It’s interesting to look back on my journey and see all the people I’ve been over the past seven or so years.
I’ve been a woman who expected to be a mother and wanted a baby with the man I loved; then I became a crazed mama-wannabe, desperately trying to solve the mystery of my infertility and looking for a way to get what I wanted.
I’ve been through a phase of realizing that children weren’t going to be a part of my future, but not being able to quite let go of that dream. After that, I entered a phase of acceptance, where I knew I had to get through this and move on, but I didn’t know how.
There was a period of wondering what I was going to do and who I was going to be if I wasn’t going to be a mom, and finally, I came to the phase I’m in now. I am a childless woman, accepting and even embracing this new life, not apologizing for my infertility or my choices, and moving on to enjoy a life I couldn’t have had if I’d had children to care for.
I never imagined I would get to this place, mainly because I never expected I’d need to, but here I am, and do you know what? It’s not bad here. In fact, I think this childfree life is growing on me.
I know that some of you are at or near this place, but others are still struggling to come to terms with not having the children you always dreamed of. So, I’m curious to know: Who are you?
Are you a newbie, trying to reconcile the idea that you won’t have children and maybe not even sure you’ll ever come to terms? Maybe news of a new treatment, or a friend’s new baby triggers all the old desires and keeps that “what if?” hope alive.
Are you coming-to terms? Have you accepted the idea of being childless, but just need to figure out how to be okay with that decision? Are you making progress some days, and taking several steps back others? Are you still struggling with other people’s babies and finding your place in your family and community?
Are you moving on? Have you reconciled your loss, accepted your lot in life, and are ready to start a new chapter of your life? Maybe you don’t know what that is yet, but you know (at least most days) that you’re going to be okay not having children?
Let me know in the comments if you think these categories are accurate or if you fit into an entirely different category all together. My goal in doing this is to make sure I post information that covers all the categories, so that this blog is useful, whoever you are.
I don’t know how iam going to move on.i try to accept my childlessness but keeps on going backwards and be filled by fear and anxiety of the future.i think iam catching up with depression.my fear is i will not hav a longer life.it looks like its not worth living to live without a child.
Dear Lebo,
I know it can seem hopeless, but please believe that things will get better. There is life without children, and it can be a good life, even if it wasn’t the life you thought you’d have.
I hope you will use this group to talk to others and also consider getting help from a professional therapist. Please do not go through this alone.
Lisa
I am moving on…. slowly but I believe I will get there…
I am a 61 year old, happily married woman who had had a great life so far except that I never got to have children. I’ve accepted it and tried to make the best of it, but I’m still struggling with sadness and s LOT of resentment! Now I don’t have any grandchildren either!
I should start by saying that I am grateful for this website and all that you’ve shared here. I am wary of raising this but you have asked for feedback so here goes. I am surprised and disappointed to see the use of the word ‘decision’ under the ‘coming to terms’ heading. I’ve been following this blog for a while and had thought it was more of a childless page rather than a childfree one. In my case, there was no decision involved in my childlessness. It was forced upon me which is why it is so hard to live with. If it was a decision I had made for myself, and I had more in my life to make it worth living, it would be a different story entirely. Maybe it was just a slip of the keyboard, I just found it insensitive and I did not expect to feel that here.
Hi Jo,
I am sorry if this word choice was upsetting. That certainly was not my intention. You are correct in your understanding that this is a site for women who are childless-NOT-by-choice.
I use the word decision not in terms of deciding not to have children, but in deciding to find a way to come to terms with the life thrust upon us. I think it’s an important decision, otherwise we can end up mired in grief forever.
I hope this makes sense to you and again I am sorry if I offended.
Lisa
Thank you for your gracious reply, Lisa. I see now that I misunderstood that sentence as I did not think of accepting being childless as a decision. Childlessness is one of a long list of things I have had to come to terms with as I have been chronically ill for almost 24 years. It did not feel like a decision for me, it was just something that I had to do to keep going. Indeed, people close to me have said things like “how can you bear to just give in to it?” as if I had a choice. My experience coloured my reading of that sentence – I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.
