Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday

I just had the period from hell.

I had a week of PMS – bloated like the Hindenburg, cranky like a tiger with a sore paw, coupled with the dull ache of expectation that comes along with it. All this followed by three days, count ‘em, THREE days of cramps, and not just the niggling type, but the “I can’t get off the couch” type. And for what? Nothing!!! My body is going through its happy little reproductive cycle for absolutely nothing!!

Oh, I know that menopause will hit me soon enough and bring its own little joys, but right now, a menstrual cycle that I have absolutely no use for just feels like a slap in the face.

In our house, it’s been Whiny Wednesday all week, but today is the official day to say what’s on your mind, so go for it. Whine away, ladies.

Whiny Wednesday: Opinions are like [fill in the blank]

It’s Whiny Wednesday again, but I must admit, I’ve been feeling pretty chipper lately, and not especially whiny. I’m calling that a good thing.

If you’ve not been quite so perky lately, feel free to let it all out here. And if you’ve been just too cheery and need something to whine about, here’s an article from the Colorado Springs Gazette that came across my radar this week.

We Must Produce or Import Children: Freedom from kids will make us poor.

Now, I’ll admit that the article is almost too ludicrous to post. The author’s claim is that America’s declining birthrate will have an ill effect on our economy. He says:

“The dangers of population decline are quite simple. We cannot sustain the economy, and the general welfare of humanity, when old, non-working Americans — dependent on pensions and government subsidies — outnumber people of working age. A minority cannot provide adequately for a majority, any more than a pyramid can balance upside-down.”

His argument is that more people need to reproduce in order to support retirees. He seems to have overlooked the fact that all these new people will eventually age and need supporting too, and that we will also need to feed, house, and provide services for this booming population.

Ah well, the beautiful thing about the Internet is that everyone’s opinion is welcome. Sigh.

Whiny Wednesday: Post-Election Day

Yesterday was Election Day in my hometown. This means that all last weekend and half of this week I was bombarded with phone calls, junk mail, and canvassers at my door.

I’m an intelligent adult. I read, I listen to the news, and I formulate my own opinions. So, no, it is not okay to hound me while I’m quietly pruning my roses on a Sunday afternoon. And no, it is not okay to verbally trash the opposition while I’m sitting on my porch. It is not okay to call all day asking for my vote; I work from home; I’m busy. And no, if you’re going to tout yourself as an environmental crusader, it is not okay to fill my mailbox with enough campaign fliers to paper the Empire State building.

It’s Whiny Wednesday, and it’s all over now, but I had to get that off my chest.

Whiny Wednesday: I don’t want to talk about this anymore

Let me just say, right up front, that I love the community of women I’ve found through this blog. I’ve really been amazed at how people are willing to rally around and help others they’ve never even met. I attribute the speed of my healing progress to this community and to having somewhere to go to talk about infertility and childlessness.

But sometimes I feel as if I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.

For the past two weeks I’ve stood up in front of a theater full of strangers and told my story. It was a fantastic experience and everyone I met was wonderful and supportive. (More about this very soon.) I know that talking about this issue is bringing it to the forefront and building understanding. People have come up to me and told me as much.

But sometimes I just want to be little old me. I don’t want to keep talking about “it.”

Recently, this article reminded me of why I don’t want to talk about “it.” Here, this writer pours out her heart and her “regrets” at never having children.

“I know, for example, that not being a mother means there is a part of me which remains unused, a love that will be forever unexpressed. I know that what any mother describes as the most profound love she has ever known is, to me, a locked door — there is so much love I will never be able to give, wisdom and understanding I cannot share, shelter and solace I cannot provide.”

I admire for having the guts to say that, and I know she’s right, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. There are a million ways to substitute for not having children, but none of them are really going to fill that gap. I know that; I feel that.

But, then she goes on to say:

“My regrets will always linger. My life is a poorer place for not having children, and I am less of a woman for not being a mother.”

And that’s when I want to yell, “No!! Pull yourself together, woman! You have a successful career, friends, a great life. How can you say your life is a poorer place and that you are less of a woman because you don’t have children?” Forgive me, friends, but it just comes across as feeling sorry for herself, and that doesn’t sit well with me.

And this is why I don’t want to talk about this sometimes. I don’t want to be defined by my childlessness; I don’t want to be a one-ring circus with the same act playing night after night; I don’t want to be “that poor pathetic childless woman, who never quite got over it.”

All that being said, I’m going to keep talking about it, because it’s an important topic to me, but I’m keeping an eye on myself to make sure it doesn’t become the only thing I can talk about, to make sure I don’t start feeling sorry for myself.

