Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Ms. Cellophane

By Lisa Manterfield

Orate Mirror in the Corner of a RoomHave you ever been around people who behave as if you can’t possibly know anything about life because you don’t have children?

I’m sure that all of us have heard the old chestnuts, “You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids” or “I didn’t understand until I became a mother” (which implies the same thing) or even “Only a parent could know how this feels,” as if being childless strips away all capability of empathy.

And then there are those situations where you just feel invisible, when the conversation about children and parenting is swirling around you and no one even bothers to make eye contact with you because what could you possibly contribute?

These instances make me think of the wonderful “Mr. Cellophane” number from the musical “Chicago.”

And even without clucking like a hen,

Everyone gets noticed now and then,

Unless, of course, that person it should be,

Invisible, inconsequential me.

Personally, I’m done with feeling insignificant because I don’t have kids. It took me a long time to get to this point, but now I hold my ground in conversation. I contribute when I can and simply listen and nod when I can’t, just as I would if I found myself in a conversation on any other topic on which I’m not an expert.

I also keep a list of amazing childless women in case I ever need to remind myself that we don’t need to be parents to make a difference. On my personal list is Amelia Earhart, Dian Fossey, Julia Child, and Juliet Gordon Low, who started the Girl Scout movement. If you need your own role models, Jody Day has put together an outstanding collection on Pinterest.

You’d be hard-pressed to call any of these women insignificant. I remind myself of this when I find myself allowing others to make me feel like less than who I am.

So what do you do when you start to feel like a Ms. Cellophane? Do you feign boredom, try to hop in with an intelligent anecdote, change the subject, or do you slip away and hope no one notices you’ve left?

It Got Me Thinking…About Making Someone’s Day a Little Brighter

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

IGMTEvery day, Tinney Davidson sits in her front living room and waves to students as they pass on their way to school, and they wave back. It’s become “a thing.” This past Valentine’s Day, the students decided to recognize her with a special assembly.

If you haven’t already seen the story, check it out here.

There’s no mention of children or grandchildren in the video clip, so I started to check to see if she is childfree, to see if I could feature her on our site as a chero (a hero who happens to be childfree). Then I thought, It doesn’t matter! This is a wonderful story about a wonderful lady who takes care of many children, who is generous with her wave and her smile, who offers daily kindness and encouragement. Chero or hero, she is doing good on earth, and she inspires me.

Let’s all take a hint from Tinney. Wave, share a smile, and make someone’s day a little brighter. I bet this will make you feel a bit happier too.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

An Interview with Henriette Mantel

No Kidding coverBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Henriette Mantel was first introduced to me as the editor of No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Motherhood. In this collection of essays, some very funny women—including Margaret Cho, Wendy Liebman, Laurie Graff, and Nora Dunn—tackle the mostly serious topic of why they opted out of having children. Their stories are in turns hilarious and raw, inspiring and heartbreaking, and they all give voice to women who are traditionally shamed for their choices.

An Emmy Award–winning writer, a documentary film producer, an actor—Henriette’s résumé is impressive. Shortly after I spoke with her I learned she has portrayed one of the most beloved childfree characters of all time: Alice in The Brady Bunch movies. (Read Henriette’s lovely tribute to Ann B. Davis, the original Alice, here.)

For those of you who are new to Life Without Baby, we have a tradition of honoring “cheroes,” i.e., heroes who happen to be childfree. Henriette is one of my cheroes, for being her authentic self and for speaking up for childfree by choice women everywhere. Even if you are childfree not by choice, I think you will find inspiration and support in her perspective. Let me introduce you….

LWB: What was your inspiration for the book?

Henriette: Watching endless interviews with authors about how to deal with/live with/not kill/brag about your kids. Seriously, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to hear the other side of the story.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Henriette: I have pushed a lot of things in my life, but I never pushed having children. Partly because I could never imagine raising a child alone and partly because my choices in men have always been just this side of serial killers. But most of all, I have never had that gotta-have-a-baby visceral craving that ruled so many of my friends. I like kids. I LOVE kids. I love my nieces and my lone nephew more than life itself. My reason for not having kids wasn’t that I hate the little buggers, it was that I always felt fate would let me know if I was supposed to be a mom or not. Fate never brought me a man I would love to get pregnant with, fate never called me to raise a child alone, and fate never knocked me up, so here I am, childless.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Henriette: To be honest, sometimes when I hold my new great-niece I wonder what my kid would have looked like. But that is ego. Of course I wonder what my kid would have looked like, but is that enough to have a kid? I don’t think so. When I think of all the work/heartache/rewards that a child can bring, I still don’t seem to crave having one.

