Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: The Things I Can Never Talk About


We’ve all run up against people who don’t understand us or who simply don’t want to hear about “it” any longer. So this week’s Whiny Wednesday is your chance to talk about:

The Things I Can Never Talk About

You are being heard. -x-

Comments

  1. My husband was diagnosed with stage IV kidney cancer in August. He’s responding well to treatment, but ultimately the prognosis is only a few years. I can say that I’m surprisingly grateful I don’t have a 3 yr old to take care of now (after our last failed attempts before leaving the baby train). BUT I WILL PUNCH ANYONE WHO SAYS TO ME GOD MUST HAVE HAD A PLAN. Not really but….

    Oh if anyone reading this is in a similar situation I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice.

    • I am past your situation. My husband has been gone for 3 years (in March) from Stage IV Cancer that was already Metastized. He had Brain cancer.
      He lived a year after diagnosis and was only on Hospice for 2 weeks.
      It was not easy but I found people were there willing to help, even had one lady with a 3 year old who camped out in my living room to be with me.
      Living as a Childless widow is not easy but dooable…I have met many in the Gym I attend.
      Some things are easier, some are not.
      I find unlike other Widows who have children I got up and out of the house fairly quickly (where else would I go?)
      On the other hand I had to muddle through alot of things including planning of the funeral alone…
      I still have many who dont understand but then they never will
      You also have to think about your future…What will I do now
      My plans are eventually a “buy in” so I will have someone to care for me my entire life
      Who else would I leave my money to?
      Feel free to email me [email protected]

  2. Thanks Nita. I’ll probably reach out to you in January. I really appreciate you be willing to share your experiences with me.

  3. I can relate to the God having a plan business. I think people don’t know what to say, and they think that what they are saying is helpful, but it isn’t. At times because of all these statement really messed with my faith component.But the other day. My one my friends with kids was telling me about something going on with her child, and for the first time, I said out loud, maybe we me and my husband were spared, from some of these horrible experiences with kids. 3 years ago I would have never said it. I am sorry to hear of your husband’s illness, I can only imagine how difficult it is for both of you. Be gentle with yourself. Thank you both for your honesty and courageous sharing. Will be thinking of you both. ❤️

  4. I used to love Christmas, now I just want to get through the season. There’s a chance I would feel the same way even if I had kids, because I’ve started to see the craziness that has taken over the holiday season & how commercial it all is. Plus, my hubby doesn’t make much effort over Christmas – doesn’t help to decorate or plan anything, doesn’t put any thought into any kind of gift for me. It is my main complaint about him – no matter which holiday it is, there are times when he doesn’t even buy me a card. Anyway, i cringe to think what that would be like with kids too

    • Stacy, I’m sad for you that your husband doesn’t get you gifts. You deserve better. I would look out online for swaps. I’m single and love buying gifts for people. I often arrange Christmas gifts for myself by swapping. It is lots of fun getting a parcel just for me!

  5. I too want to punch anyone who says that it was part of a plan!!! I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It seems incredibly unfair.

  6. I terminate a pregnancy almost 30 years ago. I was separated but not yet divorce, alone, and the father was not interested in a relationship with me. If I had known it was going to be my only chance, I would have made a different decision. It haunts and hurts me. I made the mistake of sharing this with my DH at some point. When I was TTC post-vasectomy reversal, my DH still used the sauna and hottub regularly. He also thought it was a great idea to buy an exercise bicycle. Once during an argument about it, he alluded to the fact that it wasn’t HIS fault that I wasn’t a mother, now was it? That cut me so deep. I still haven’t forgiven him for that. We are now separated and getting a divorce. The reason? He was on the down-low.

  7. When I was going through the worst of my grief after failed treatments, and deciding to give up, the timing unfortunately lined up perfectly to when my pregnant coworkers (2 of them were pregnant, the other was the grandmother of one of the newborns) had their kids and started bringing them to work with them. I did my utmost to not let it affect the quality of my work, and I think I succeeded, but lunch breaks were HARD. Very often I would just stare off into space, or feel myself ready to sob, so I’d go to the bathroom to cry. Sometimes I would just lay my head down and chalk it up to being tired. Apparently this upset my boss and his wife so much (the aforementioned grandparents) that I was not smiling and happy like everyone else, that they randomly chewed me out about it, and when I tried to explain my situation, they screamed “You have problems! Deal with it!” and then emailed my husband (instead of talking to me) threatening to fire me if I didn’t cheer up. Don’t worry, I’m out of there for good, and will never ever work with or for them again. The worst of it is they were people whom I thought I could trust and who ought to have been a model of compassion (church leaders) but I guess not. I’m so glad to be in a better situation now. It upsets me just to think about it.

    • Wow Emily, what a horrible situation. My mother is a priest and I can sympathise with the expectation that church leaders be more moral and compassionate. Unfortunately having seen the backside of the church up close, I’ve learned they are all just ordinary humans, trying to find their way like anyone else. Those I’ve met that seemed to embody christian ideals are usually buddhist or agnostic. I’m aghast and sorry you had such an awful work experience (I have been through the situation with multiple pregnancies around me at work but could not have stood for a telling off for not being happy!). I am also glad you are in a better situation now.