
And it works perfectly for infertility and pregnancy loss as well as any other grief. Grandparents (or potential grandparents) are not in that inner circle, but they seem to think they are, and often dump in towards the couple who are the centre of this, instead of dumping out.