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Henriette: Not cleaning up bodily fluids? Not racing to the hospital when they have a fever of 104? Not worrying about them shooting up heroin? Oh, yea… wanting to talk endlessly and boringly about my kid when all the indulgent, tedious moms talk about their kids. That’s the hard part.

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Henriette: My time is my own.

LWB: What’s the best advice you’ve received about living a happy childfree life?

Henriette: No one ever really talked about it to me until I edited No Kidding. It’s like a non-subject. That’s what I love about the book. At least people now talk about it.

LWB: What’s the best advice you’d offer someone else like you?

Henriette: Follow your heart. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having/wanting/craving kids. And there’s nothing wrong with having them either. Do what you do.

LWB: What advice do you wish you could have given your younger self?

Henriette: Try not to date psyco-men. Oh wait, that’s not about kids. I guess just go with the flow, baby.

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, strangers) to know about childfree women?

Henriette: There is nothing wrong with us. Stop feeling sorry for us. And for god’s sake, stop assuming we wanted them! Open your mind up a little and know there are choices and some of us are brave enough to make the choices that aren’t mainstream (boring) thinking.

The other day, my friends were dealing with their teen-age girl (nightmare) and after I gave some dumb advice, the father joked to me, “That’s coming from a person with no kids.” He knows I wrote the book, he knows my life, he just said it teasingly. Well, the other woman in the room, who didn’t know me, had such a look of pity when she looked at me, that I actually felt sorry for her to be so unevolved. Actually, I wanted to punch her in the nose. But as my mom used to say, “That wouldn’t be very ladylike, would it?”

LWB: At Life Without Baby, we talk a lot about “cheroes,” our heroines who happen to be childfree (Sally Ride, Oprah, the first female 4-star general). Who is your chero and what about her inspires you?

Henriette: I guess out of all the childless women it has to be Gloria Steinem because she said to Joan Rivers (who ooozed pity upon her childless soul), “If we all had kids, there wouldn’t be anyone here to tell you what it’s like not to have them.” Hearing that statement, at age 16, liberated me for the rest of my life.

 

No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Parenthood is available on Amazon. Henriette Mantel is currently adapting it into an Off-Broadway show. Visit her website for updates.

It Got Me Thinking…About Makers: Women Who Make America

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingI stumbled upon this fantastic interview of Gloria Steinem in which she addresses—among other thought-provoking topics—how she felt about being single and childfree during a time when “women weren’t seen as much as a voice but more barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”

I don’t want to print any spoilers, so I hope you’ll read it for yourself. Let me just say she inspires and empowers me and, like her, I am a “hope-aholic.”

Ms. Steinem is someone we would call a chero here, a hero who happens to be childfree. She is one of many included in the PBS documentary MAKERS: Women Who Make America. You can learn more about the Makers initiative and the documentaries here.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Ms. Cellophane

By Lisa Manterfield

Orate Mirror in the Corner of a RoomHave you ever been around people who behave as if you can’t possibly know anything about life because you don’t have children?

I’m sure that all of us have heard the old chestnuts, “You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids” or “I didn’t understand until I became a mother” (which implies the same thing) or even “Only a parent could know how this feels,” as if being childless strips away all capability of empathy.

And then there are those situations where you just feel invisible, when the conversation about children and parenting is swirling around you and no one even bothers to make eye contact with you because what could you possibly contribute?

These instances make me think of the wonderful “Mr. Cellophane” number from the musical “Chicago.”

And even without clucking like a hen,

Everyone gets noticed now and then,

Unless, of course, that person it should be,

Invisible, inconsequential me.

Personally, I’m done with feeling insignificant because I don’t have kids. It took me a long time to get to this point, but now I hold my ground in conversation. I contribute when I can and simply listen and nod when I can’t, just as I would if I found myself in a conversation on any other topic on which I’m not an expert.

I also keep a list of amazing childless women in case I ever need to remind myself that we don’t need to be parents to make a difference. On my personal list is Amelia Earhart, Dian Fossey, Julia Child, and Juliet Gordon Low, who started the Girl Scout movement. If you need your own role models, Jody Day has put together an outstanding collection on Pinterest.