Whiny Weekend

Tomorrow, May 8, is VE Day in Europe. It’s the birthday of David Attenborough (who I want to be when I grow up), Enrique Iglesias, and Gary Glitter (who I used to love until he went to jail for child pornography.) May 8 marks the deaths of the French painter Paul Gauguin and novelist Gustave Flaubert. It’s also the Feast Day of Catherine de Saint-Augustin.

Oh yes…and for many of us, it’s Mother’s Day.

I think I’ve said just about all that can be said about this awkward day, so instead of hashing out my feelings again, I’m just going to declare today and tomorrow Whiny Weekend. Drop by, say what you need to say, get it off your chest if it’s on your chest, and feel free to let it all hang out here.

I’ve also created a Mother’s Day Safe Haven on the main Life Without Baby site. It’s password protected (just sign up) and the place to go if you don’t want to post a comment here on the blog.

There’s also a chat function, so feel free to go there and support one another. I plan to drop in, so come by and say hi.

Otherwise, hang in there, ladies. It’s just one day, which leaves 364 others for us.

Whiny Wednesday

It’s been a while since we’ve done a good old-fashioned Whiny Wednesday, hasn’t it? I’ve missed it.

It’s a beautiful sunny day here in Southern California, so it’s hard to get too whiny, and the thing I do want to whine about isn’t appropriate to whine about in public. So, my whine today is that I don’t get to whine today.

But you do.

It’s an open forum, no topic, just a chance to get whatever is on your chest off it.

Whine on!

Whiny Wednesday: Media Exclusion

This post was originally published on September 29, 2010.

My TIME magazine just arrived. On the cover is the silhouette of a naked pregnant woman. I put the magazine face down on the table and I refuse to read it. The sight of a pregnant woman does not make me envious or pine for motherhood; I’m just tired of having motherhood pushed at me endlessly.

Last month’s Runner’s World met the same fate with its double features on pregnant runners and the best baby joggers on the market. My longtime subscription to this magazine is in jeopardy as they continue to aim more and more articles at parents, leaving non-parents flipping the pages looking for something to relate to.

There are magazines galore for parents and mothers-to-be. Is it too much to ask for my news and hobbies to be safe havens?

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s rubbing you the wrong way today?

Whiny Wednesday – In Defense of “Losers”

With all this posting about great childless women for National Women’s History Month, Whiny Wednesday has somehow seemed inappropriate. But now it’s long overdue.

I don’t own a TV so I have no idea who Kate Walsh is, but thanks to the Internet, I gather she’s something hot in the world of television. And I do know that she’s telling MORE magazine, and a whole lot of other people, that she “feels like a loser” because she doesn’t have children.

I feel as if I ought to be compassionate about this, to assure Ms. Walsh that she’s not a loser, just because she hasn’t added “Mother” to her resume, and to point out all the other areas of her life where she isn’t a loser…but it’s Whiny Wednesday and PMS week, and I’m just not feeling all that generous today.

So, thanks Ms. Walsh, thanks a bunch. I know you didn’t say that women who don’t have children are losers, but you sure did imply it. Way to go to perpetuate the stereotype that we women without kids are unfulfilled, dissatisfied with our lives, and something much less than our maternal counterparts. Might I suggest you browse some of the profiles posted here this month and give a little thought to exactly what it is about your life that has disappointed you?

And I’m sorry, but you won’t be making the Great Childless Women list. (Loser!)

Ok, feeling better now. It’s Whiny Wednesday, sisters. Feel free to vent your spleens at will.

Whiny Wednesday

It’s Whiny Wednesday.

Thank goodness, because I’ve been waiting since Moody Monday to get this off my chest.

It’s cold and rainy here. I’ve been fighting a cold all week. And I moved 400 miles to be able to spend more time with my husband, only to have him spend much of the last two weeks (including Valentine’s Day) back where I used to live.

That’s my whine this week; what’s yours?

Whiny Wednesday: On Being [Childless]

I could whine about the hassle of moving, but that would be too easy. The memory of the blowout on Highway 5 is fading, the numerous cock-ups (such as packing my computer, but leaving the keyboard and mouse behind) are being resolved, and Felicity (my cat) survived the trauma and even came out from under the bedding today. But I do have something on my mind.

I’ve been thinking about being “bitter and childless.” It’s a horrible expression, but the two words so often get put together. I don’t think of myself as being bitter about my childlessness, but sometimes I hear a bitter edge in my posts here. Or more to the point, I can see how someone might interpret what I post as bitterness. That’s not what I’m about here.

By the same token, I don’t exactly celebrate my childlessness either. I’m not glad I don’t have kids; but I’m no longer sad either. Yes, sometimes when I see harassed mothers I think that I had a narrow escape, but I’m not really relieved by my escape. I’m not sad and not glad; I just am.

Maybe I should change today’s title from Whiny Wednesday to Waffle-y Wednesday, but there, that’s what’s on my mind today.

You?