With any kind of grief, there comes a point where those around you expect you to be over it. For many of us, that point comes just as the full impact of loss is hitting us and we are far from okay. So here’s this week’s topic:
The pressure to “get over” your loss
Have you felt that pressure from those around you?
There’s no such thing as getting over loss you learn to live with it and grow to accept it over time rather than get over it altogether.
I once got told how a problem was one of those things that I needed to get over. Well yes perhaps I did need to get over it but there was no need to have been unkind about it!
The day after mother’s day, a coworker was angry with me because I said “Fine” when she asked how I was (I’m not exaggerating), and asked what my problem was and why I was so down. I explained that I was grieving (it was shortly after I had decided to give up TTC) and she screamed at me “You have problems. Get over it!” I was shocked…
That’s the thing some people are just insensitive when others are grieving but one day it will be them that’s grieving as grieving is something everyone goes through at some point or another.
You don’t get over it you learn to live with it over time.
When it comes to infertility, the lack of self awareness is disgusting. People have no problem telling me I have so many other things to be thankful for so this infertility business is no big deal. How far one goes to defy the insurmountable odds of infertility is an incredibly intimate and calculated choice. Just because you’ve drawn the line to acknowledge the tiny human who refuses to stay or won’t come at all and unwillingly move on, does not mean you “get over it”.
Of course you are thankful for the other things but that doesn’t mean you can’t be sad for the things you sadly lost out on.
I totally agree.
Love the discussion here. So helpful. I feel less alone and less of a failure.
Thank you.
While true you never get over it, the difference is you should never get stuck in your Grief.
It is OK to be sad occasionally but not all the time.
I consider myself as doing really well since my infertility started about 40 years ago. However Mothers day this year hit me like a ton of bricks….as I saw families, couples, and women with their Moms….
I am 64 and have no children, lost my parents and my husband of 39 years….
so I cried all day however the next day I got up and went to the Gym and was smiling…
All grief will come at the most unexpected times and it is OK just remember to get up the next day smiling…
no… they don’t even get that it’s grief in the first place. Not even doctors or therapists.
I agree. Lack of compassion seems to be common among some people…. well, I should have said my friends…
Grief comes to everyone but I do find the problem for me is that it is unrecognised……so it’s isolating……and attracts no empathy from others……I have a wonderful counsellor who lost 5 babies before she had her 2 children but she completely gets it and has grieved with me many times……also for me I have found closure hard to get and at times an elusive thing………on a really bad day when a really good friend made a truly insensitive comment……well I just didn’t have the grace to deal with it…….I said to her…….imagine your 3 children were killed in a tragic accident. ….well that what infertility pain feels like,,.awful I know……but guess what she had totally different attitude after that
For me it’s more the pressure just pretend I’m not hurting or grieving. To just be happy all the time like I never had 3 miscarriages while my steps had 8 kids boom boom boom. Then again I feel invisible around them anyway. So if I expand that to my family, like my mom, I’m back to the pressure is to pretend everything is great and I never had miscarriages. So in a roundabout way yes I’ve felt pressure but it’s a different flavor than what you’re describing.