You’d be hard-pressed to call any of these women insignificant. I remind myself of this when I find myself allowing others to make me feel like less than who I am.

So what do you do when you start to feel like a Ms. Cellophane? Do you feign boredom, try to hop in with an intelligent anecdote, change the subject, or do you slip away and hope no one notices you’ve left?

It Got Me Thinking…About “All Saints Day”

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Today in my corner of the world is All Saints’ Day. It’s not one of the so-called Hallmark holidays, or one of those we group into The Holiday Season, but it has its place. Different rituals are performed, depending upon your faith, and some of those rituals are based on ancient traditions that center around appeasing the “malevolent and restless spirits” of the recently departed. I mostly think of it as a day of remembrance, a day when I light a candle, cry a few tears, and offer up prayers of thanksgiving in memory of friends and family members.

In the past 10 months, we’ve lost some notable cheros (heros who happen to be childfree) including revered actor Richard Griffiths (perhaps most widely known as Harry Potter’s Uncle Vernon), Muriel Siebert (the first woman to buy a seat on the New York Stock Exchange), and Helen Thomas (a news correspondent who covered the White House from the Eisenhower to the Obama administrations). Closer to home, I lost a chero who had been part of my life for 20+ years (read my post about her here), and I’ve supported friends as they’ve grieved the passings of parents and siblings.

I think there’s more to this day, though, especially for those of us who are childfree not by choice. Some of us are grieving the heartbreaking losses brought on by failed IVF procedures and miscarriages. All of us our grieving the losses of long-held dreams. While I won’t try to sugarcoat our very real pain, I would like to suggest that today is a good day to start letting them go. I plan to light a candle, sit in prayer, and try to release some of the restless spirits that I’ve carried with me for so long. I don’t expect my world to change overnight, but I do hope to experience a little more acceptance and maybe even some grace.

I wish peace, acceptance, and grace for you too, dear sisters.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status. 

It Got Me Thinking…About Is She or Isn’t She?

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I am constantly on the lookout for cheros, that’s heros who happen to be childfree. When I explore different countries and cultures, I want to know if the groundbreaker I’m learning about juggled raising children with making history. When I’m in a museum, I note names of female painters who intrigue me, then I google them when I get home, hoping to discover they devoted their lives to creating masterpieces instead of babies. I want to find women like me who have lived amazing lives (sans children) and can inspire me to do the same. So when a phenomenal woman makes the news, I want to know: Is she or isn’t she…childfree?

That’s why I got really excited when I first heard about Julia Pierson, the first female head of the Secret Service.

I found out about Pierson’s recent appointment in a post by Marcy Twete, the founder of Career Girl Network. (Read the post here here.) As the head of the Secret Service, Pierson will oversee the offices that protect the president of the United States and address national security issues ranging from identity theft to terrorism. Pierson comes to the office with more than 30 years experience, having started her career as a law enforcement officer, and she’s more than up to the tasks of her new position. A woman in charge? This is a big deal!

I went in search of more information about Pierson and found her official bio. (Read it here.) Yes, I wanted to know about her background, but really I wanted to know if she was on my “team”. Could she be a role model for me? Could she be a chero?

Spoiler alert coming…. Turns out there’s no mention whatsoever of a spouse or offspring in her bio. At first I was surprised because including family details is the norm, but then I got to thinking: This is the way it should be. A professional bio should be about a woman’s—or a man’s—professional experience and achievements. Period. Is she? Isn’t she? Doesn’t matter!

This makes it possible for us to appreciate all phenomenal people for who they are and what they do, and I celebrate this.

P.S. Twete also notes that there is some serious girl power going on since Pierson will be reporting to Janet Napolitano, head of Homeland Security. Janet Napolitano, by the way—chero! Go, team!

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Hitting a Few Balls

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

I have a new passion in life: golf! A gift card to a local driving range was among last year’s Christmas presents, and I’ve gone out and hit a few buckets worth in recent weeks. Here are a few things I love about my new sport:

  • You don’t have to be particularly fit or strong.
  • You don’t have to be young or fast.
  • You don’t have to be totally coordinated.
  • You don’t see a lot of babies and kids hanging around.
  • PLUS—bonus for our single sisters—it’s mostly men out there!

Turns out I’m not the only childfree woman who has embraced golf. A quick search online reveals that some of the greatest golfers in history are cheros (heros who happen to be childfree)!

