Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Go Forth and Multiply…Like Rabbits

A happy (if slightly belated) Chinese New Year to you! In this year of the rabbit, we should look forward to a placid, unhurried year, where we can expect to be carefree and happy without too many annoyances.

Unless you happen to be childfree in Singapore.

According to CNN, Singapore’s prime minister is urging citizens to follow the example of the rabbit and reproduce.

“In his annual Chinese New Year message Wednesday, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong noted that Singapore’s fertility rate fell to an all-time low of 1.16 percent in 2010 and urged couples to have more babies.”

As if the childless and childfree don’t have enough pressure from family, friends, and society to get onboard and reproduce, now the government is adding their two cents. As if getting out there and “having more babies” is just so simple.

I understand the socio-economic reasons behind this push, but the reality just isn’t so straightforward.

So much for the carefree and unhurried year ahead.

Actresses Without Children Can’t Play Mothers

I saw this article posted online recently where British actress, Anne Reid (best known for her role the long-running soap Coronation Street) was quoted as saying that actresses who don’t have children lack the authenticity to play mothers on screen. Her explanation: “I think you kind of have to have been there. Because it’s a gut thing, isn’t it?”

I huffed and puffed appropriately of course, but then I took a step back and thought about it. I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother. I don’t know how the relationship between a mother and child feels. I know it’s unique and I can guess how it feels, but I really have no experience to tap into. I don’t think I’d play a very convincing mother, so maybe Reid is right.

Then I remembered: I’m not an actress. Duh! Of course I wouldn’t be very good.

So, Annette Bening isn’t gay, but you wouldn’t know if after watching The Kids are Alright. Helen Mirren is neither a mother nor a royal, but she had us convinced of both in her role in The Queen. Hilary Swank isn’t a boxer, Ellen Page isn’t a pregnant teen, Judy Garland had never been tossed over the rainbow by a tornado, and I’m pretty sure that Kathy Bates has never been so enamored by an author that she’s resorted to kidnap and torture. They are actresses; playing characters unlike themselves is what they do.

Anne Reid is clearly a talented actress and has won a major award for playing a mother, but she’s also played a host of other roles in her 50-year career, including a woman with Alzheimer’s. Were you not convincing in that role, Anne, because you’ve never had Alzheimer’s?

Didn’t think so. I rest my case.

Fathers Work Longer Hours Than Childless Men

According to this recent article from the Institute of Leadership and Management, fathers work longer hours than childless men. It states that:

One in three fathers work more than 48 hours a week compared to just 25% of men without children, according to a report by think-tank Demos.

The article doesn’t offer any explanation for this trend, so I’m tossing out a few theories of my own:

Maybe fathers, with numerous dependents, feel more pressure to do whatever it takes to stay employed. Maybe they have more distractions during the workday so need to work longer hours to get their jobs done. And there’s the other (perhaps cynical) theory that fathers spend more time at work so they have to spend less time at home being fathers.

I’d be very interested to hear your theories on this, too.

What I do find interesting is that I’d be willing to bet these statistics don’t apply to mothers, and that a similar study would show that it’s the childless women that put in the longer hours. If that’s the case, however, I suspect that says less about the parent/childless divide and more about the inequities of shared parenting.

What do you think?



It Got Me Thinking…About Speaking Up

By Kathleen Guthrie

I finished reading Lisa’s book, I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home, within 3 days of receiving it. It’s so good, I almost missed my train stop—twice. It’s so good, it made me laugh out loud and it made me choke up (also while still on the train). I could relate, it helped me heal, it inspired me to listen to my sister-friends and their stories with more compassion.

And it made me want to stand up and shout something like, “Hey, world! Infertility sucks, and we shouldn’t have to feel ashamed about it and keep quiet any longer!”

But here’s the thing: I was taught to be a good girl. A polite, respectful, look pretty and don’t-rock-the-boat kind of girl. Don’t talk back when someone suggests you must hate children because you don’t have any. Don’t be a smartass when someone asks why you’re waiting so long to make babies. Watch your tongue and don’t get lippy with me, missy!

Enough. I will no longer be shushed simply because I’m not a baby-maker. Lisa speaks for us through her raw, funny, emotional, controversial, honest, and page-turner of a story. Let’s follow her lead. Let’s hold our heads and the cover of this book up high to show family and friends—as well as marketers, advertisers, publishers, producers, and retailers—that we, the childfree women of the world, have voices, and we will be heard!

