I try not to drag regrets around with me. It doesn’t help to dwell on how things might have turned out differently when it’s too late to do anything about it. But sometimes, there are things I wish I’d known before I’d hung my heart on the idea of having children.
I wish I’d know how common fertility issues are.
I wish I’d known what questions to ask at the very start of our journey.
I wish I’d known where to find real support.
I wish I’d known how valuable that support, once I found it, would be.
I wish I’d had a wise mentor to help me see logic when my poor emotionally-addled brain couldn’t make sense of anything.
I wish we had talked more about how long we’d try, how far we’d go, and what we would do if it didn’t happen for us.
And I wish I’d known that we would be okay as a family of two.
What do you wish you’d known before the start of your journey?
That a life without children can still be beautiful, meaningful, and full of love and happiness.
I agree I spent so many years in tears and Grief when I wish I would have know how wonderful life can be without children and I still could have happiness…
When we were on our Journey there was no “on line” or computers and support was almost non-existant.
I wish I would have now how advanced technology would become…
Support now for the childless, the Widows, caregivers, patients…
To seek out infertility support groups. There wasn’t much in 1994 when I started this journey. Perhaps I could have been a forerunner and helped others.
That the grieving journey would take so long. It has made me stronger in my faith but I guess I thought one day I’d wakeup and be ok with my infertility and that just hasn’t happened.
To keep getting dr referrals from friends and acquaintances. And keep trying to find the dr that cares the most. I finally found the perfect obgyn for me……at menopause. He truly was perplexed with me at my infertility and would not stop until he had answers for me. That is the kind of dr you want.
That no one but no one understands unless they have walked this journey…otherwise, don’t try to explain it. You are wasting your time.
That women who struggled to get pregnant and then did are the most insensitive of all.
That it’s perfectly ok to decline a baby shower.
That it’s a good idea to find something to nurture. Whether it’s a plant, pet, your nieces and nephews or yourself, nuture. Don’t let the thing in you that wants to nurture die.
Thank you silvershiloh – this is so true, I echo so much of your post and the last 4 brought tears to my eyes they ring so loudly. These two are so poignant for me – I’ve had to repeat them for good measure!
“That no one but no one understands unless they have walked this journey…otherwise, don’t try to explain it. You are wasting your time”.
“That it’s a good idea to find something to nurture. Whether it’s a plant, pet, your nieces and nephews or yourself, nurture. Don’t let the thing in you that wants to nurture die.” Thanks for this especially – I don’t have nieces or nephews, so its good to be reminded that I can nurture “me” – a flicker of interest in the garden has emerged so I’m following this urge at the moment!
This is great advice! I especially like the part about finding something to nurture. I would say all us who struggled with infertility have a strong maternal instinct. We have it for a reason. I know that I may never get to use my nurturing, maternal instinct for my own child. BUT…I can use it with my pets, nieces/nephews, students, and myself (like you said). Looking at it from this lens makes the grieving process bearable.