As I continue on my own journey of healing, I find it hard sometimes to write about the issues that used to cause me such discomfort. It’s amazing how the human brain can dull past pain. So I appreciate when readers contact me with ideas for topics they’d like to see discussed.
Recently, one reader sent me this question about envy within families:
“I see a lot of people post about the joy of having nieces and nephews. Well, my brother’s wife is pregnant and I’m feeling completely pushed of out the picture. It may be because I reacted with shock and sadness over their first pregnancy. But I did write a lengthy, heartfelt apology and when that resulted in a miscarriage, my husband and I were the first to make it to the hospital and we stayed 11 hours with them. Now, my sister-in-law is being really removed from me.
I really want to have the connection with my niece or nephew, but I’m afraid I won’t. And honestly, I’m envious.
I wonder if others have similar experiences?”
A new baby in the family is a really difficult situation to navigate. There’s such a mixed bag of emotions involved. You’re trying to deal with your own grief, while also feeling alone because others don’t understand what you’re going through. Then a cause for celebration gets thrown in on top of that and, as much as you know you’re supposed to be happy for the new parents, all you can feel is resentment and envy that it’s not you. So, guilt and shame for being a bad sport get piled on top of that.
I also know that other people don’t know how to handle us when they have good news. I recall a friend being extremely uncomfortable about telling me she was pregnant. She dealt with it by sitting down, explaining that she knew this was difficult for me, and asking me how much or how little I wanted to know or be involved. I really appreciated her being open and it allowed me to be honest with her about how I felt. I’ve also had the experience of a friend saying, “Guess what?!” and then launching into every detail of how she found out and how it feels to be pregnant, while I sat and squirmed. Often people don’t know what to say or how best to handle us “volatile” folks, so they pull away and say nothing.
How about you? Have you experienced envy over new babies in the family? How have you dealt with it? Have you had a good experience with a friend or family member handling their news with aplomb?
Jenna says
My sister-in law, my cousin and myself were basically all pregnant at the same time. Both my cousin and myself miscarried. I’ve always felt a little jealous of my sister-in-law because her third son arrived right around what would have been my due date. But she was actually really great about asking what I wanted to know and being conscientious about my feelings. But when I see her son, I know he is the age my kid would have been. So there can be a twinge of sadness still. My cousin, on the other hand, and I became really close since we miscarried within weeks of each other. But then she went on to become pregnant again about half a year later and didn’t tell me at all. When I told friends and family that I wouldn’t be having children, I stopped receiving news about pregnancies (for the most part). Which can be a relief and sometimes a shock. I live in a place where people routinely have 3-5 kids; so when you aren’t in that world you actually start to lose track of families you don’t see as often. I still don’t particularly want to hear pregnancy announcements (mainly bc of my age people immediately start asking me about having kids), but I’m hoping that will eventually taper off? Like, once I’m out of my 30s, right? *sigh*
Ruby O'Dent says
When you hit your mid- to late-fifties people will start asking how many grandkids you have. Based on what I’m seeing with my eighty-three-year-old mother, that question eventually turns into how many great-grandkids. It’s like a competition to see who has the most. It just never ends. I’ll be saying, “No, I don’t want to see your pictures” for the rest of my life, a rather depressing thought. But, as more and more people are either affected by infertility or choose not to have children, I’m hopeful societal expectations will start changing before too much longer, or at least by the time I’ve hit the great-grandkids-question stage of life.
Leicester lass says
I have always felt that my brother and sister in law excluded me and DH from their three kids’ lives, even after we adopted our own DD after many years of infertility anguish. Of course, I couldn’t help feeling some envy but I think I did a pretty good job of managing it and offering practical help in terms of babysitting etc. Nevertheless their excluding behaviour continues. I suspect it’s not a conscious act by them nowadays but, tbh, it’s still hurtful not least because I’d like my own DD to have more interaction with her cousins. But I can’t change their behaviour so I live with it.
loribeth says
This is timely, as our oldest nephew & his wife are expecting their first baby in November — the first grandchild for dh’s brother & his wife. (In fact, her due date is ONE DAY DIFFERENT from my own due date, 21 years earlier… so seeing her through this pregnancy, in the exact same time frame as my own doomed one, has been extra difficult.) We are thrilled for them, of course, and looking forward to spoiling our great-nephew (it’s a boy!). And BIL & SIL have always been great about including us in stuff, especially since we moved to be closer to them all three years ago. But still. It’s not our child or grandchild, and never will be. So I do feel some pangs occasionally.