Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: The Things I Can Never Talk About


We’ve all run up against people who don’t understand us or who simply don’t want to hear about “it” any longer. So this week’s Whiny Wednesday is your chance to talk about:

The Things I Can Never Talk About

You are being heard. -x-

Comments

  1. “You don’t understand because you’re not a Mom”. It’s not usually stated aloud, but the message is clear. I can be an aunt, but only to play a superficial role in the kids’ lives. This message broke my heart, and it set me back years of progress. I thought I was contributing to their lives, was an integral part of the village that raises the children. No. No I am definitely not. Spoil them, give them memories, but you’re not qualified for anything else.

    • I hear you Kelly :-(. And the fact that our lives cannot possibly be busy – you don’t know what stress feels like until you have children. xx

    • I am also quietly envious of those who are close aunts and uncles. My brother and sister in law have always kep us at arms length, so my niece and 2 nephews are awkward with us, and always have been. What a waste; not only for us, but also for them.

    • I had to leave a profession i loved and was pationate about in child care because i couldnt handle the “do you have children?” “You wont understand what its like to be a parent until ypu are one.” I never said I did!?! A supervisor actuly told me that my skill set and decission making skills will improve one im a mother. I was 30 and been working in the field for 10 years!

  2. I’m so sick of bosses and co-workers dumping responsibilities on me because “I have no kids and loads of free time.” Do I?? My life is busy and full of activities and responsibilities. I’m so tired of others feeling like my life and time is less important because I don’t rush home to care for children! My life matters! But what should I expect?

  3. My two closest friends were childless for a long time. But that changed the last few years. My first friend never even wanted kids, then suddenly changed her mind. She got pregnant on the first try with both kids. My other friend was having issues the first few months and went into a frenzy, calling me for support. That was hard…I wanted to say, “Um, I’ve been trying for 14 years, so don’t call me until it’s been at least 5.” But I didn’t. I gave her the support she needed. Four months later, they were pregnant.

    I love, love, love their kids. They are like my own. We are even the godparents to one of them. They LOVE my husband and I. And even though it was really, really hard to visit them in their new, seemingly perfect lives, I did it anyway. I even stayed a week with my closest friend after she had her second child and helped her 4 year old transition to the new baby.

    The actual problem is that parenthood consumes them, and they have no time for me. I feel like I’ve been left behind. The calls and texts are less and less. And I won’t see them if I don’t make the effort. When I do see them, kids are always in tow. And they love to give unsolicited, patronizing parenting advice like I haven’t spent the last 14 years researching and preparing. So now, not only do I have to fight the bitterness that comes with watching my closest friends raise the children I’ve always wanted, but now I have lost my friends, too. This is an incredibly lonely path to be walking.

    • I could have almost written this post to the T. My friends’ kids are now in middle school. I wish I could say we were still close, but that has not been the case. I talk to one maybe once or twice a year. To the other a bit more, but she also lives in another state, so there is that. I hope you will manage to keep your friendship to the same level, or close. You just might. I am no longer as affected by it as I once was.

    • I understand exactly what your feeling. When my friends all had children they all told me how much they wanted me to be a part of their childrens lives. Apparently that was until the children were of school age. Not one invite to birthday parties, school plays, sport events nothing. For ten years. I never see my friends either. Not from a lack of trying on my part.

    • I have the so many feelings about this im so sorry, I don’t know the exact way that you feel because my childlessness isn’t physical. a lot of my friends almost all of them have kids i was around to be there for baby showers and buying stuff because i have the better job out of friends i even took care of one friends baby financially for s months until the father accepted the baby and the relationship my friend wanted. that baby is four now and i am invited to one recital a year and im probably contacted for friendship things 4 times a year unless she is having problems with BD then I have to be the good friend and listen to her vent…

  4. “As a mother” “when you have children you’ll understand” “a mother’s love” “having children is the most important experience in life”.

    And the rest of the spoken and covert comments in this vein. Everyday. And they are impossible to respond to. I think people think that my childlessness, whatever the circumstances, means I have a generally care free life of going out, holidaying and buying whatever I want. I think they see me as some version of their 25 year old selves. What they can’t see and I can’t ever mention is the crippling financial burden of infertility, the crippling emotional and mental burden, the toll it takes on your marriage, the everyday heartbreak and the loss of being able to plan or control your future. Raising children is no walk in the park. I know, we hear about it everyday. But I also know whatever is involved, it’s a lot easier than the place I live right now. And I think everyone else knows that too, but no one wants to talk about it.

  5. How hard it is everytime someone announces their pregnancy. I am happy for them but it also hurts my core so much.

  6. I have felt the ache of the dreaded statement too… you’re not a mom(so you don’t understand). Why do people think that it’s ok to say these things? I have heard numerous times this year from a co-worker, “Well, I’m a mom” implying (and you are not) or “I’m a mother” implying (so you wouldn’t understand). My response one time was, I guess I wouldn’t understand that would I? And they said, they didn’t mean it that way. Well, what way did you mean it then?!! I always feel like I’m trying to NOT make the other person feel awkward. But dang it, some days I feel like screaming at them… DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MY HEART IS SHATTERED WHEN THESE KINDS OF THINGS ARE SAID TO ME? Sadly, this is only something that someone understands if it hits home, either they are going through it or someone they love is. But even then it’s not always understood. I’m very grouchy today… I started my period and I’m getting an IUD(ironically). Not to prevent pregnancy(ha!) but to help with my periods from hell! I stopped TTC a few years ago. I always say, goodness me, why couldn’t I have at least got a baby out of this “period” deal. People always look at me with a puzzled look on their face and then say, “oh, that’s true”. Yeah… it pretty much sucks.

    • My own husband says this, after I’ve had multiple miscarriages. He has 3 from a previous. It’s excruciating. Those words are like knives in my back.

      • I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. If I could wrap my arms around you, I would. I have never been pregnant before but couldn’t imagine my husband not supporting me through all you have been through. I pray that his heart changes and gives you the support that you so desperately need.

  7. I can never talk to my siaters how much i want kids. Because they have them.

    I can never talk about how i feel i would love my children more than they love theirs because i’ve longed for children for years.

    I can never talk about how i wanted to slap the wine and soft cheese out of my pregnant sisters hand, and how i then refused a glass of wine- somehow on principal

    • One of my close friends has a FAS child (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) and every woman nowadays should be aware of this devastating outcome!! Slap that drink out of her hands!!

    • One of my friends has a FAS child (fetal alcohol syndrome) and it is devastating to the child!! Every woman nowadays should be aware of this. Slap that drink out of her hand!!

  8. I just can’t count the number of times that I’ve been told ‘you have time to put on makeup because you don’t have kids’, ‘you have time to put together your outfit because you don’t have kids’, or ‘you can work extra hours during the holidays because you don’t have kids’. Conversely, I can probably count on one hand the number of times anyone has actually shown me any compassion when they can see me struggling around Mothers Day, or when someone announces they are expecting at work. I have to work extra hard to be happy for my friends and family during these times and it would be nice to have someone to talk to as well.