Babe Didrickson Zaharias—ESPN named her the 10th Greatest North American Athlete of the 20th Century. Read her full bio here, which includes a mention about how authorities wouldn’t allow her and her husband to adopt a baby. (The FAQs page on her organization’s Website states “They tried to adopt a baby, but the rules were too strict during that time period.”)

Kathy Whitworth—She won an astonishing 88 Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) Tour tournaments during her career, which is more wins than anyone else in the LPGA or the PGA. View her stats here.

Mickey Wright—Wright was inducted into the World Golf Hall of Fame in 1964. During that period, she won at least one LPGA title in 14 straight seasons, a feat made more impressive by the fact that she retired at 34. Read a recent article about her here.

Even though I have no illusions about being competitive (apparently I’m what’s known on the course as a “duffer,” someone who hits a lot of bad shots), I’m enjoying trying something new—and I’m gaining a new appreciation for the achievements of our cheros. FORE!

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About South Korea’s Childfree Leader

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

With all the scary reports coming out of North Korea, I all but missed the news that South Korea elected its first female president, Park Geun-hye. This is a huge world event! History-making, ground-breaking, even thrilling, and I’m encouraged that this can happen in a country that ranks #108 in the World Economic Forum’s gender-gap rankings. All politics aside, I am excited to see women making progress on the international leadership stage.

I am also inspired by her personal story: Both her mother, Yuk Young-soo, and her father, former president Park Chung-hee, were assassinated. The current Park has devoted her life to serving her country. (Read more about Park and her historic win here.)

She’s able to do this, she stated in a press conference, because “I have no family to take care of and no children to pass wealth to.” Yup, she’s a chero (a hero who happens to be childfree)! “You, the people,” she continued, “are my family and your happiness is the reason that I stay in politics.”

Will she be a successful president? Time will tell. For now, I am somewhat reassured knowing she will face some daunting challenges—challenges that could affect all of us—without the “usual” distractions.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

It Got Me Thinking…About Beloved Teachers

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Tuesday, May 7, is National Teacher’s Day in the United States. Ever since the tragic shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School last December 12, I have been thinking a lot about teachers and all that they give to their students, from a listening ear to loving discipline to school supplies purchased with their own meager earnings. Virginia Leigh Soto was one of the teachers who gave her life at Sandy Hook. She was shot as she used her body as a shield to try to protect several of her first grade students. (Here’s a lovely article from CNN that recognizes all of the heroes on that sad day.)

In one of the many news stories that followed the shooting, I heard someone describe one of the teachers as childfree but “she treated all of her students as if they were her own children.” They might have been describing Ms. Soto. She was only 27 at the time of her death, so perhaps she would have had children of her own one day, but I would argue that her love for her students was independent of any parenting experience. That’s my experience of most teachers, and it is evidence that flies in the face of the old “you wouldn’t understand unless you’re a parent” accusation we all have heard.

As I thought back to the beloved teachers of my youth, I wasn’t surprised to realize that almost all of them were parents or would go on to become parents. Except for one: Mr. K. Both he and his wife were teachers; he taught English Composition to high schoolers and she taught elementary students in the inner city. Perhaps they couldn’t have children of their own. Perhaps they looked at their combined incomes and decided raising children wasn’t in their budget. Perhaps they both loved their work so much that they wanted to dedicate all their creative energy to raising good students. I’ll never know the answer, but I do know that they were both were respected and adored by their students.

Mr. K was the first teacher who truly saw me and my potential. “You’re a good writer,” he said to me on that fateful day, “but you have some work to do.” Previous English teachers had strongly discouraged me, to the point that I had given up and was just hoping to pass the required courses. With Mr. K’s encouragement and guidance, I worked my tail off to learn and improve. I am a professional, published writer today because of the seeds he planted and nourished.

Fortunately I had an opportunity to thank Mr. K before he passed away 20-some years ago, and I like to think his spirit has celebrated my successes. Next Tuesday I’ll be looking around at the other teachers in my circle—both parents and cheros (heroes who happen to be childfree)—and thinking about how I might acknowledge them. “Thank you for your sacrifices. Thank you for your passion. Thank you for loving the students in your care as though they were your own children.”

I invite you to join me in this little campaign of thankfulness for the teachers of the world. And, if you are a teacher yourself, I have a message for you: I appreciate you and all that you do.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.