I’ve seen this topic come up a lot in the blog comments, so I know that many of you have experienced this. It’s the topic of caring for aging parents, and whether the responsibility is shared fairly when you don’t have children.
What’s been your experience with this?
I have not had issues personally as my siblings and I have shared duties but I’ve seen 2 CNBC friends who took on immensely more agin parents duties than their siblings. When one parent died she found out she was not included in the will either which stung.
I have not had issues personally as my siblings and I have shared duties but I’ve seen 2 CNBC friends who took on immensely more aging parents’ duties than their siblings. (When one parent died she found out she was not included in the will either which wounded her after sacrificing so much during the years leading up to the passing of the parent.) The other thing that comes to mind is single income vs double income. My friends don’t have the funds for gas to drive all over but they are not reimbursed for gas, car maintenence and toll fees to help care for their parents.
My siblings can hardly take care of themselves much less our aging parents. One because of disabilities and the other because she’s never gotten her life together….but has two kids of her own.
My only sibling does not have children either but the responsibility has been put on him because he lives with them currently and I am 6 hours away. I feel badly about this because I wish I could do more.
This brings up another concern I think of often(selfishly I know) but when my parents pass I feel like I will be that much more alone. I’m not trying to dismiss others that have children who lose a parent and saying it doesn’t hurt and the pain is hard. But I feel like when that time comes when my parents pass I will not have children to grieve with and at least I will feel like it makes sense to pass on my parents legacy but it stops with me. I way overthink things I’m sure. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I being overly-dramatic? LOL I am blessed to have my wonderful husband who is so supportive and a wonderful brother who I love dearly and I’m very close with. So there is that.
Haha, this is timely… I am heading “home” shortly to visit my two aging parents. We’ll celebrate my dad’s 80th birthday while I’m there. (My mom is 78.) My sister doesn’t have kids either (so we’re equal in that regard), but she lives about an hour’s drive away vs us (2.5 hour flight plus an hour’s drive) so most of the help they’ve been getting has been coming from her, although I try to help as much as I can when I’m there (generally Christmastime & a couple of weeks in the summer). They live in a split-level house with a huge yard & garden — both (but especially my mother) have issues with arthritis & gout that’s starting to limit their mobility — and it’s getting to be too much for them. They have talked about downsizing from time to time, but have made no meaningful effort to get rid of their STUFF… we generally clean out a closet or two whenever I’m there, and while I have my own packrat tendencies to deal with, I’m more willing to part with some of this stuff than my mom is. My sister has complained to me that lately, they seem to expect her to come out there every weekend, while she has her own house & yard to look after too, and that they seem to think we are still in our 20s… they’re getting older, but, ummm, we are too! (I’m 58 & my sister will soon be 57.) I resisted when dh wanted to move to a condo, but I find myself glad that we did the downsizing thing NOW while we’re younger.
The aging parents is timely. The duties are not evenly distributed, but it is not related to me not having children. All my brothers do have kids, but it is more related to people who are overly responsible and the others that are not as responsible related to addictions. But we just went with this with my husbands family, and I expected my sister in law to be more involved, and she was name wise, but when it came to my in laws care,it was definitely more my husband and myself who were more hAnds on, I believe family dynamics and or family politics have a lot to do with it too for myself.
I lived this for the last 10 years. As my parents aged, their levels of care increased. My mom passed on in Sept 2018, my dad in May. I have one sister and she lives 6 hrs away and has a grown son and husband. For the most part, things were OK between her and me. She’s lived that distance away for 2/3 of her life now so it’s something we’re all used to. If anything, she could have regrets for not spending more time with dad in the last few months. But his death was sudden, so it’s not worth 2nd guessing how time was spent.
During the 8 months after mom died that I was helping dad (he had dementia and was still living in a single family home), I was taken aback by some friends with children who wondered “what I was up to.” Really? I was pretty consistent with social media posts about my time with my dad. Not that I was trying to gain sympathy or attention, but rather – this is what my life looks like right now (isn’t that what social media is for?). I think it’s another example of the hierarchy of pronatalism – caring for children out ranks caring for elderly people. And I work full-time, own a home, have a significant other in my life. To be brutally honest, I was relieved not to have children on top of this.
For my age, my parents were on the older side. Many of my friends don’t know what is in store for their families. If we’re living, we will likely experience our parents decline in health and their death.
I also say “think again” to people who compare caring for older adults to caring for children. If older people haven’t been legally declared unable to care for themselves, get ready for all the hoops and extensive time it takes to manage their lives. It’s not like children whose parents/guardians have legal rights to manage their health care, finances, etc. It’s a lot of work that takes time away from spending 1:1 time with a loved elder.
The key thing I’ve learned about caring for elderly parents and in-laws is that we have to plan before we think we need to plan. And we have to move before we think we need to move! Parents and in-laws with children seem quite happy to leave things until they’re too late, because they know there will be someone to look after them, to make sure they’re okay. I think it’s incredibly selfish, and get quite angry – not at the elderly people, who become frail and vulnerable, but at the people they were about 20 years ago, who should have known better!
And I think too, that’s the hardest thing about being the childless ones caring for elderly parents/in-laws. At the same time as we are doing everything we can to make things easier for them, we’re thinking, “there will be no-one to do this for us.”
You are not alone in this. I think about that all the time.