Often we feel pressure to do something incredible with our lives because we won’t be doing the other “incredible” thing: being mothers.
In the past it’s sparked some healthy discussion, so I thought I’d use it as this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic:
Feeling the pressure to do something else amazing instead
Let the healthy discussion begin!
This is interesting. I’ve not felt that pressure at all, just the pressure to pretend that I am not suffering when surrounded by babies.
I don’t feel pressured to do anything amazing but our plan b was to travel the world; which is what we now do. Two vacations a year and it is amazing. My friends are supportive and live through our pictures of all the amazing places we’ve been because mostly they can’t because they all have multiple children. People I know but aren’t really friends with are like: (my answer to them)
Don’t you ever stay home? (We are gone 3 weeks of 52 so yes we stay home a lot.)
How do you have money to do all this traveling? (We don’t have to buy school supplies, diapers, clothes for tiny humans etc.)
You would have so much money to do infertility if you didn’t travel. (No one has 100k to do the fertility treatment we need and I’m almost 40, I don’t want to start NOW.)
Thank you for including the things people say to you and your answers. I’m shaking my head at “having money to do infertility treatments if you didn’t travel.” It really shows that a lot of the time people are talking at us about what’s going on in their minds about their lives, in addition to, judgement of others, which goes back to their lives.
Good for you!
I feel like there just has to be a purpose for my existence. There has to be a reason I was chosen to not be able to have a child. That the powers that be are saving me for something bigger and better. That I am actually special. Unfortunately I am older and still waiting for that to happen. I guess it is my coping mechanism.
Thank you for sharing. I feel exactly the same way. I always felt silly for feeling that way but just like you… it’s my way of coping.
Boy does this strike a chord with me. I have a friend who volunteers for the SPCAand she is very passionate about this cause. I have hobbies and interests, but at times do feel pressure to do something spectacular because I did not become a Mom. Or that just me isn’t enough? This at times especially nw since the gut wrenching grief isn’t present like it used to be, does mess with my head some. I look forward to others thoughts on this topics.
I have been working on a post on this subject, on & off, for a while now. Time to dust it off again…!
Personally, I’ve always been a bit of a slacker. 😉 Which is not to say I haven’t felt guilty at times that I haven’t done something huge & amazing with my childless life. But I can’t say I’ve felt really pressured by others. Maybe on the travel front.
Great topic – I haven’t felt pressured by others, but I spent years pressuring myself to do something WOW. I think it is part of the void of losing our potential families and the grief and being thrown into “why am i here, now what do I do”? I have moved along with my grief and sadness and have slowly woken up to the fact that I am enough as I am and I don’t need to be anything. I do as well as I can at my job and have let hobbies and interests back in (going to the gym, diy etc). Throughout our TTC years we went on and off to the mountains learning to snowboard – during our dark days I resented the slopes as it meant our IVF had failed again. Since walking away from treatment though I feel the snow and mountains have become my life and breath. I snowboard (and now ski too) and therefore I am – is it selfish for my existence to be validated by a fun activity? I feel peace in the mountains like nowhere else and I feel myself. Not a day goes by that I would like to be raising my family and struggling with no holidays. However, I remind myself that this couldn’t happen (through no fault of our own) and finding things that make me smile is definitely deserved.
This is beautiful Jane! I would love to learn to snowboard! You are right, it’s so hard to reconcile being able to do “fun” things when they don’t feel fun at all. I guess that is part of the grief. I took up trail running, at first it was just something to do and now I love it. I love being in the mountains. I still have the feeling at times that it’s a “fake” or second rate life – ie children were my first choice and this is my second. But it’s so much more complex than that. Even people with children experience grief about lives not lived. So I guess it is about holding the grief with the possibility, with the hope of what is and what can be. I wish my husband were more open to what could be.
Thank you Sarah – I was 30 when I starting learning to snowboard and 40 when we started to learn to ski – I’m now 51 and we ski with friends who are in their 60’s and 70s! So glad you too have found an outlet and yes it felt second best for many many years. I love your line “holding grief with the possibility” – this is so true and very difficult to see that they will likely always run in parallel with each other. I do hope your husband finds his way through. I admit my husband’s love of the mountains kept me in touch with “living our life” when I found it truly difficult and it was almost to honor him and our life that I kept my interest up – I am now more keen than him! Hopefully your enthusiasm for trail running will rub off on your husband – or maybe planning a hike/cycle ride together? Excellent point about those with children and lives not lived – good reminder that it is indeed complex and children certainly don’t guarantee happiness and contented lives!
I just love the positivity of this post! I do so many of the same things. My husband and I knew as soon as I had my ‘news’ that we had two choices opt for treatment which at our age and with our joint issues was going to be a huge financial drain with little hope or accept that our path was going to be different.
We also travel widely and have just rediscovered our loves for skiing and snowboarding. People keep telling us we are ‘lucky’ because we plan our weekends and appear to have a fun-filled life but we can because we don’t have a family. I do feel pressure to be ‘amazing’ and do wonder if I will ever be good enough, However, I try to remember I teach so therefore not only do I confront the life I can’t have every single day, The fact that I support, nurture, believe and try to be a good person makes me enough. I truly believe that the Media makes us think that only ‘mums’ know but actually we do too. We may be in the minority but we are still awesome. We have to deal with insensitivity and ignorance every day and most of the time we do it with grace and private tears. So let’s carry on with doing what we love, we have one life it may not be what we chose but it is ours to make the most of.
Well said indeed Samantha and hats off to you for your career choice – that must have been very painful and no doubt offers daily challenges. “We are awesome” – I love that and very true that the media is constantly only giving accolades to mum’s – we do know a lot of more than we are credited with. Hopefully one day we will be seen!
Forgot to add Samantha – fab that you are rediscovering skiing and snowboarding. Do you do both – not many people keep up both, normally favoring one over the other. Again, down to hubby that I’ve kept up both – he is always striving to improve and he nudges me along with him… 🙂