You’ve probably noticed that there are triggers all around—at the mall, in the mail, on TV, in the streets. So this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is this:
Being caught in public by surprise feelings of loss or grief
Whine away, my friends.
Comments
filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
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I just cry….
No apologies…
First off, let me say that I am so glad I found this site. My husband and I tried for a good while and finally ended up seeking help. Long story short, we are coming to a point where we may end up deciding to just be a family of two. It isn’t definite yet, but I’m already working on coming to terms with the idea. Anyway, triggers are all around me right now. A good friend just had her first, and several other people I know just had theirs. The conversations with people outside of my home always always always seem to turn to kids and babies, and I just feel so excluded. The internet isn’t much better. I keep seeing pins and ads for “get pregnant quick” things, or “top baby names of 2018” or whatever and it just punches me in the gut every time. On the one hand, I feel like I have less of a right to be sad or feel bad because we haven’t been trying as long as some people do. But the ache has already been there and continues. I just feel like no one else around me can truly understand.
I only see my in-laws about once a year, because they live over 10 hrs away. We spent Christmas with them. My father-in-law is a pastor, so I was obligated to attend church. During the service he invited the children to come up on stage for a mini lesson. I was expecting 10 maybe 15 kids, but they just kept coming. There were close to 50 kids up on stage. It was packed. In my head, all I could keep thinking was, “My God. He will give everyone else a child, but me.” I fought back tears the rest of the service. At one point I felt like I had almost gained my composure, but then as an illustration to my father-in-law’s sermon he put pictures of a baby in a mother’s womb up on the screen. It was pure trauma. I stopped attending church a while ago. There were too many triggers, but that one was by the far the worse experience, and the worse trigger I’ve ever had. It only solidified my decision to stay far away from church. It took me several weeks to shake that one off.
I’m 50. I went for a check up at the gynecologist this morning. First time in, oh, at least ten years. I had been avoiding going because of the pregnant women and/or women with babies in the waiting room. I didn’t want to burst into tears (again) in front of strangers. I convinced myself that I was strong, I was ‘over it’.
So I walked into the waiting room, and there’s a lovely young couple with their beautiful baby. The woman goes off to have her post natal check with the doc, comes back & tells her husband that all is well, she can go have another whenever she/they want.
I held it together until I started to explain to the doc why I’d not had a check up in so long. The tears started and they haven’t really stopped since. She did an ultrasound and kept saying how good it all looked, uterus, ovaries, blah blah blah…. all I could think was “WHY DIDN’T IT WORK THEN? WTF IS WRONG?”.
I haven’t been this affected in years, I went into menopause at 42, so it’s been pretty clear for a good seven years that I’ll never be a mother. Why now? Why this uncontrollable sadness?