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Since she’s childfree, she can stay up till all hours of the night reading a great book.

Sonja Lewis Puts Childlessness into Perspective

Photo: ©iStockphoto.com/Bartosz Hadyniak

Sonja Lewis, who regular comments on this blog, has written a very insightful article about the stigma of childlessness and why it’s still such a taboo subject.

In the article she says:

“While today’s childless woman might not be singled out as readily as she would have been a generation ago, she’s still under pressure.”

Indeed she is! And Sonja goes on to cite five reasons she believes childlessness is still so misunderstood: it’s personal, unconventional, difficult, isolating, and anti-social.

Sonja has also used her research and her own personal experience to write an upcoming novel The Barrenness. It’s out this spring and I’ll be keeping an eye open for it.

If you’d like to read the full article, you can visit Sonja’s website or download it here.

You Waited Too Long: The Jennifer Aniston Syndrome

“You waited too long!”

Any of you heard that comment before? Well now it has a name: The Jennifer Aniston Syndrome.

According to this article on Babble, poor old Jennifer Aniston was just another of the “career-driven women [who] realize too late that it’s not always easy to get pregnant after 35.”

Hear that funny noise? That’s my blood boiling.

When I was 18 and head-over-heels in love for the first time, a teacher told my boyfriend and me that 18 was the height of a woman’s fertility and the perfect time to start a family. Yes, I am serious. This was during a conversation about our plans to go away to college.

Fortunately I didn’t listen to him, but maybe I should, because, by the time I was ready for a family, I was 34 and my eggs had other plans.

So what was I doing for all those years between 18 and 34? Striding my way to the top of the corporate ladder? Smashing glass ceilings? Taking the world by storm? No! I was looking for a man!

Because at 18 I could have married my college sweetheart and had his babies (I think.) He was a nice guy, but I know myself well enough to know that I would not have been happy in that life and would most likely have blown up somewhere in my mid-20’s and hurt all concerned. I know that because it’s exactly what happened with the next serious relationship (but without the babies, thankfully.) And the candidate after that didn’t want kids at all. I was 32 when I finally found Mr. Fabulous and 34 when we swung our family plans into action.

So did I wait too long to have kids? Yes!!! Of course I did! But not because I was trying to conquer the world. I waited too long because I know that motherhood is a serious and lifelong responsibility and I didn’t want to pump out babies with the first man that jiggled his pheromones in my direction.

Call me old-fashioned, or call me selfish, but don’t call me a career-driven woman who just waited too long.

Oprah’s Second Chance

Oprah Winfrey was one of the first guests on Piers Morgan’s new talk show this week, where she talked candidly about the loss of her baby when she was 14. Oprah has said in the past that she has no regrets about not having children, but this time she talked about how losing her baby was her second chance to turn her life around and make something of herself.

Love her or hate her, there’s no denying that Oprah has certainly made something of herself. She talked to Morgan about the chain of events – beginning with going back to school and becoming head of student council – that led to her becoming the person she is today. “None of those things would have happened and the whole trajectory of my life would have been different,” she said on the show.

Although I have no illusions of my own life paralleling Oprah’s, I have to say that it’s certainly taken some unexpected turns since that doctor told me I would never have biological children. I’ve started a blog, met women from all around the world, written a book, and been quoted in a magazine as an expert! Recently, another avenue has opened and I’ve been working with a therapist friend to develop a series of workshops to help women deal with the effects of infertility and childlessness (more to come on that soon!) None of these things were in my plans two years ago and certainly would never have happened if I’d merrily gone on to become a mother.

They say that for every door that closes, another opens, and I’m a believer. The motherhood door closed firmly for me, but once I picked up my chin and looked around, I discovered a whole host of opportunities waiting for me. While I don’t believe I was denied motherhood so that I could do these things instead, the converse is certainly true -none of these things would have happened if I’d had children.

Has your life changed for the better because you don’t have children? Have you had opportunities you wouldn’t have had if you’d been a mother?

2010 A Great Year for the Childfree

According to an article by Lisa Hymas (she’s the GINK mentioned in Wednesday’s post) 2010 was a the year childfree went mainstream. She says:

In 2010, the childfree started making some real noise. Get used to it; you’ll be hearing a lot more racket from us in the future.

I’m inclined to agree with her on this and add that the childless-not-by-choicers got a voice too.

