A friend of mine went through infertility hell a few years ago. When we learned of one another’s journeys, we were both glad to have an empathetic shoulder to lean on.
Then she became a mother, and developed infertility amnesia.
I’m not begrudging her the celebrations, the constant Facebook posts, or the incessant parenting talk. I get it; I’m sure I’d do the same in her situation. But the final straw came last week.
A group of us gets together about once a year and we’re starting to plan for this year. We usually go out for dinner, or bowling, or drinks and dancing. Several of us in the group don’t have children and those who do are always glad for a childfree night of adult fun.
This year, the new mom suggested we change things up and do something family-oriented and include the kids. “Maybe a beach picnic or Disneyland.” I kid you not.
Thankfully one of the other parents shot the idea down, but I had to wonder how she would have felt five years ago, in the thick of her infertility hell, if someone had made this same suggestion.
She would have felt excluded and she would have been upset. Which is just how I felt when I got her email.
Today is Whiny Wednesday. Who or what has done you wrong this week?
After a year and a half of trying to conceive, we miraculously became pregnant 6 weeks ago. Last night I miscarried. That’s what’s done me wrong this week. So grateful for this blog. Thanks for listening.
I’m so sorry, Stella. I’ve been there twice and it’s horrible.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’d have to kiss that friendship goodbye, or at least put serious distance between us.
An acquaintance who struggled to get pregnant offered to meet with me years ago to share our infertility journeys. I was not in a place to meet with her. I was a mess.
Fast forward a year or so. She’s gotten pregnant and gave birth. I was very happy for her. Unaware of this amnesia, I Facebook messaged her, after all she was posting a new pic every 30 minutes seemed like. I asked if the offer to meet was still available as I was ready.
No response.
Baby #2 came. I found myself on a busy week night in the grocery store. She walked up to me, not recognizing me, picked something off a shelf and walked off.
Yeah. Amnesia.
Then one day at my office where she came to visit she brought her newborn. Went into bathroom to breastfeed. I needed to use the restroom so although I could have gone in there with her, I walked to a different building to avoid that awkward scene and painful reminder of her rejection of me plus what I don’t have.
That is a truly unfortunate story. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s too bad that her idea didn’t come with more of an explanation. It prompts me to wonder if she’s trying to “solve” two situations in her life. Desire to have a family vacation and desire to meet with your group of friends. Regardless, it’s unfair and disrespectful to make that suggestion with or without more information behind it…especially when you have an established theme to your gatherings.
On a somewhat similar thread, a mom friend of mine (who dealt with infertility for year) shared a FB news story with me about the YMCA that is closing in my area with a note that I should come work-out with her at the Y near her home. My guess was that she didn’t read the article because while my location is closing, the Y will still be available in my area, just in a temporary location. And a new Y will be built near me in the future.
This friend is also a stay at home mom who is beginning to launch a coaching practice at home. I work full-time, about 12 miles away from my home and more miles away from where she lives. I’m also the primary caregiver for my dad. I have demands on my time, too. She knows all of this.
It was odd to me that I don’t hear from her much anymore via text, but she tagged me in this FB post. And it bothered me that she assumed I should come to her to work out.
So I responded to her that the temp location will be up and running when the closure happens this fall. And that I work out at a Y near work most often now. No response from her.
Sometimes indirect and assumptive communication really gets to me!
I was at my sister’s bridal shower and attempting to make small talk with the grooms grandmother she asked me if I have children, I said no I don’t. This elderly woman she’s to her daughter sitting next to her she doesn’t have kids either and grandma sighed. The daughter was a bit embarrassed and said oh I got married older. I said to her and grandma sometimes life turns out differently than you thought. Early on I would have felt the need to explain why I don’t have kids, not anymore especially with strangers. Not everyone deserves to know this part of my story nor is there anything wrong with me and my husband and cat being a family. Hugs to everyone
I just found this blog and have been reading back through many posts. So lovely to have a little thought to muse on each day.
I’d thought I’d share this because it’s the fourth time it has happened in the last couple of years-I’m in the prime age where everyone is newly pregnant or on their fourth child. Recently, a number of aquaintances and old college friends have taken to making a series of social media media posts for a week or so during Infertility Awareness Month or around Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day to share their stories. At first, I always thought it was so lovely because it felt nice to be able to relate to some of my friends I haven’t always been able to keep up with. Until I realized the purpose. At the end of these posts and little series they ALWAYS announce a pregnancy. *sigh* It feels like sabotaging the message of the awareness day.
Wow. Talk about hijacking! These are days that are meant to acknowledge people who might find a pregnancy announcement to be incredibly insensitive and hurtful. How clueless and self centred are these idiots??
Well said Amelia and Jenna – how clueless and self centred, totally missing the point of the awareness day. Sadly, I’m putting more and more people in this category on a daily basis (friends and family included). My world shrank a long time ago to me and hubby and drinking with the boyz (husbands mates) on a Friday night because they never talk about their children ! We talk sport and diy. As I got older I thought I might be able to reconnect with girl friends – guess what they still talk about their children!
Omigawd. Thank you so, SO much for this. My sister suffered from secondary infertility. A couple years ago, she and her husband decided to cease ttc a second child. I’ve been ttc unsuccessfully for 3 years. It’s going to take over $30k in treatment for even a shot at getting pregnant. We’ve exhausted our options. We don’t want to borrow from retirement and risk marriage problems for something that might not work. So we’ve recently decided to take a break. My sister unexpectedly got pregnant. I was over-the-moon for her when she called with the news. I’ve loved seeing my nephew’s excitement for a baby sister. Loved my sister and brother-in-law getting a new addition after infertility. But my god, it’s like they’ve forgotten they ever struggled. I was on my period at Christmas, so I went for that glass of wine with dinner. My sister didn’t even drink before, but she make a big show of how she’s jealous of my drink–wtf?! And she can’t stop sending my belly pictures and baby clothes and what-not… and I just can’t. I’m gritting my teeth and smiling through it, but I’m on the verge of a meltdown this week.