I am late thirties, expat teacher who is 3 years into knowing I will never be a mummy. I had a lot of therapy and now I would say I have accepted my lot in life. For me the challenge is the ‘next stage’. Me and my husband are struggling to find friends. We are very happy together and enjoy each other’s company but miss friends to enjoy time with. We both find that either (and maybe this is an expat thing?!) younger people want to party, people our age are all having babies- an announcement a week currently. We just feel so excluded and isolated- and older people feel we are too young and have teenagers. We will find a resolution and have ideas for how to make friends but this is our struggle. I am grateful for this community and the support I have been shown.
Moving on although I have my moments. My peer circle that has kids that are mostly older. It is harder when they are little. I do worry some about the time when grandchildren begin to arrive.
That said, I was in the grocery store over the weekend where a little boy was crying his eyes out in the cart. Some would interpret this as a tantrum – and it could have been – but I watched his mother pull him close and he just clung to her and it got me. Because what I would give to feel that – good and bad.
Hi Lisa – good post. I think I’m in a new category – I think I’m moving on and then find myself caught struggling with colleagues who have just left on maternity leave or have sent in a thank you card full of photos( that is really winding me up this week). I found myself staring at the ceiling this morning for instance – still thinking wouldn’t a miracle pregnancy be wonderful. I’m 51 and a half – whats the matter with me……..
Do we need a moving on/falling back category – with a better name – I don’t think its quite the despair that I felt in the early stopping treatment years. Which are now 5 years ago. Still question why – still feel sad, still wonder what if……. more than I hoped i would by now……
Thank you Lisa as always for this wonderful place to unravel my feelings.
Hi Jane,
I think these categories definitely have flexible boundaries. I found that moving on and falling back happened all along the way, from deciding I need to change the course of my life to feeling like I was moving on. Those moments do have a habit of sneaking up on us.
Lisa
Hi Jane,
at 50 I know how you feel.
D
I am definitely at the moving on phase. Most times it isn’t a hindrance but an opportunity to have more freedom, and my husband and I are reaping the financial end of this recently, which is really exciting! But there are occasions , where it kicks me in butt , , the sadness is much less, and I do not stay there for very long. I am grateful for this site, and all the information available to our tribe, which in the beginning, I felt why both per with much if I wasn’t a Mom, it that has really changed over time. Hang in there! Xo
Tomorrow is my 51 birthday.
I’m definitely relieved that my days of the possibility to have children is over, that it’s now too late to make choices and wonder what would be the right thing to do.
Those days and nights of “what should I do” were agonizing.
But then I haven’t made any other decisions either, taken no turns that I would not have been able to take if I had had children.
I just let the days pass by, feeling mostly that things are quite meaningless.
I have a good job that makes me feel as if I’m a fraud and that I can’t handle it. I’m thinking a lot about what to do instead.
My partner loves fishing and does that a lot, and I’m glad he does because that gives me a chance to stay in bed all my days off without feeling ashamed or being questioned.
I used to love to read, but after a stressful period of a few years, I got sick, exhausted, and my brain can’t focus on books anymore.
I often can’t be bothered to do the things I’d say I like if anyone asked: travel, hike, go to the theatre and museums.
I’d like to get into shape again, I gain weight during that stressful period, but I can’t be bothered and eating is my biggest interest really.
I don’t know if all or any of this is because I don’t have children or not. Maybe I would have been like this if is had children too – in that case it’s a very good thing that I never had children…
Still I’m quite happy with my life. Very, very grateful for all the good things.
There’s no energy, but I’m not unhappy. Not depressed (I know what that is like) and maybe I’d be even happier if I’d just accept that this is the kind of person I am.
It all depends on my hormones! After seven years I sometimes feel ok. But then I hit that day in my cycle when I know this is not the month it’s going to happen again. Then I’m somewhere between grief and all out rage. Still hate preggos no matter what day it is.
Def.moving on my journey ended 8 years ago it took me several years to come out of the darkness and also dealing with early surgical menopause at the same time! I did it tho! I still have moments from time to time but i wouldn’t be human if i didnt !
I feel like I’ve been in “coming to terms” for a long time, it’s up and down, some days are better or worse than others. I’m not sure what moving on would look like for me. Some days are even good days, but I still have grief-stricken how-did-this-happen days too.