Last year, fellow CNBC-er Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos won the Team RESOLVE Choice Best Book Award for Silent Sorority. An organization focused on helping couples find family-building solutions recognized a book about living a life without children. I call that progress.

In my own corner of the world at the start of 2010, I had expected to tuck my childlessness away and pull it out for examination only once in a while.  I wanted to talk about it, but who would want to listen? Turns out I’m not the only one who felt that way. I’ve been amazed to discover how many of us are out here, ready to talk and be heard.

And people are listening. I’ve had several friends (with children) who have read this blog and told me that they see their other childless/childfree friends in a new light and understand their situation a little more. I call that progress, too.

We are still (and probably will always be) a minority, but my hope is that, some day some of the issues we face will go away, or at least get the respect they deserve.

Tell Us Your Story

In the New Year, I’d like to start a new regular feature. I don’t have a clever name for it yet (suggestions welcome), but I want to start sharing some of your stories and opinions.

We’ve all come from different places and had different experiences, and we’re all in different stages of coming-to-terms with or being happily childfree. I can only write about my own experience and my own point-of-view, and I’d love to include some other voices in the conversation.

So, I’m putting out a call for guest stories. If you’d like to tell your story or if you have an issue you want to air for discussion, send it to me through the About Lisa contact form here. Posts should be in the 300-500 word range and if your post is published, there’ll be a prize.

Sharing Holiday Traditions

Today is Friday, December 17 and no matter how in denial you’ve been up until now, it’s time to face the fact that we are in full-blown holiday mode. I still have cards to write and mail, gifts to buy, and a naked, but beautiful tree that could use some decorations, and I am slowly acknowledging that Christmas is going to happen with or without me.

J and I have been married for almost seven years now and yet we haven’t really established any holiday traditions. When his mother was alive, we often hosted Christmas dinner at our house, but since she passed away two years ago his family has become fractured and they don’t spend the holidays together so much. My family is half way around the world, so we go there about every third year, and in between we kind of ping around like lost pinballs, with no set program for the holidays. If we had kids, I know it would be different.

Growing up, our family Christmas was the same every year. We’d usually go out Christmas Eve to a party at the local social club. There’d be dancing, my parents could have a drink, and it was a 10-15 minute walk home. We often walked home after midnight, so I would look for Father Christmas (Santa) in the sky. I’d hang out my pillowcase (not stocking) at the end of my bed and somehow Father Christmas would always manage to fill it without waking me up.

Being the youngest of three, I’d be the first up on Christmas morning, and usually get sent back to bed at least twice for getting up too early. My parents would bring up tea and cookies and we’d all pile into their bed to open the gifts. No matter what else we got, we always got pajamas, a sweater, and chocolate.

We’d often go out for a walk on Christmas morning while the turkey was cooking, especially if it was one of those crisp, sunny days, and sometimes we’d go over to my Grandma’s for a short visit, but we’d always get on the phone to all the relatives to wish them a Merry Christmas and thank them for our gifts.

It was usually just the five of us for Christmas dinner. I don’t remember having relatives join us. We’d have the traditional Christmas dinner – turkey, sage and onion stuffing, roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts, etc., followed by sherry trifle and/or Christmas pudding with brandy sauce. We’d pull Christmas crackers, tell the jokes, and wear the paper hats all through dinner. Then we’d do the dishes and be all done in time for the Queen’s speech at 3:00. After that, there’d be a family movie (this was pre-video, and when the UK still only had three TV channels), something big like The Wizard of Oz, or new, such as Superman.

In the evening we’d play a game – cards or whichever board game was hot that year – and snack on cheese and crackers and all the goodies we only ever got at Christmas. My parents would have a beer or two and make me a shandy (a mix of beer and 7Up) and we’d watch our favorite Christmas specials until it was bedtime. So, for me, Christmas was always a quiet family time spent at home.

Why am I droning on about this? Because if I had children, I would pass these traditions on to them. I’d want to create the kind of Christmas memories for them that I have from my childhood. As it’s just the two of us, we have the freedom to spend Christmas however we choose, but without traditions of our own, it doesn’t feel as special.

So, I’m looking for some new traditions to start that fit our life now. I’d love it if you’d share some of yours – old family ones, and new ones that you’ve adopted as an adult. How do you make the holidays special and family-orientated when your family is just one or two?